Talk? When we have cell phones?

After I focused my last couple of blog entries on electronic communication between romantically involved couples, I feel compelled to write about the importance of communicating with each other without those forms of convenience . . . with real conversation between two people. As I mentioned, I met my soul mate via email, and I feel

gr8ful every day to have him in my life. However, if we would have continued to make electronic communication the foremost way we spoke to each other, I have no doubt we would be in a very different place today than we find ourselves. Everyone has heard that communication is one of the keys to a successful, strong, happy relationship. However, there is a big difference between chatting and deep and meaningful communication. You can talk to your partner all day and never really say anything that will help your relationship; this is sometimes referred to as “idle-chit-chat.” On the other hand, if you communicate in an effective way with your partner, it can make your relationship stronger and help you feel more in tune with what is happening in your partner’s life. According to helpguide.org, a “trusted non-profit resource” for challenges in life, “when people stop communicating well [in relationships,] they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.”

It is important to note that even when you are talking to each other that men and women still communicate differently, so it is really important to be sure that you know what your partner means by what he or she says. After you have been together for a while, you begin to know your partner well enough to understand what they are thinking or what exactly they mean when they say something, but make sure that you are really listening to and understanding what they are saying instead of assuming you know what they are talking about when you might be a bit confused. In other words be sure to clarify when you aren’t clear. This could mean the difference between a really interesting conversation and a disagreement. During a discussion with your partner, it is much more important to listen than it is to talk. The more you listen, the more you will learn, and the more your partner will feel cherished.

When two people don’t communicate effectively, there can be some really negative consequences including withdrawing from each other, saying things you don’t mean, and eventually separating if the issues aren’t resolved. I want better than that for you, so please keep a few things in mind when you are talking to your partner. It can be difficult to discuss important issues such as money with your partner, but if you want to find a resolution for your relationship issues, it is very important to keep talking when you want to stop the most. Also, remain respectful of each other. Even though you might not be seeing eye to eye on something, only say things that you will not regret later. When he asks you if you want to break up, you might hope you never see him again at that particular moment, but in two hours you will definitely change your mind, so be careful that something you say now won’t be something you regret later. Next, what is in the past must stay in the past. Something that your girlfriend did six months ago is not a subject that you should bring up again during a discussion today, particularly if she was under the impression that it had been discussed and solved. Finally, be fair to your partner. Say things that won’t hurt him or her. When you are very familiar with someone, it becomes really easy to push their buttons and say things that you know will be upsetting to them. Please do your best to avoid this; because if you avoid it today, it will keep feelings from being hurt, and your partner might choose to do the same in the future, sparing you both some hurt feelings.

I don’t want this blog to sound like it is all about disagreements. Far from it! My main goal in writing this entry was to help you have meaningful conversations with your partner. So what is the key to having meaningful conversation with your partner? Honesty, of course. When I say honesty, I don’t mean “Honey, does my butt look fat in these pants?” honesty, I mean honesty about your feelings, hopes, dreams, goals, and mostly who you are. Do you remember the movie Can’t Buy Me Love with Patrick Dempsey? The main character, Cindy Mancini, couldn’t talk to Ronald Miller despite being one of his close friends when they were younger because once they got to high school she was “Miss Popularity.” Associating with someone like Ronald wouldn’t have been good for her image. Well, when he offered to pay her $1000 to date him for one month, he suddenly became good enough, at least to pretend to date. Over the month, of course, they fell in love, but neither of them was honest enough to tell the other. A lot of chaos and trouble ensued that could have been avoided if they were just honest about their feelings and who they were all along.

This might seem like a strange movie to demonstrate the importance of honesty, but lying about who they were inside is what got Cindy and Ronald in trouble in the first place. If they would have been honest from the beginning, they would have all been friends, and no one’s feelings would have been hurt. That is why it is important that you are honest about your true self from the beginning of a relationship. Don’t try to be someone you are not just to please your partner (or anyone else, for that matter.) If you are meant to be with someone, they will love you whether you would rather spend your Sundays watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians” reruns or watching football or hiking. You owe it to yourself to be who you are; you won’t be happy being anyone else. According to California State University at Long Beach’s Health Resource Center, people in relationships must “be capable of feeling confident, [honest], direct, and clear when discussing realities about their past, present, and future. If one cannot share ideas about themselves with their partner, they are not allowing themselves to heal, get closer, or make a real commitment.”

Over the past several days, I have written a lot about communication. It is obviously very important in any relationship, and if it were easy, there would be no reason to talk about it so much. It takes effort to be successful at communicating via any medium, but it will be in your best interest to make the effort. I hope you see the fruits of your labors, and you have a relationship to be gr8ful for every day.

The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.
Deepak Chopra

We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.

EMAILS capture attention!

After yesterday’s blog about texting, I got to thinking about how people in love use email as a form of conversation, and that some of the characteristics of email are similar to those of texting. I was lucky enough to have something great happen to me through email simply by chance. As some people who are familiar with my iamgr8ful work may know, I met the LOVE of my life—my soul mate—through email. One Sunday morning I found this relatively innocuous, simple, formal email on my Blackberry from someone who had “found me via my website.” I didn’t respond at first, and then for some unknown reason, maybe I had a feeling, I decided to respond. I sent a polite and what I hoped was a little thought-provoking email in reply. I wanted to find out more about this person.

We emailed back and forth several times before we decided to meet for a drink. Emailing was safe and it allowed us to get to know each other a little bit before we met in person. He shared a lot of information about himself, his past, his hopes, and his vision for the future, his attitudes, his desires, and his values. He was BRAVE, he was open, he was forthcoming and he was honest (well, at least, it sounded like he was being honest, and I was LUCKY to find out that indeed he’s one of the most honest human beings I’ve EVER met.)

However, it’s important to note, that my soul mate was VERY detailed in his writing (most men like communication to be short & sweet, at least that’s what I’ve found in the past and the research seems to imply as I mentioned yesterday from the USA Today article.) It was evident to me that he was making an effort. I thought to myself “this time is different.” Here was a man who was willing to be articulate and express his opinions about various subjects in writing. He seemed very SURE of himself, and I came to the conclusion that he may be a confident man. In the time since then, I’ve found that he is indeed very self-confident. Even though men and women typically communicate in different ways via email, according to Bonka Boneva and Robert Kraut of Carnegie Mellon University, “there is evidence that women are, on average, more relationally oriented, more expressive of their feelings,” my soul mate seemed to be breaking all of the rules in a fabulous way.

Even though the emails were flowing smoothly, I was extremely reserved for a while when it came to spending time face-to-face, but the more time we spent emailing, the more I began to feel at ease and comfortable enough to remove some of my barriers.

Our first date consisted of having a drink in a lovely, classy, restaurant bar, after which he drove me home. Our goodbye was a bit awkward, and later I wanted him to know that I appreciated him behaving with class; ordinarily I would NEVER have a man drive me home on a first date (I’m weary of my privacy & security,) so I sent him a text message: “Thank you for being a gentleman.” Therein is the TRUTH about texting and soul mates: it’s appropriate AFTER you’ve created a connection with someone.

Every now and again, out of the blue, he still sends me a text message, and it’s a real pleasure because we usually communicate face to face. His messages are short and sweet and he doesn’t try to replace romantic gestures with texts. He really is FANTASTIC when it comes to showing me that he loves me, and I think it is fair to share, I ALWAYS tell him how much I appreciate his gestures. I LOVE the way he SHOWS me that he loves me, as well as the ways he TELLS me. For example one day he left a note on the dashboard of the car: I LOVE YOU (hand-written.) I couldn’t see the speedometer without removing his note; he had made sure that I would see it.

In short, ALL sorts of communication are imperative in a relationship, and the more varied they are, the MORE refreshing they are. Here are some tips to help you if you are struggling to show or tell your soul mate how much they mean to you:

- Be creative. Instead of “I love you,” you could say something like “my life is incredible, thanks to U”
- Mix it up. Make some messages short and sweet, and some lengthy, meaningful, and sentimental.
- Keep it regular and real. Say things that sound like you, they will feel more authentic.

Use ALL of the mediums we have at our disposal in this day and age including text and email; they can enhance your relationship greatly if used in the right manner.

Happy communicating!

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”
~Anthony Robbins