Is this love that I’m feeling?

Of course it feels differently for everyone, but there are clues as to whether what you have is great and unfortunately clues that maybe greatness lies elsewhere.  According to Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Walster, there are two main types of love.  The kind that partners in a romantic relationship have is called “Passionate love” and “involves continuously thinking about the loved one and also involves warm sexual feelings and powerful emotional reactions.”  The other kind is called “Compassionate Love” and is characterized by “having trusting and tender feelings for someone who is close to you.”  This would be the kind of love you have for your parents, children, friends, siblings, etc.  After a time of dating someone and growing closer to them the initial passionate love evolves into a kind of compassionate love that also includes intimacy.

There are some things that a relationship should have if it is healthy and what you deserve.  First you should feel comfortable being who you are; your partner should value your personal qualities and love you whether you are wearing makeup or not and whether you gain or lose ten pounds (or even fifty.)  In other words you should feel accepted and free from insecurities.  Your relationship should be balanced; you should be both getting out of it what you want and need.  Each partner needs to learn to give and take. In addition to spending valuable time with each other you need to retain some independence so that you are comfortable spending time apart.  It is important to nourish all of the other relationships in your life with your family and friends.

Another important quality is honesty and openness.  You should feel comfortable communicating your true feelings to your partner without worrying about any repercussions.  You should both maintain a sense of humor about life’s little speed bumps as well.  If you work through them as a team, they will be much easier to manage. 

In my opinion one of the most important qualities in a relationship is friendship.  This includes working as a team on every part of your relationship, being supportive of one another in your life’s goals, and enjoying spending time together.  It is true that opposites attract to a point, but do you have any friends with whom you have nothing in common?  Whether it is a hobby, a set of opinions, a value system, morals, or anything else, there has to be something that you can build a relationship on, or you will be building your foundation on sand so to speak.

With all of this said, if you feel comfortable, accepted, and happy the large majority of the time, then your relationship is very likely a great one, and you should work to keep it that way.  If you find yourself on the other side of this coin, it does not mean that you don’t have a relationship worth fighting for, only that you might have to modify the way you are trying to make sure your partner is comfortable and feels accepted, and the way you let them know that you want them to be happy (this might require some compromise from both of you.)  This should be a two-sided deal, you shouldn’t have to work on your relationship alone, but you might have to start on the right path to get your partner to follow.

Unfortunately, there are circumstances in which a relationship should be let go.  If you don’t feel safe, if you have been physically abused, emotionally abused, or purposely estranged from your family or friends, then you should lean on your family and friends who can help you be strong while you get out as quickly as possible.  It might be difficult to get out of a situation that is not healthy, but in the end your safety, happiness and sense of self worth are the most important things.

“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”-David Viscott


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Taking control of YOU in your relationship

In my past several blog entries, I have written about communication between partners in a romantic situation.  There have been several responses about many different situations in personal relationships.  From these responses one point that I feel I need to make is that the only person for whom you can be responsible is YOU.  This is the case in any human relationship, but today I will be focusing on the romantic aspect.  Ultimately, you can only control your behavior in a relationship: how you react to things your partner does, whether you choose to be gr8ful for what you have or long for that which you don’t have, whether you do things just because you know it will make your partner happy, or whether you do things just to push his or her buttons.  Several people have commented in past entries that my life seems like it’s perfect, some even questioning whether I am being truthful in my descriptions of my relationship.  I am here to tell you that my life is wonderful because I have chosen to make it that way.  I choose to be gr8ful for the love I have in my life, for the sky being blue, for the rain watering the flowers, for the smell of coffee in the morning, for the sunshine on my face.  Is my life perfect?  No, probably not, but I choose to look for life’s perfections, not its imperfections.  It is a choice I make when I wake up every morning.  I live a life of gr8fulness simply because it allows me to be happy and it releases me from wondering how something someone else does will affect me - because it won’t.

From reading the responses to my latest blog entry in particular, it seems many people are feeling unappreciated in their relationships.  The question I want to ask is whether the issues these couples are having can be solved by the “hurt” partner being irate and unkind, or by being optimistic and loving?  It is my true belief that nothing can be solved with anger, so I want to challenge you now to try a new attitude for your life if you often find yourself angry about little things that are happening in your life or angry at the people in your life, especially your partner.  When you feel anger, stop yourself and think about what you might have to be gr8ful for at that very moment.  In the beginning, it might be tough to see the good things in your life through the anger, but trust me when I say it gets easier the more you do it.

Dr. Phil McGraw wrote a book called “Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Spouse,” and his very first piece of advice to his readers, before the first chapter even begins is “to get real about you.  And when I say real, I mean one hundred percent, drop-dead, no-kidding real.  No defensiveness, no denial—total honesty.”  He goes on to say that if you become defensive and unbendable and argumentative that “you will lose for sure.” I still truly believe that at your best you are the perfect you, you should be able to stay who you are in any relationship; I only want you to think about how you approach things.  I understand that Dr. Phil’s advice is probably different than the way you generally think about your relationships, but there is a lot of truth in what he says.  You are a great you, but at the end of the day, you can talk to your partner and hope that he reciprocates openness to you, you can be the friend of the person who is in an a dysfunctional relationship and hope that they make a healthy choice, you can control how you communicate with your husband who only wants the “meat and potatoes.” The responsibility for the other person in the relationship is theirs alone. So, you continue being the perfect you, focusing on things that make you feel gr8ful, and leave the other person’s behavior up to him or her.

According to Sociologist Catherine Kohler Riessman, most of the women she interviews state lack of communication as the reason for their divorce but few of the men do the same.  This is proof that men and women ultimately view things in very different ways.  You can help the communication in your relationship by doing some of the things that I have mentioned in earlier entries (and many other things that have been recommended by countless professionals who have done extensive studies on communication between partners,) but in the end, go to bed at night knowing you are responsible for yourself alone and being gr8ful for all of the great things in your life.

To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.

- Anthony Robbins

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SMS: Surely Misunderstood Sweetie?

It is a reality in today’s world that the majority of the population occasionally communicates by text message (over 90% of cell phones in the United States are capable of sending text messages.) This includes messages between friends, family, business associates, and significant others. The very first text message was sent from a computer to a phone back in December of 1992. Initially, few people communicated via text message, but today text messaging is used more than any other data service with about 2.4 billion people communicating via text, many of them romantically involved couples. I am here to help you ensure that your text messages say what you mean and to help you avoid the miscommunication that comes with a new-age method of communication.

We all know that men and women look at things differently; John Gray even wrote a book called “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” Texting can be a great form of communication between men and women as long as both people are able to say and read what is meant. Women, who tend to think more with their hearts, may take meaning from a text message that was not intended because the man who sent it didn’t consider the way she would read it before pressing “send.” On the other hand, men might miss an implied meaning in a text message because they tend to think about things in a more “black and white” way. They read what is written and nothing more. This can definitely lead to some miscommunication between two people who don’t have any nonverbal cues to read, especially because it is difficult to put a thought of any complexity into 160 characters.

According to USA Today “men and women often have polarized opinions about how [text messages] should be used in romantic situations.” Men see texts as a way to trade information in a relationship, and women tend to think of them as another way to share emotions.

The upside of texting is that it allows you to send a quick message in the middle of the day to let your significant other know that you are thinking about them or a convenient way to let them know that you will be late getting home from work. However, please keep in mind the following rules to ensure that text messaging remains a positive kind of communication between you and your significant other.

Make sure that you take into account that the text message is just that, text.

Remember there is no way to hear a tone of voice in a text or to see a facial expression, and you might be reading a message in a way entirely different than how it was written.

(Sarcasm can come across a lot like anger.) On the other side of that coin, you could be sending a message that reads entirely differently than you mean it.

Be sure that any message you send says what you mean and that it won’t be understood to mean something else when it is read.

If there is a possibility the reader might misread it, pick up the phone and call them instead.

When you receive a text that seems offensive to you, make sure you read it again to determine if your understanding is what the sender intended. If you’re not sure, again, pick up the phone.

It would be a shame for a misunderstood text message to be the cause of a disagreement.

Texting should also never replace phone calls or face to face conversation.

Make sure to make time for your significant other so they feel like an important part of your life.

Important conversations should always be had voice-to-voice.

It’s great to tell someone you love them by text as a reminder that you are thinking of them, but the first time you say it, they should be able to hear you.

Essentially what I am saying is that it is very important to make sure that you understand what is meant by a text message you receive.

If you are confused by a message, ask the sender, and be mindful of what you write as well so your words are not confused.

Texting can be a great addition to the communication between you and your significant other.

As long as you follow the rules outlined above to ensure that you use texts to your best effect, the communication will be in the best interests of both of you.

We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.

Communication between Men and Women: Peas and Carrots or Oil and Vinegar?

After reading the responses to my last blog entry, it is clear to me that I need to dig a bit deeper into the communication styles of men versus women. The two sexes obviously communicate in different ways with different expectations, but who knows why?

As a woman I know that when I am communicating with my soul mate, I want to bear my heart, and I want him to bear his as well. We have done a good job of that up until now, and I expect that it will continue into the future. I know that I am not alone in having a relationship to be gr8ful for every day, but reading some of the responses to my last blog have shown me that help is needed, and there are a lot of men who communicate differently than their significant others.

Whether your husband won’t talk to you, or you have been over the same issue again and again, or you have a friend that keeps getting involved in situations that are not healthy for her or her mate, I believe there is help available, and I hope to be able to shed some light on these things for you today.

I am not someone who claims to be able to cure everything, but I hope I can help you.

Of course counselors are available around the country (and all over the world) for issues that can’t be solved with the tips I give here, and I am not trying to replace counselors; I am simply trying to be a shoulder to lean on because I have so many things in my life to be gr8ful for. I want the same for you.

According to the research I have read, the differences in the way men and women communicate emerge very early in life. Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. observed that when girls or boys who were best friends were put into a room and asked to talk to each other, “girls in all age groups would face each other and immediately began to talk, eventually ending up discussing the problems of one girl. Boys, on the other hand, sat parallel to each other and would jump from topic to topic—centered on a time when they would do something together.”

Tannen also observed that men (as adults) tend to “negotiate their status within a group” in order to “preserve [their] independence” while women talk to “negotiate closeness and intimacy.” To read more of Tannen’s work, go to http://homestar.org/bryannan/tannen.html.

Another piece of research I found is on a website called askmen.com. Now, as this blog is written by a woman, I thought it might be nice to get the perspective of a man. I don’t necessarily agree with him, but I think it is fair to include his perspective. According to this publication the issue arises because men say things exactly the way they mean it while women tend to elaborate a little too much. They beat around the bush so to speak while men just put it out there. The first point he mentions is that “women never say what they really mean.” He claims that when women want something, instead of asking for it directly they drop hints and expect the man to know what they want. If the man fails, the author claims, he is in trouble. As a woman, I was a taken off guard when I first read this, but then I realized that in the past I have behaved this way. I have now changed my behavior, and I am unafraid of asking for what I want because I have come to the conclusion that it is the easiest way to get it. It doesn’t always work because good relationships also include compromise, and sometimes your partner’s needs must come first.

Asking for what you want is much easier than expecting a man to know what you want and then getting frustrated when he can’t read your mind.

If you would like to read more of this piece, here is the link: http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/115_dating_advice.html.

I also found some great information on a website called suite101.com, in the communication between men and women section. This article stated that men tend to compartmentalize their thoughts and store them as if they were in a file cabinet inside their heads while women see everything as connected. They give the example of when a woman calls her husband at work and asks him to pick up something at the store on the way home. He will often arrive without the item(s) because when she spoke to him his “work” drawer was open, and he didn’t open his “home” drawer. This compartmentalization and lack thereof is why women provide so many details when they are speaking (everything is connected,) and men tend to give very few details (only one drawer is open at a time.)

If you would like to read more about this article, here is the link: http://marital-communication.suite101.com/article.cfm/communication_amongst_the_sexes.

These items may not be able to solve every problem in your relationship. I understand that I didn’t specifically address the issues that were brought up in the responses from my last blog entry. Those issues are individual to the person/couple who wrote them, and because I am not a doctor, I feel qualified to give general coaching but not a diagnosis.

My point in this entry is that men and women often communicate on two completely different spectrums. Keep this in mind when you are talking to each other. If you are talking to a man, think about how everything is separated in his head compared to how everything is connected in yours.

If you are talking to a woman, be patient with her; she knows what she is saying and feels like the details she is sharing with you are very important to her story. To her, the story isn’t complete if she is asked to leave out the details.

Appreciate the differences between the two of you instead of looking at them as liabilities.

Finally, be gr8ful for each other and remember that if you were both the same, you would get bored very quickly for there wouldn’t be much about each other that you could explore.

“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”
Anne Morrow Lindbergh


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