“I Didn’t Mean Anything by It!” – Wrong Answers Men Give

We all know that men and women are from two different planets but some mutual understanding is needed if they are going to live together in harmony. Girls, you know the routine: You ask them a probing question and they respond with an answer that sends you to the bedroom and them to the couch. Can’t we all just get along?

The Objective

The main issue is that many men are unknowingly set up. Yes it’s true. We women ask certain questions not because we want to know the answer but because we want reassurance from our partners. We want to be assured that no matter how much we have changed, they will still love us. That’s the bottom line.

As a man, if you’ve been with a woman for any length of time you have fallen into this trap a time or two. Eventually you will learn the objective albeit the hard way.

So, what’s the answer? Well, it’s not to keep quiet. By not answering, you are viewed as hiding something. We begin to imagine that those little wheels are turning in your brain and they are saying that our partner doesn’t approve of us anymore.

Well, the first rule of relationships is never trying to read each other’s minds because you will always be wrong. But, when men clam up and women let their mind’s wonder, the entire situation heads south very fast.

The Solution

For all you men out there who want to avoid the dreaded questions that all women eventually ask, here’s some advice. Answer the question, but in the right way.

Question 1: Do these pants make me look fat?

Answer: Stop worrying. You look beautiful in that outfit. – You don’t have to use those exact words; just mirror the sentiment. The reason for the question is your spouse or partner is feeling low and in need of some positive pep talk. And you are the one to give it to them.

Question 2: Do you still love me?

Answer: Yes I do, with all my heart. – Usually men just roll their eyes and ignore this one as if their partner is acting silly. But, just like the first question, she needs reassurance of some kind and is looking to you to find it. It may seem like a drama episode is about to begin but you can keep things civil by expressing your feelings about her to help boost her mood. It may even lead to a conversation about what is really bothering her.

As women we are emotional creatures. Knowing the feelings of our mate brings us a sense of security that we’ve chosen well. For a man, the best way to make it through our occasional “trial by fire” is to answer according to the reasoning behind the questions, not logic.

“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.”

Molly Mcgee


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We’ve been married 20 years – Now What? Changing the Shape of your Love

After all the child-rearing, career building and home making, the person you married could be someone different now. Don’t let that scare you. Learn to reshape your love so that it fits the picture of your life now.

If you’ve made it through 20 years of marriage, congratulations! Statistics have always said that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. That is debatable because it doesn’t take into account that several factors can decrease your chances of that happening, like:

• Getting married at an older age (23 and older for women; 27 for men)
• Growing up in two-parent household
• Having a child within a year of marriage
• Religious affiliation versus none at all

There are all sorts of predictors that therapists and others use to come up with reasons for marriage and divorce. Strictly speaking, there is a 50-50 chance that every marriage will end in divorce, but you and your spouse are still the greatest predictor of the outcome of your union.

Doing the Hard Work

Marriage is about 20 percent love and 80 percent hard work. But, that may seem the other way around for those who have found a way to make their relationship work at every stage of their lives. And, that brings us to the answer to the question in the title: Now what?

Love changes, just like people do. The person you were at the beginning of your relationship is not the person you are now, 20, 30 or 40 years later. You have been matured by experience, children and the trials of life.

In the midst of all the things that you have decided to do together as a couple, the root of your love often gets trampled on. There is not enough time for self let alone another person. So, you concentrate on the task at hand.

Usually the first sense that there is a “disconnect” is when the children move out or go to college. You and your spouse are alone together a lot more. For the first time in years, you’ve had to face each other and talk about something other than kids, school and household things. This can scare a lot of couples into thinking that something is wrong; they no longer know their partner.

The truth is that you both have lost touch and that’s normal. The trick is to find each other again. Don’t jump ship; settle in together for the next phase of your life. Shall we get started?

1. Act like a first date – If you don’t have a night set aside for a date night, start now. Ask each other questions. Find out new “likes” and “dislikes.”
2. Make plans – What are some things that you’ve always wanted to do together that you put off because of kids and work? There is no time like the present to get the ball rolling on those ideas.
3. Get away together – Take a weekend or a weeklong trip where you can be alone to rediscover this wonderful person in your life and have fun. Couples miss the fun of just being in each other’s company.
4. Recharge yourself – You are one half of this relationship. You are more successful with reconnecting when you accept the changes in yourself and embrace them.

The next phase of your marriage awaits. Are you ready for it?

"You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly."

-          Sam Keen

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The Reason for Girlfriends: The Role of “Gal Pals” in your Life

Having girlfriends can enhance your life. We are not talking about a man with many female partners, but women who have other female friends in their life. If you don’t have a lot of friends, there are ways to find more.

The Love Factor

There are three types of love. We’ve discussed them before: Eros, philos and agape. Brotherly love is represented by philos. It is essential to mankind that we be “brothers in arms.”

Friendships can last longer than relationships because they are built on different parameters than a love relationship. For instance, a friend is often seen for who they are and not who we want them to be, unlike a love interest. Friends are also varied in their character traits. A wide variety of people around you can broaden your ideals about life.

A friendship can develop into a bond that can sustain you through a lot of life circumstances. Friends usually know more about us than anyone else. And they meet a need in our lives at different times.

A study conducted at the Center for Aging Studies at Flinders University, Australia, alludes to the fact that people who have a large number of friends live about 22 percent longer than those who don’t. Having a social support system that includes friends can increase survival rates when faced with conditions like cancer. A 1989 Stanford University study showed that women suffering from breast cancer lived almost twice as long as those who didn’t engage in social activities with others.

Finding Gal Pals

How can you find more girlfriends to hang around with? Here are a few suggestions for you.

• Church – Get involved in women’s groups, the choir and volunteer for other duties to meet new people.
• School – Many lasting friendships are made at college. Keep in touch with the girls you connect with here.
• Volunteer work – Get out in the community and meet other women who are helping to do the most good.
• Work – Is there anyone you are close to here? Consider meeting socially to get to know each other.

Reasons to Have Girlfriends

Gather ‘round. Or rather, gather your friends around and see how much better they make you feel.

1. Confidante – Girlfriends can share their most intimate secrets and find acceptance.
2. Advice – This extends from fashion to relationships. A true girlfriend will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.
3. Motivators – Friends can give you that boost you need to start a new self-improvement project or make a change in your life.
4. Love and support – When you need a shoulder to cry on, they are there for you. That talk in the middle of the night on the phone or a meeting for lunch can make all the difference when you are hurting.
5. Laughter – It truly is the best medicine. And when you can talk over old times and make new memories, you can live a little freer.

Girlfriends remind us who we are and also help us become who we’ve always wanted to be.

“Our friends interpret the world and ourselves to us, if we take them tenderly and truly.”

            -Amos Bronson Alcott

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Over There! Over There! – Surviving a Military Relationship

In wartime and peace, military personnel protect and defend our country on these shores as well as in foreign locations. While we are grateful for their service, it can be a long and hard wait for their loved ones at home. Maintaining a military relationship is not easy.

There have been wars across the globe throughout the 20^th century. Recently, the war in Iraq and deployments to neighboring countries has left many military families without one or both partners.

With the growth of technology, long distance relationships are on the rise. In 2005 alone, as many as 3.5 million people in the U.S. were involved in them. And this was usually due to the circumstances of the couple getting together: meeting at university, on vacation or at out-of-town meetings for work. About one-third of that number included military deployments. In more recent years, that number is probably higher.

All of this means that people are learning to live and love better at greater distances. But, what makes a military relationship different? For one, the distance is dictated by work but often in dangerous areas and with limited communication. And, it can last for a year or more.

Life doesn’t stop for military families. They have the same issues as regular families: bills, medical care, child care and the daily grind, but without the help of their partner. In many cases, the military pay isn’t all that great and spouses have to work and take care of the family. It can be a hectic life.

Keeping the Home Fires Burning

It won’t be easy, but military couples can make their relationship work with a lot of help and strength.

1. Have a strong support system – If you live in off-base housing, it can get lonely if you are in an area with no family around to help. It is a plus, but if not, join local groups for military spouses. Form a network that can benefit everyone involved as a way to vent your frustrations but also to assist each other when you need it. It may be worth considering a move closer to your family while your spouse is away.
2. Talk to your spouse or partner as often as you can – Use the telephone, video conferencing and email. When you just want to see their face, a video link can satisfy your need to make sure they are okay.
3. Deal with your feelings – It’s easy to blame your spouse for being away and then feeling guilty for doing so. Instead, find ways to relieve your stress like exercise, a movie or even daily meditation.
4. Visit when you can – This can be a goal to look forward to. All of your hard work will be rewarded when they come home, but a surprise visit in the interim can be icing on the cake.
5. Stay involved with others – Widen your circle of support and friends through volunteer work and church activities. It can keep your mind off of the distance.

Mutual love and trust can be bolstered by the above advice to help your military relationship stand the test of time.

“Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.”

-          Benjamin Franklin

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Reading your Partner’s Body Language

Sometimes, the impression you give has more to do with what you don’t say than what you do say. Body language is an important part of the cues we give each other as couples. Tuning in to the way the other moves, can help you head off a lot of problems early on.

What is he/she really saying?

In order to know how to respond to your partner it is necessary to know a little about body language. Often we are slow to voice our feelings, especially men. But, it is not weakness to express how you feel to the one you love. Besides, body language can help you gain brownie points with your spouse. Here’s how:

• Noticing her chilly reception, can prompt a male partner to ask how her day went and offer to listen if something is wrong.
• When he sits on the other end of the couch, a female partner can ask him if something is wrong or what she can do to make him feel better.

It’s nice to have someone “sense” your mood without having to tell them that something is wrong. It can even be seen as a sign that you are getting to know each other pretty well. Partners appreciate that kind of attention.

So, let’s get down to it. What are some of the signs that things are not as they seem?

Body Language Hints

1. Crossed arms – This is a classic sign that you are closing yourself off from others. It doesn’t have to be something that they have done. Maybe you are not ready to speak about a certain topic. Your partner can respond by tabling the discussion until later. On a first date, the other person could be protecting themselves emotionally until they are sure you are right for them.
2. Sitting posture – When you are listening or talking to someone, it is normal to sit with your knees and legs facing the person. If the other person is distracted or not interested, they will turn their body away.
3. Head and eye movement – This is one that people always talk about. We want you to get it right. When you ask someone a question, they may look up and to the right or up and to the left. According to scientists, looking up and to the right signals that the person is recalling a past memory. Looking up and to the left signifies that they are lying; in effect, making up the response they are about to tell you. Also, answering someone with your head hung low and eyes averted could signal a measure of guilt, lack of confidence or fear concerning the topic you are discussing.
4. Rigidity – When a person goes stiff when you hold their hand or try to hug them, they don’t particularly want to be touched at that time for whatever reason. Follow the action up with discussion about what the problem might be.

Even if we don’t voice how we are feeling, the body says it all.

“She walks in Beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies,

And all that’s best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes…”

-          Lord Byron


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Love, Honor & Cherish: Love?

We use these words in our wedding vows but do we really know what they mean? Love is a many-splendored thing, but how can you convey it for a lifetime to your spouse?

Love and all its funny affects

What is love really? People have written about it in poems, plays and novels. Usually it is expressed as a feeling. Unfortunately, it is that feeling that has led to many misunderstandings about love.

Just think about the differences between a younger couple and an older one. A younger couple might listen to some of the stories from the older two and scoff. “I’d never stay around if that happened.” “That’s not really love.”

We all have preconceived notions about what constitutes love and marriage. And, we vehemently stick to them no matter what anyone else says. Often, it is these same notions that can end the relationship as well unless you widen your view of love.

Couples that have been and still are in love after many years will likely tell you that it is not about the feeling but what it compels you to do. The feeling is just the beginning of your existence together. True love is a choice.

Honoring that choice means a lot of things. You will invest time in making the relationship what you both want it to be. This can mean putting the needs of your spouse before your own as well as making sacrifices. That line in the vows, “for better or for worse; for richer or poorer; in sickness and in health” can be a doozy.

The Testament of Love

The testament of love is in the “test” that it is often put through in a marriage. Throughout it all, try to remind each other that you are still there. How do you show your love for your partner?

1. Tell them – Words are highly useful and underrated. Just saying “I love you” each day and meaning it can help your partner bear the weight of whatever they face outside your door.
2. Speak their language – According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages. Learn the one that pertains to your spouse and use it. As you show love to them, it will encourage them to also discover and use your chosen way of feeling appreciated. 
3. Spend time with them – A “disconnect” can occur when we spend time with everyone and everything else but our spouse. Snuggle on the couch and watch a movie; take a shower together; cook dinner together or take a walk together. Small moments add up to big feelings.
4. Speak the truth in love – Your opinion carries a lot of weight with your spouse. Use your words wisely and not to hurt but uplift.

There is more to “love” than just a feeling.

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”

-          Franklin Jones

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Is this the Beginning or the End? Let’s Talk about Dating

There are many ways to date these days: speed dating, online dating, blind dating and the old-fashioned way of “by chance” dating. But, how can you increase your chances of the first meeting being the beginning of something new and not the end of an already doomed encounter? If you’re lost, we’ll help you out.

“My name is ____.”

First dates can be awkward, but so can second and third if one person feels a connection that the other can’t find. Dating in and of itself hadn’t changed much over the years, just the method by which people are meeting each other. Busy schedules, children and other responsibilities have necessitated the need to “think outside the box” when it comes to meeting the love of your life.

Have you often heard couple’s say that they didn’t like each other at first? It can happen. But, there is also something that makes you come back to that person and form a lasting bond. The trouble today is that many people don’t have or make the time to take a second look at someone who didn’t make a good first impression.

You can try and avoid that with a few tips to always be ready if a person of interest enters your field of view.

Successful Date – check!

1. Look your best – Some partners complain that the other stops caring about the way they look after the first few dates. Make it a practice to take pride in your dress. It can lift your attitude and confidence and catch the eye of the person you want to go out with.
2. Have fun – Choose a location for a date that will inspire you to have a good time. Tradition says go out to eat or to a movie, but if that is not your speed, suggest another venue and activity for the evening. As a matter of fact, try an afternoon outing instead.
3. Be honest – This trait is often lost on online dating candidates. Don’t think that a prospective date won’t spot you a mile away as not matching your picture and turn tale and run. Honesty goes a long way throughout a relationship, but especially at the beginning. You can find out if you are really going to be compatible on a basic level before your heart gets involved.
4. Be open to new things – Dating is about exploring new relationships and finding out about yourself. We are not talking about going against your ethics, just broadening your horizons.
5. Stay positive – Every moment of a date won’t be wine and roses. But, don’t let that sour your mood for the rest of the evening. Keep working to see the upside of the situation, if you can.
6. Stay safe – Always meet in a neutral location. You are interested in this person but you don’t know them yet.

Dating can be a wondrous adventure if you stay open and honest.

“Come live with me and be my love, and we will some new pleasures prove, of golden sands, and crystal beaches, with silken lines and silver hooks…”

-          John Gregory Dunne

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Iceberg Right Ahead: Handling Disagreements in Relationships

If you live long enough, you will have a disagreement with someone that you love. Specifically, we’re talking about romantic relationships here. Keep the fighting “above the belt” if you want to preserve the relationship.

What is it about humans and fighting? As far back as Homer’s Iliad (8^th century B.C.), humans have been engaging in pugilism (boxing, to us modern-day folks). They were contests meant to test strength, honor and ability. It was high fashion to be a fighter in the arena.

It seems that many relationships have adopted that same concept: to the victor go the spoils. But, what are the spoils when you fight with your partner or spouse? In fact, everybody loses, especially if the fight is not on the level. There are places where fighting is not a good thing, and a disagreement between couples is one of them.

Danger Ahead

As the title implies, you could be heading for disaster if you treat your disagreements like prize fights. It is not a battle to the death or a championship bout. Both of you still have to function together as a couple after each conflict.

Many couples set themselves up for danger with preconceived notions. We’ve all had them: “I can love him enough to change him,” “We’ll never have a fight if we love each other.” Sound familiar?

Here’s a newsflash: Conflict is a part of life and it will be a part of your relationship. Thinking anything to the contrary can leave you feeling blindsided when the first harsh word comes out of your partner’s mouth. After the shock wears off you’ll be ready to fight. And, we all know how that will end: one person crying and hurt; one person brutally victorious.
When you start slinging mud, it’s bound to go everywhere and splatter everyone. Once those harsh words are spoken, there is no way to retrieve them. They have been heard and felt. It could be a deal-breaker in the end for your relationship. Does that sound like love or fair fighting to you?

Stay above the Belt

Disagreements will occur, so plan for them.

1.      Know your partner – Each of us has individual quirks that drive our partner crazy. Know what they are and address them when they become a problem.

2.      State your case clearly – If you feel like there is an issue with something your partner has said or done, let them know as soon as you can. Waiting only encourages more harsh feelings than there needs to be. Also, use words like “I” and “me” instead of making general sweeping statements about your partner that are derogatory and don’t get at the heart of the dilemma.

3.      Talk about what is really going on – Have you ever noticed that some fights degenerate quickly into past history? If you are arguing about a recent purchase, don’t drag last year’s financial troubles into the conversation. That should have been resolved then. Now, it only muddies the waters.

4.      Conclude it – Come to a conclusion and leave it at that. Don’t bring it up later.

Disagreements in a relationship can leave everyone feeling a bit frosty at times. Use fair tactics to end an argument amicably.

“Pleasure that is obtained by unreasonable and unsuitable cost, must always end in pain.”

-          Samuel Johnson
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Love, Honor & Cherish: Honor?

Marriage vows are thought to be sacred, but that is of no consequence if you don’t apply their meaning in your relationship. So, what does it mean to “honor” your spouse and are you doing it right now?

Honor?

The word comes from the Latin, “honos” or honoris,” meaning a quality of worthiness and respectability exemplified by someone. You mostly hear it mentioned in conjunction with military service. A person who is honorable is often viewed as above reproach, trustworthy, faithful and just in all respects. It is only an ideal and one that is often hard to live up to. It can describe fairness and honesty when dealing with others.

It is that last line that interests us as we discuss marriage. Many of us have never thought too much about how we would honor our spouse. Mostly it’s because that was part of the line in our vows that we didn’t make up or ask to be included. Still, it is there for some reason. It must be important to relationships.

Honor is often like integrity: the measure of it is best seen in what you do when no one is looking. With honor, it’s seen when your spouse isn’t around.

Ways to Honor your Spouse

We want you to make good on that vow you made. So here are some suggestions for ways to do just that.

1. Speak well of your spouse in public – Don’t say anything about your spouse that you wouldn’t say to their face. For instance, talking to a colleague you may remark, “My husband can’t fix a toilet to save his life.” It seems like a harmless statement, but how would your spouse respond if he heard it? Usually people are saying much worse or more embarrassing things about their significant others. Any faults should remain between you and your spouse. Remember they are not the only one who has some.
2. Speak truth to your spouse – If you have a concern about something, tell your spouse the truth. There is a way you can say things, that reflects tact tempered with love. But, don’t sugar-coat your words.
3. Consider your spouse’s opinion – When making decisions, consider what your spouse has to say. They are the other half of your partnership. Show that you value their opinion.
4. Respect your spouse – Have you ever seen a friend speak rudely to another friend’s wife or husband without a word being said to counter it? Your spouse is a part of you. Demand respect from your friends and others when it comes to how they speak to and about your spouse.
5. Show gratitude – Just because they are your spouse doesn’t mean they don’t want to be thanked for what they do for you. Thank them in word and deed privately, plus affirming them in front of others.

Treat your spouse as you would want others to treat them.

“Love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief.”

-          Source Unknown

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Love, Honor & Cherish: Cherish?

Some vows say “cherish” and some say “obey”. They are just words until you act on them. Before you say them, we are going to help you know what they mean. If you have already said them, you can learn how to live up to the oath you took.

When you cherish something you usually set it in high regard. We cherish our prized possessions. For some men, it’s their car. You keep it looking good and take care of it. Whenever anyone else is around it, you make sure they know how you like it cared for.

People cherish many things in life, but many are inanimate objects. What about cherishing people? That is what wedding vows are asking you to do. In this day and age, the word may be outdated but the sentiment is not.

Treat each like you want to be treated

The Bible had it right. One of God’s greatest commandments, mentioned in St. Matthew 22: 39, is to love others as you love yourself. In the sanctity of marriage that means treating your spouse as you treat yourself.

So then, cherishing your spouse is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. If there are issues with where you stand in your relationship, take a look within. How are you treating your spouse? Often, if we don’t feel “cherished” we won’t likely show our spouse that level of respect.

It all starts with you. Put the shoe on the other foot. Can you honestly say that you would be happy if you were talked to or shown appreciation the same way that you demonstrate it to your spouse? If the answer is no, then you have some soul searching to do.

Many couples take each other for granted and that leads to hard feelings that turn to granite over time. Cherishing another is not about giving them material things but about the actions you perform that money can’t buy.

Cherishing your Spouse

1. See the bigger picture – We can all say things out of anger or annoyance from time to time. Maybe you snap at your spouse because you’ve had a bad day at work. Instead of snapping back, ask what the problem could be since the action is probably uncharacteristic for your husband or wife. That can lead to a healthy discussion about what is truly wrong instead of a shouting match about the snapping incident.
2. Reduce temptation – Whatever it may be – financial, sexual or otherwise – you are less motivated to give in when you think of the feelings of your spouse. You may also be less tempted to deal dishonestly with your spouse when you hold them in high regard.
3. Nurture them – Nurture can go a long way to improving the life of a person. You can nurture their interests to help them grow in social ways and in their career. It brings about mutual growth in a relationship to know that your partner believes and is willing to support you.

Cherishing your spouse involves giving them what they need to survive and thrive.

“Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.”

-          Sarah Bernhardt

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Pounds, Smounds – I Still Love you: A Lesson in Enduring Love

No one ever looks better than they did the first time that you fell in love. The only time that can rival that is the wedding day. But, ten or twenty years from now, can you still say, I love you?

Before you cringe, the title is just an example of what someone might say to a lover or a spouse after many years together. We are not specifically targeting weight in this post.

The point is that we have stars in our eyes when we meet the person who we choose as our mate. It’s not just because of physical appearance although that is what we see first. Personality, beliefs and actions all play a part in helping to solidify that feeling at the beginning.

But, how many of us know that true love is more than a feeling? Time and chance happen to us all and as time passes, life will happen. We will get older. Bodies will change but so will attitudes and situations in our lives. Tragedy is not an uncommon companion for many of us as we travel along in this world. Anywhere along the line, we can be changed forever.

The question is: Can your love stand the changes that will come? That will all depend on the basis of your relationship. It was once said that John Derek (film director) met and married his famous pinup wife Bo because he thought she was beautiful. But he was also known to have said that when her looks went, he would go too. He stated his truth, but we all know that looks are not enough to sustain a relationship for life. No one can stop the aging process forever.

Ingredients of an Enduring Love Relationship

Think of it as making a successful fruitcake. We know that they last for years on end so you’ll want your love to be as endurable as one of those but filled with fresh and good things so it is still appealing.

• Respect – You are individuals who have decided to live as one. But, that doesn’t negate who you are separately. Value each other’s opinions above other people outside the relationship.
• Laughter – Laughter is medicine. When we laugh, endorphins are released in the brain. These chemicals promote a feeling of positive well-being better than any supplement or drug. If you can still find something to laugh about together, you are on the right road.
• Acceptance – This doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior, but acknowledging and being realistic about the changes that can happen over time – physically, mentally and spiritually. We are not the same as we were five years ago. We evolve as experiences change.
• Intimacy – Yes, intimacy is important. If you can still desire each other and connect on that deeper level, you can weather many storms in life.
• Inner light – Have you ever looked at someone and not seen the outside but the inside of them? You have learned to see who they really are. This is the hope that we cling to when our mate gets sick or endures a tragedy that threatens to change or break their spirit.

Life and love promises us one thing: There won’t be a dull moment. Can your love stand the tests of time?

“Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.”

-          Pauline Thomason

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Be a Friend to Gain a Friend

Am I my brother’s keeper? This question has been asked throughout history. Brotherly love has always been something of a mystery. Let’s search it out.

Philos

This is the Greek word for brotherly love. This is the relationship formed between two people who care for each other deeply but there is no sexual component. But, be warned. The connection between two people in this type of relationship can be just as passionate and possibly volatile when tested.

But, we digress here. What you want to know is how to cultivate brotherly love. The relationships between siblings is the most common example of this but that is born of birth and not choice. They enhance our lives but what about when there is no blood relation? Having a group of girlfriends to share good times or going out with the guys adds value to your life.

Finding Brotherly Love

Seeking out friends is similar to finding a partner. It is highly uncommon that they will just appear on your doorstep. You have to be in the best place to find people.

First though, define the traits that you look for in a friend: kindness, level-headedness, outgoing nature, common interests. Opposites do attract but it is the things you have in common that bind you together at a deeper level. Opposition makes the relationship interesting.

What type of person are you? In order to find what you seek, you have to give off that same vibe. Sound familiar? Think of the Law of Attraction. You may not believe in it but it does have some merit. Smile; learn to carry on a conversation; learn to listen to others; be yourself.

Know if you can be a friend to others. It may take you some time if you are introverted, but you can still find good solid friends you can trust. Remember to be as discerning when choosing your friends as you are when choosing a mate. There are bad apples in every bunch.

So, how do you find these friends, given your interests and personality? You will have to put yourself out there. Unless you talk to people, you won’t get to know them. In worst cases, they could think you are standoffish and avoid you.

Here are a few places to run into your new mates:

• Work – Get to know the people you are around for most of your waking hours each day.
• Sports – Join a gym or a local athletic league to play your favorite sport and be around people with similar interests.
• Volunteer organizations – When you come together to assist others, you can develop a kinship with people who find satisfaction in doing the same.
• Church – The environment is already friendly and inviting, you just need to put yourself out there.

Brotherly love enhances your life in ways that sexual love cannot. Learn to be a friend in order to have cherished friends for life.

“But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.”

-          Thomas Jefferson

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Desperate Love: Don’t settle for less

“There aren’t many more shopping days until Christmas.” “The biological clock is ticking.” “How many cats do you have?” These sayings seem unrelated, but they all have probably been said to someone who wants romantic love but just hasn’t found it yet. Don’t let others push you into a desperate love relationship.

Love is many things. It can feel like dancing on air or sinking into the darkest ocean. You can thank God one day for that person lying next to you and which you had never laid eyes on them the next. And this occurs in committed relationships!

You would think that love would be easier to find since it has so many recognizable faces. But, for some, it has become the elusive stranger who you only see in shadows but never full on.

The goading of others and our own thoughts can lead us to grab for anything that even resembles a love relationship. This is bad in so many ways.

Hold On

Isn’t it just the way that things happen? When you are denied something, you see it everywhere. It doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day for you to notice every couple on the face of the earth. It seems that love is in the air for everyone but you.

It’s enough to make you cry all the time but don’t lose hope. True love is not something you can pick up at the corner store. It takes time and the right person to make it work. A good number of those people you saw holding hands will be single again in less than a year. Everyone is not looking for a lasting relationship but you can’t tell that from watching cuddling couples on the street.

Love can elude us when we try to find it. It’s interesting but it usually sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Why?

People can tell when you are desperate. It’s like an unpleasant pheromone. Potential mates will run for cover. It’s not that they don’t like you, but desperation can send the wrong message and scare them way.

A desperate love situation can be bad for you too. People pray on those who will accept anything that looks like love so they can make a connection with someone.

Turn the Tables

Instead of desperately looking for love, cultivate the qualities in yourself that you want in a potential mate. Sometimes, the best course is to ignore your heart’s longings and learn to love yourself first.

This seems like a trivial point but consider the Law of Attraction for a moment. You attract to you what you give off. If you are stingy or mean, you will attract the same kinds of people. If you want love, learn to show love for yourself.

Work to stretch yourself. Become emotionally available if you are not already. Learn to be social and get comfortable with yourself for who you are. When you like who you are, others will too. And, you want to find someone who loves you for you.

Love will find you one day. In the meantime, love on yourself.

“Be careful what you set your heart upon – for it will surely be yours.”

-          James A. Baldwin

We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.