Iceberg Right Ahead: Handling Disagreements in Relationships

If you live long enough, you will have a disagreement with someone that you love. Specifically, we’re talking about romantic relationships here. Keep the fighting “above the belt” if you want to preserve the relationship.

What is it about humans and fighting? As far back as Homer’s Iliad (8^th century B.C.), humans have been engaging in pugilism (boxing, to us modern-day folks). They were contests meant to test strength, honor and ability. It was high fashion to be a fighter in the arena.

It seems that many relationships have adopted that same concept: to the victor go the spoils. But, what are the spoils when you fight with your partner or spouse? In fact, everybody loses, especially if the fight is not on the level. There are places where fighting is not a good thing, and a disagreement between couples is one of them.

Danger Ahead

As the title implies, you could be heading for disaster if you treat your disagreements like prize fights. It is not a battle to the death or a championship bout. Both of you still have to function together as a couple after each conflict.

Many couples set themselves up for danger with preconceived notions. We’ve all had them: “I can love him enough to change him,” “We’ll never have a fight if we love each other.” Sound familiar?

Here’s a newsflash: Conflict is a part of life and it will be a part of your relationship. Thinking anything to the contrary can leave you feeling blindsided when the first harsh word comes out of your partner’s mouth. After the shock wears off you’ll be ready to fight. And, we all know how that will end: one person crying and hurt; one person brutally victorious.
When you start slinging mud, it’s bound to go everywhere and splatter everyone. Once those harsh words are spoken, there is no way to retrieve them. They have been heard and felt. It could be a deal-breaker in the end for your relationship. Does that sound like love or fair fighting to you?

Stay above the Belt

Disagreements will occur, so plan for them.

1.      Know your partner – Each of us has individual quirks that drive our partner crazy. Know what they are and address them when they become a problem.

2.      State your case clearly – If you feel like there is an issue with something your partner has said or done, let them know as soon as you can. Waiting only encourages more harsh feelings than there needs to be. Also, use words like “I” and “me” instead of making general sweeping statements about your partner that are derogatory and don’t get at the heart of the dilemma.

3.      Talk about what is really going on – Have you ever noticed that some fights degenerate quickly into past history? If you are arguing about a recent purchase, don’t drag last year’s financial troubles into the conversation. That should have been resolved then. Now, it only muddies the waters.

4.      Conclude it – Come to a conclusion and leave it at that. Don’t bring it up later.

Disagreements in a relationship can leave everyone feeling a bit frosty at times. Use fair tactics to end an argument amicably.

“Pleasure that is obtained by unreasonable and unsuitable cost, must always end in pain.”

-          Samuel Johnson
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Love, Honor & Cherish: Honor?

Marriage vows are thought to be sacred, but that is of no consequence if you don’t apply their meaning in your relationship. So, what does it mean to “honor” your spouse and are you doing it right now?

Honor?

The word comes from the Latin, “honos” or honoris,” meaning a quality of worthiness and respectability exemplified by someone. You mostly hear it mentioned in conjunction with military service. A person who is honorable is often viewed as above reproach, trustworthy, faithful and just in all respects. It is only an ideal and one that is often hard to live up to. It can describe fairness and honesty when dealing with others.

It is that last line that interests us as we discuss marriage. Many of us have never thought too much about how we would honor our spouse. Mostly it’s because that was part of the line in our vows that we didn’t make up or ask to be included. Still, it is there for some reason. It must be important to relationships.

Honor is often like integrity: the measure of it is best seen in what you do when no one is looking. With honor, it’s seen when your spouse isn’t around.

Ways to Honor your Spouse

We want you to make good on that vow you made. So here are some suggestions for ways to do just that.

1. Speak well of your spouse in public – Don’t say anything about your spouse that you wouldn’t say to their face. For instance, talking to a colleague you may remark, “My husband can’t fix a toilet to save his life.” It seems like a harmless statement, but how would your spouse respond if he heard it? Usually people are saying much worse or more embarrassing things about their significant others. Any faults should remain between you and your spouse. Remember they are not the only one who has some.
2. Speak truth to your spouse – If you have a concern about something, tell your spouse the truth. There is a way you can say things, that reflects tact tempered with love. But, don’t sugar-coat your words.
3. Consider your spouse’s opinion – When making decisions, consider what your spouse has to say. They are the other half of your partnership. Show that you value their opinion.
4. Respect your spouse – Have you ever seen a friend speak rudely to another friend’s wife or husband without a word being said to counter it? Your spouse is a part of you. Demand respect from your friends and others when it comes to how they speak to and about your spouse.
5. Show gratitude – Just because they are your spouse doesn’t mean they don’t want to be thanked for what they do for you. Thank them in word and deed privately, plus affirming them in front of others.

Treat your spouse as you would want others to treat them.

“Love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief.”

-          Source Unknown

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Love, Honor & Cherish: Cherish?

Some vows say “cherish” and some say “obey”. They are just words until you act on them. Before you say them, we are going to help you know what they mean. If you have already said them, you can learn how to live up to the oath you took.

When you cherish something you usually set it in high regard. We cherish our prized possessions. For some men, it’s their car. You keep it looking good and take care of it. Whenever anyone else is around it, you make sure they know how you like it cared for.

People cherish many things in life, but many are inanimate objects. What about cherishing people? That is what wedding vows are asking you to do. In this day and age, the word may be outdated but the sentiment is not.

Treat each like you want to be treated

The Bible had it right. One of God’s greatest commandments, mentioned in St. Matthew 22: 39, is to love others as you love yourself. In the sanctity of marriage that means treating your spouse as you treat yourself.

So then, cherishing your spouse is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. If there are issues with where you stand in your relationship, take a look within. How are you treating your spouse? Often, if we don’t feel “cherished” we won’t likely show our spouse that level of respect.

It all starts with you. Put the shoe on the other foot. Can you honestly say that you would be happy if you were talked to or shown appreciation the same way that you demonstrate it to your spouse? If the answer is no, then you have some soul searching to do.

Many couples take each other for granted and that leads to hard feelings that turn to granite over time. Cherishing another is not about giving them material things but about the actions you perform that money can’t buy.

Cherishing your Spouse

1. See the bigger picture – We can all say things out of anger or annoyance from time to time. Maybe you snap at your spouse because you’ve had a bad day at work. Instead of snapping back, ask what the problem could be since the action is probably uncharacteristic for your husband or wife. That can lead to a healthy discussion about what is truly wrong instead of a shouting match about the snapping incident.
2. Reduce temptation – Whatever it may be – financial, sexual or otherwise – you are less motivated to give in when you think of the feelings of your spouse. You may also be less tempted to deal dishonestly with your spouse when you hold them in high regard.
3. Nurture them – Nurture can go a long way to improving the life of a person. You can nurture their interests to help them grow in social ways and in their career. It brings about mutual growth in a relationship to know that your partner believes and is willing to support you.

Cherishing your spouse involves giving them what they need to survive and thrive.

“Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.”

-          Sarah Bernhardt

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Pounds, Smounds – I Still Love you: A Lesson in Enduring Love

No one ever looks better than they did the first time that you fell in love. The only time that can rival that is the wedding day. But, ten or twenty years from now, can you still say, I love you?

Before you cringe, the title is just an example of what someone might say to a lover or a spouse after many years together. We are not specifically targeting weight in this post.

The point is that we have stars in our eyes when we meet the person who we choose as our mate. It’s not just because of physical appearance although that is what we see first. Personality, beliefs and actions all play a part in helping to solidify that feeling at the beginning.

But, how many of us know that true love is more than a feeling? Time and chance happen to us all and as time passes, life will happen. We will get older. Bodies will change but so will attitudes and situations in our lives. Tragedy is not an uncommon companion for many of us as we travel along in this world. Anywhere along the line, we can be changed forever.

The question is: Can your love stand the changes that will come? That will all depend on the basis of your relationship. It was once said that John Derek (film director) met and married his famous pinup wife Bo because he thought she was beautiful. But he was also known to have said that when her looks went, he would go too. He stated his truth, but we all know that looks are not enough to sustain a relationship for life. No one can stop the aging process forever.

Ingredients of an Enduring Love Relationship

Think of it as making a successful fruitcake. We know that they last for years on end so you’ll want your love to be as endurable as one of those but filled with fresh and good things so it is still appealing.

• Respect – You are individuals who have decided to live as one. But, that doesn’t negate who you are separately. Value each other’s opinions above other people outside the relationship.
• Laughter – Laughter is medicine. When we laugh, endorphins are released in the brain. These chemicals promote a feeling of positive well-being better than any supplement or drug. If you can still find something to laugh about together, you are on the right road.
• Acceptance – This doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior, but acknowledging and being realistic about the changes that can happen over time – physically, mentally and spiritually. We are not the same as we were five years ago. We evolve as experiences change.
• Intimacy – Yes, intimacy is important. If you can still desire each other and connect on that deeper level, you can weather many storms in life.
• Inner light – Have you ever looked at someone and not seen the outside but the inside of them? You have learned to see who they really are. This is the hope that we cling to when our mate gets sick or endures a tragedy that threatens to change or break their spirit.

Life and love promises us one thing: There won’t be a dull moment. Can your love stand the tests of time?

“Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.”

-          Pauline Thomason

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Be a Friend to Gain a Friend

Am I my brother’s keeper? This question has been asked throughout history. Brotherly love has always been something of a mystery. Let’s search it out.

Philos

This is the Greek word for brotherly love. This is the relationship formed between two people who care for each other deeply but there is no sexual component. But, be warned. The connection between two people in this type of relationship can be just as passionate and possibly volatile when tested.

But, we digress here. What you want to know is how to cultivate brotherly love. The relationships between siblings is the most common example of this but that is born of birth and not choice. They enhance our lives but what about when there is no blood relation? Having a group of girlfriends to share good times or going out with the guys adds value to your life.

Finding Brotherly Love

Seeking out friends is similar to finding a partner. It is highly uncommon that they will just appear on your doorstep. You have to be in the best place to find people.

First though, define the traits that you look for in a friend: kindness, level-headedness, outgoing nature, common interests. Opposites do attract but it is the things you have in common that bind you together at a deeper level. Opposition makes the relationship interesting.

What type of person are you? In order to find what you seek, you have to give off that same vibe. Sound familiar? Think of the Law of Attraction. You may not believe in it but it does have some merit. Smile; learn to carry on a conversation; learn to listen to others; be yourself.

Know if you can be a friend to others. It may take you some time if you are introverted, but you can still find good solid friends you can trust. Remember to be as discerning when choosing your friends as you are when choosing a mate. There are bad apples in every bunch.

So, how do you find these friends, given your interests and personality? You will have to put yourself out there. Unless you talk to people, you won’t get to know them. In worst cases, they could think you are standoffish and avoid you.

Here are a few places to run into your new mates:

• Work – Get to know the people you are around for most of your waking hours each day.
• Sports – Join a gym or a local athletic league to play your favorite sport and be around people with similar interests.
• Volunteer organizations – When you come together to assist others, you can develop a kinship with people who find satisfaction in doing the same.
• Church – The environment is already friendly and inviting, you just need to put yourself out there.

Brotherly love enhances your life in ways that sexual love cannot. Learn to be a friend in order to have cherished friends for life.

“But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.”

-          Thomas Jefferson

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Desperate Love: Don’t settle for less

“There aren’t many more shopping days until Christmas.” “The biological clock is ticking.” “How many cats do you have?” These sayings seem unrelated, but they all have probably been said to someone who wants romantic love but just hasn’t found it yet. Don’t let others push you into a desperate love relationship.

Love is many things. It can feel like dancing on air or sinking into the darkest ocean. You can thank God one day for that person lying next to you and which you had never laid eyes on them the next. And this occurs in committed relationships!

You would think that love would be easier to find since it has so many recognizable faces. But, for some, it has become the elusive stranger who you only see in shadows but never full on.

The goading of others and our own thoughts can lead us to grab for anything that even resembles a love relationship. This is bad in so many ways.

Hold On

Isn’t it just the way that things happen? When you are denied something, you see it everywhere. It doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day for you to notice every couple on the face of the earth. It seems that love is in the air for everyone but you.

It’s enough to make you cry all the time but don’t lose hope. True love is not something you can pick up at the corner store. It takes time and the right person to make it work. A good number of those people you saw holding hands will be single again in less than a year. Everyone is not looking for a lasting relationship but you can’t tell that from watching cuddling couples on the street.

Love can elude us when we try to find it. It’s interesting but it usually sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Why?

People can tell when you are desperate. It’s like an unpleasant pheromone. Potential mates will run for cover. It’s not that they don’t like you, but desperation can send the wrong message and scare them way.

A desperate love situation can be bad for you too. People pray on those who will accept anything that looks like love so they can make a connection with someone.

Turn the Tables

Instead of desperately looking for love, cultivate the qualities in yourself that you want in a potential mate. Sometimes, the best course is to ignore your heart’s longings and learn to love yourself first.

This seems like a trivial point but consider the Law of Attraction for a moment. You attract to you what you give off. If you are stingy or mean, you will attract the same kinds of people. If you want love, learn to show love for yourself.

Work to stretch yourself. Become emotionally available if you are not already. Learn to be social and get comfortable with yourself for who you are. When you like who you are, others will too. And, you want to find someone who loves you for you.

Love will find you one day. In the meantime, love on yourself.

“Be careful what you set your heart upon – for it will surely be yours.”

-          James A. Baldwin

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