Long ago, when the people of Babylon set out to build a tower so high that it reached the Heavens, God came down and dispersed the people and confused their language in an attempt to stop them building, or so they say. According to Wiki Answers, there are well over 5,000 languages spoken around the globe today.
Did you know that, along with actual verbal languages spoken in different countries; each individual also carries with them a specific language of love? Every single person; man, woman and even child, has a specific Love Language that makes him or her feel loved and connected to their partner, friends and family.
Basic Love Languages
Author and counselor Gary Chapman concludes that each one of us speaks one of the following languages.
Making Sense of it All
Just as the people of Babylon lived with confused verbal language for some time, couples all over the world today find themselves “not connecting” due to different languages being spoken. Over time, this leaves individuals feeling more alone and frustrated than anything else. But the realization to this lack of connection is not always immediately apparent.
During the beginning stages of falling in love, pretty much everything our new partner does elicits good and loving feelings from us and vice versa. Dr. Chapman, in ‘The Five Love Languages’, believes that this stage of love generally lasts for about two years. Just long enough to date and get married, based on average time frames for marriage (whilst wearing wonderfully rose tinted glasses).
After approximately two years, the rose colored glasses begin to clear; and we revert to speaking our individual languages. Thanks to the old adage “opposites attract”, a lot of couples will discover that they are not on the same wave length in terms of adequately showing love to their partner. This is not a result of insincerity; it is merely a demonstration in diversity.
To determine which Love Language you speak, you simply have to evaluate the way in which you treat your partner. It’s quite simple, really. Do you like spending a lot of time with him or her? Would you accompany them to the grocery store just to spend time with them? If you answered yes, it is likely that your love language is ‘Quality Time’. If your priorities are to prepare nice meals and maintain a clean home, then you speak in ‘Acts of Service’.
Finding your mate’s Love Language is just as easy as finding your own. How do they show love for you? Does your partner reach for your hand in the car or when you are walking to and from places? If they do, they likely fall into the ‘Physical Touch’ category. If your partner likes to bring you treats such as flowers, cards or other objects, you can be quite certain that they are a Gift speaker.
If you’re not certain which Love Language will best serve your partner’s love needs, maybe you should simply ask. In relationships, communication is always a top priority and the best way to avoid hurt feelings. Asking a person what will make them feel most loved will demonstrate to them how much you care; you are clearly showing sincere interest in giving them what they want and need.
No Love Language is better than any other. In a love relationship it is important to give and receive equally. Being unsure on what to give, doesn’t mean you don’t know how to give. When you determine the Love Language of your partner, it will be easy to keep their love bank account in positive balance through the years of a life spent together.
You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love God and man by loving. Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art. ~ St. Francis De Sales
We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.
Did you know that, along with actual verbal languages spoken in different countries; each individual also carries with them a specific language of love? Every single person; man, woman and even child, has a specific Love Language that makes him or her feel loved and connected to their partner, friends and family.
Basic Love Languages
Author and counselor Gary Chapman concludes that each one of us speaks one of the following languages.
- Words of Affirmation
- People who speak this Love Language often tell their spouse how lovely they look, or their children how well they completed a task. Giving a positive affirmation is a good way to build a mate’s confidence and self image. We all like to receive positive affirmations; but for some, this language speaks louder than all the others.
- Quality Time
- Individuals speaking in terms of time greatly enjoy doing things with their mate, friends or family members. They believe that focused ‘alone time’ is the best way to show love.
- Gifts It is easy to conclude that all children fall into the category of Gifts as their primary Love Language; but this actually isn’t the case. Every person in every culture enjoys having a gift bestowed upon them; diamonds ARE a girl’s best friend, after all! But seriously, for the person whose language is Gifts, a hand-picked flower is just as meaningful as a piece of jewelry.
- Acts of Service While some might consider this to be the easiest of all Love Languages, others will shy away immediately. There are people out there who just want or expect their partner or family members to do the darn dishes! E.g. if you want me to know that you love me, take out the trash! Performing acts of service for another is free and speaks volumes to anyone who uses this as their primary Love Language.
- Physical Touch It is important to understand that physical touch does not equal sex. Those who speak this language appreciate their partner placing a hand on their shoulder as they walk by, or to hold their hand while out walking. Physical touch is simply about physical closeness; not about sexual chemistry.
Making Sense of it All
Just as the people of Babylon lived with confused verbal language for some time, couples all over the world today find themselves “not connecting” due to different languages being spoken. Over time, this leaves individuals feeling more alone and frustrated than anything else. But the realization to this lack of connection is not always immediately apparent.
During the beginning stages of falling in love, pretty much everything our new partner does elicits good and loving feelings from us and vice versa. Dr. Chapman, in ‘The Five Love Languages’, believes that this stage of love generally lasts for about two years. Just long enough to date and get married, based on average time frames for marriage (whilst wearing wonderfully rose tinted glasses).
After approximately two years, the rose colored glasses begin to clear; and we revert to speaking our individual languages. Thanks to the old adage “opposites attract”, a lot of couples will discover that they are not on the same wave length in terms of adequately showing love to their partner. This is not a result of insincerity; it is merely a demonstration in diversity.
To determine which Love Language you speak, you simply have to evaluate the way in which you treat your partner. It’s quite simple, really. Do you like spending a lot of time with him or her? Would you accompany them to the grocery store just to spend time with them? If you answered yes, it is likely that your love language is ‘Quality Time’. If your priorities are to prepare nice meals and maintain a clean home, then you speak in ‘Acts of Service’.
Finding your mate’s Love Language is just as easy as finding your own. How do they show love for you? Does your partner reach for your hand in the car or when you are walking to and from places? If they do, they likely fall into the ‘Physical Touch’ category. If your partner likes to bring you treats such as flowers, cards or other objects, you can be quite certain that they are a Gift speaker.
If you’re not certain which Love Language will best serve your partner’s love needs, maybe you should simply ask. In relationships, communication is always a top priority and the best way to avoid hurt feelings. Asking a person what will make them feel most loved will demonstrate to them how much you care; you are clearly showing sincere interest in giving them what they want and need.
No Love Language is better than any other. In a love relationship it is important to give and receive equally. Being unsure on what to give, doesn’t mean you don’t know how to give. When you determine the Love Language of your partner, it will be easy to keep their love bank account in positive balance through the years of a life spent together.
You learn to speak by speaking, to study by studying, to run by running, to work by working; and just so you learn to love God and man by loving. Begin as a mere apprentice and the very power of love will lead you on to become a master of the art. ~ St. Francis De Sales
We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.
19 comments:
This article is very helpful for those of us who have been in love for some time and are beginning to wonder if those sparks are still there. The sad fact of the matter is that it seems that most people will simply come to the conclusion that they are no longer “in love’ and will look elsewhere for that high that new love brings.
It is so nice to see that there are real and valid reasons for the way I feel in my own relationship. I am married to a wonderful man whose language is yet to be determined. However, I will now spend time reflecting over our 8 year relationship in an attempt to determine what he has offered to me as a Love Language, and will hence find out what I need to offer him.
I am easy to figure out; I’m Acts of Service all the way! I have even voiced, “God, if you would just take out the trash I would be so happy!” But the response I get is that I’m a nag and why don’t I just take it out myself. Yes, we are in a rocky patch; but after reading this article, I have hope that we can work to turn our relationship around and get back on the right track. I know I am loved; and my husband knows I love him. We just haven’t shown it properly for a long time.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, huh? You hit me right in the heart with that one! I dated a woman for almost 5 years of my life, believing (through reading this article) that what she loved was to get gifts from me. Every time I would give her a gift such as jewelry or a trip to the spa, she would giggle like a school girl. Of course she loved these things, she was taken in by the feeling of sophistication they gave to her; not by the actual gifts themselves. To me, I was putting my heart and soul into those gifts; to her, they were trinkets to be added to her collection.
After all those years of dating, she left me because we didn’t spend enough time together. How about that? She was busy and I was busy; but we had our weekly date night and I thought we were both happy with that. Now I see that I was showing her love in the way that makes ME feel good. It was not fair to her and was not fair to me.
Knowing my own Love Language will not only serve as a guide to future relationships; but it will also help me better determine the Love Language of the women I date.
I really loved this article. More than just tips on bringing roses and holding candlelight dinners; it offers real and understandable information. Thank you!
I was married for 12 years, and I don’t know if having this information years ago would have helped us or not.
I do think, however, that now that I have this information I will use it. I can definitely say that I am a Words of Affirmation girl. I melt when I receive a compliment from the special person in my life, my dentist or my sister! I love love love to hear wonderful words. Not only does it make me feel appreciated; but it reminds me that I am fulfilling a purpose on this earth. I especially like it when people tell me that something I have done has made them feel special.
In terms of love relationships, it seems that there is always some new idea floating around to help us find love, keep love alive, and endure rough times. Learning which Love Language you speak is just another form of self awareness and subsequent self improvement (hopefully). When you take the time to improve yourself in any way, you will make a better mate, friend, sibling and so on.
I recently read the book The Four Agreements, in which author don Miguel Ruiz talks about not taking things personally. This, I think, is a great bit of advice for those who wish to bring love and stay in love for the long haul. By getting yourself out of the way a little bit, you allow more love to flow between you and another person. I can only imagine that doubling the advice from that book with learning what languages there are will lead me to a more fulfilling love life!
Joanne Roldan
When people spend time learning about themselves and take that knowledge and actually USE it, the world becomes a better place. The problem with learning Love Languages is that most people will forget the principles tomorrow. That, or they will learn what it is that makes them feel loved and put it upon their partner to offer that sort of love to them.
I don’t know if I believe learning to cater to your mate’s desires is such a good idea. To me, it kind of sounds like it has the potential to set someone up to be taken advantage of! I’m not much of a self-help person as of yet; I’m just beginning to learn more about myself. I guess what I’m learning at this moment is that I really don’t want to be taken advantage of!
Taking these ideas and bringing them into relationships is like really being present in your life! When we are present, discovering such things is not so difficult and not such a chore. It is nice, to read about the different categories people fall into. Giving each language a category helps us to discover the things we can do to show love! Great!
I don’t know if I believe learning to cater to your mate’s desires is such a good idea. To me, it kind of sounds like it has the potential to set someone up to be taken advantage of! I’m not much of a self-help person as of yet; I’m just beginning to learn more about myself. I guess what I’m learning at this moment is that I really don’t want to be taken advantage of!
Taking these ideas and bringing them into relationships is like really being present in your life! When we are present, discovering such things is not so difficult and not such a chore. It is nice, to read about the different categories people fall into. Giving each language a category helps us to discover the things we can do to show love! Great!
Spot on with the whole children assumption! Of course my kiddos run laughing and giggling with delight when their father comes home with special treats for them! Even I love it when he remembers my favorite perfume and gives it to me on my birthday.
Sure, I could easily think that kids are happy just to get these treats. But I pay close attention.
I have three children, and I know how to touch each of their hearts. With Emily, lots of hugs and she’s happy. My son, he is really into his privacy these days; but I consistently tell him he looks nice, acts nice and so on. I’m always specific in my praise and give reasons to back it up. He is 14 and hates insincere praise!
My oldest, who is 16, well she loves it when I take her to lunch or to get our nails done together. When I’m sitting and watching a show on TV, she will watch with me and we will actually talk about what’s going on. I have learned what types of shows she likes to watch and share those with her. We take walks and sometimes will just do the dishes together.
I’m learning so much lately that I’m just super excited about what my future holds! Using the Law of Attraction, I can bring to me the kind of love I want to experience. Using the Love Languages, I can better offer love to that mate when he shows up! I think I found this article because something good is about to happen in my love life. Thanks!
I am not currently in a relationship, and don’t foresee myself being in one for some time; just a personal choice. Right now is ME time and I’m focusing on being the very best person I can be. While the Love Languages are extremely valuable to people who are dating or who are married, they are also awesome for people like me who aim is to give back to the world through love.
I can use the Five Love Languages with my parents and siblings and with my friends and even with some of my co-workers whom I know very well. It is exciting to find out that I can now give back more effectively.
Hi Bekka,
I am so glad that you and your boyfriend are so committed to each other. That gives you a great foundation to help repair the problems you seem to have with communication. It sounds to me like your companionate love could be improved; if you are very committed, your passionate love must be doing well. I am guessing that you talk like most people who are in a romantic relationship talk to each other. When we love someone, it is easy to say things to him or her that you would never say to someone with whom you weren’t as close because we know that he or she will forgive us. When you talk more like friends, you are more likely to understand each other. Are you respectful of each other when you communicate like you would be to someone who is just a friend? I can only imagine that your discussions must get heated sometimes if you rarely agree on big life decisions like where you will live. Think about how you talk to your friends, and show your boyfriend the same courtesy you would show a friend. That might mean rewording some things or holding your tongue. Communicate with him what you are doing, and hopefully you can improve together.
To go through relationship struggles, feeling alone even while sharing your home and bed with another person every single day, is pure hell. Love is not always about that physical chemistry and spark that is felt early on in a relationship; it is about knowing another person and sticking by them through thick and thin.
What we really want, I think, is to be known. To be known equates to feeling loved. So it makes sense that these Love Languages would fit right into this theory. Love it.
SO happy I read this today. I have been confused in my relationship, wondering what in the world has been going on! I think your article hit the nail on the head for me. I have been married for less than a year. We dated for two years before saying “I do”, just like you said. Lately, I’ve been confused.
My husband and I have started bickering over small things. Now, I think what I’m feeling more than anything is that we are each more concerned with getting our own needs met than the other person’s. Maybe we both have a negative balance in our Love bank account!.
I have decided to start some new practices TODAY. I love my husband and I want to have a happy marriage that makes us both happy! We haven’t been together so long that I have forgotten the way we used to feel. I remember he used to love it when he picked me up for dates and I would just stare at him and tell him how handsome he looked. When we were dating, I really respected him and was enamored at his intellect. Now, I find that it annoys me more than anything! I need to get back to those days of appreciating what he offers and offering him those words of affirmation that make him feel so good. I hope it makes a difference!
SO happy I read this today. I have been confused in my relationship, wondering what in the world has been going on! I think your article hit the nail on the head for me. I have been married for less than a year. We dated for two years before saying “I do”, just like you said. Lately, I’ve been confused.
My husband and I have started bickering over small things. Now, I think what I’m feeling more than anything is that we are each more concerned with getting our own needs met than the other person’s. Maybe we both have a negative balance in our Love bank account!.
I have decided to start some new practices TODAY. I love my husband and I want to have a happy marriage that makes us both happy! We haven’t been together so long that I have forgotten the way we used to feel. I remember he used to love it when he picked me up for dates and I would just stare at him and tell him how handsome he looked. When we were dating, I really respected him and was enamored at his intellect. Now, I find that it annoys me more than anything! I need to get back to those days of appreciating what he offers and offering him those words of affirmation that make him feel so good. I hope it makes a difference!
Relationships should not require so much work. If you get to know yourself BEFORE you ever hop into a relationship with another person, you will attract the relationships that are best for you. In terms of marriage, maybe our grandparents had it right. My grandparents married young; but stayed married until they both died. They really knew what commitment was.
Our grandparents stayed married so long because they were raised to do the right thing! My grandparents also stayed married for their entire lives; but they weren’t necessarily happy. They each did their thing and basically shared a house. I’m sure there was some sort of love there; but not the kind that we aspire to today.
I cannot wait to start planning how I will make my wife feel more loved. Like a lot of people, we have hit a rough patch of our own after 10 years of marriage. I think we’re both guilty of getting wrapped up in the business of life and forgetting the importance of focusing on our relationship.
I know I’m guilty of speaking the wrong language to my wife. I’m a physical touch kind of guy. Not that we have to be intimate every night; but I just like being close to her. Somewhere along the lines; my messages have gotten screwed up and I think that every time I touch her she feels sexual pressure that causes her to retreat. I want her to feel loved and want to feel like she likes being close to me again. I am looking forward to discovering her Love Language and seeing where it takes our relationship!
hi!
Well based on my expercience when your inlove no matter how big difference you have with each other.Love always come 1st. And no matter how many broke UP's you expercienced with that particular LOVER if you love her/him you still find ways to bring your relationship BACK!!and in terms of love language. Yes there are 5,000 languages but when your inlove..love always find ways for you to communicate or to understands each others thought..
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