We emailed back and forth several times before we decided to meet for a drink. Emailing was safe and it allowed us to get to know each other a little bit before we met in person. He shared a lot of information about himself, his past, his hopes, and his vision for the future, his attitudes, his desires, and his values. He was BRAVE, he was open, he was forthcoming and he was honest (well, at least, it sounded like he was being honest, and I was LUCKY to find out that indeed he’s one of the most honest human beings I’ve EVER met.)
However, it’s important to note, that my soul mate was VERY detailed in his writing (most men like communication to be short & sweet, at least that’s what I’ve found in the past and the research seems to imply as I mentioned yesterday from the USA Today article.) It was evident to me that he was making an effort. I thought to myself “this time is different.” Here was a man who was willing to be articulate and express his opinions about various subjects in writing. He seemed very SURE of himself, and I came to the conclusion that he may be a confident man. In the time since then, I’ve found that he is indeed very self-confident. Even though men and women typically communicate in different ways via email, according to Bonka Boneva and Robert Kraut of Carnegie Mellon University, “there is evidence that women are, on average, more relationally oriented, more expressive of their feelings,” my soul mate seemed to be breaking all of the rules in a fabulous way.
Even though the emails were flowing smoothly, I was extremely reserved for a while when it came to spending time face-to-face, but the more time we spent emailing, the more I began to feel at ease and comfortable enough to remove some of my barriers.
Our first date consisted of having a drink in a lovely, classy, restaurant bar, after which he drove me home. Our goodbye was a bit awkward, and later I wanted him to know that I appreciated him behaving with class; ordinarily I would NEVER have a man drive me home on a first date (I’m weary of my privacy & security,) so I sent him a text message: “Thank you for being a gentleman.” Therein is the TRUTH about texting and soul mates: it’s appropriate AFTER you’ve created a connection with someone.
Every now and again, out of the blue, he still sends me a text message, and it’s a real pleasure because we usually communicate face to face. His messages are short and sweet and he doesn’t try to replace romantic gestures with texts. He really is FANTASTIC when it comes to showing me that he loves me, and I think it is fair to share, I ALWAYS tell him how much I appreciate his gestures. I LOVE the way he SHOWS me that he loves me, as well as the ways he TELLS me. For example one day he left a note on the dashboard of the car: I LOVE YOU (hand-written.) I couldn’t see the speedometer without removing his note; he had made sure that I would see it.
In short, ALL sorts of communication are imperative in a relationship, and the more varied they are, the MORE refreshing they are. Here are some tips to help you if you are struggling to show or tell your soul mate how much they mean to you:
- Be creative. Instead of “I love you,” you could say something like “my life is incredible, thanks to U”
- Mix it up. Make some messages short and sweet, and some lengthy, meaningful, and sentimental.
- Keep it regular and real. Say things that sound like you, they will feel more authentic.
Use ALL of the mediums we have at our disposal in this day and age including text and email; they can enhance your relationship greatly if used in the right manner.
Happy communicating!
“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”
~Anthony Robbins
13 comments:
Thank you so much for writing this blog. I am a busy mother of three kids who never has time to keep the romance alive with my husband. He too is busy and we only meet each other coming and going from work, football practice, dance class & meetings. I’m sure you can guess that our marriage has turned into not much more than a business contract, that business being parenting our three great children.
The trouble is, as I suspect it is with a lot of couples, is this is not what we envisioned when we got married, or when we had children.
I want my husband to be my partner again and not just my business associate. If I would have wanted a roommate, they are very easy to come by.
It is “soul mates” as you say that are difficult to find. I am certain that my soul mate is still inside my husband somewhere, and I know that the person he married is still within me.
I think sending emails or a text messages just to let my husband know that I am thinking about him could go a long way toward bringing back the spark in our marriage.
I know that you say it is what began your relationship, but if it was enough to spark some chemistry between two people who don’t know each other, I am quite sure it will help the two of us get back on track.
I would love to be able to do more, but with three kids and no family around, there are few opportunities to even spend any time alone together. I still love my husband very much, and I think he loves me too, but it is funny how life somehow becomes more important than love. Hopefully this will help us have something that is just for us, and we can get on the road to recovery.
Julie Adams
After I read this article, I'm inspired because I thought in this way of having a relationship using internet is just for fun. I want to have relationship with other Asians especially from Korea and Japan and I want to try communicating through email. Sending emails is just the same with texting also with chating. This kind of communication is really helpful for us in this generation so lets use this technology properly.
Very Well Said, My girlfriends works in Japan now. she is very busy and the only way we could communicate is through emails. i glad that i read this blog this will change the way we communicate. This is very helpful. Nowadays, internet is very practical so we need to use it properly.
Yes, email provides for a good means of expressing romantic feelings, but should only be used as a means of starting communication (in building relationships) and to complement relationships (when maintaining the bond when in a relationship). The random text message, email or note (with an "I miss you" or "I love you") is good to help your partner realize how he/she means to you. Thanks for all the good posts. It helps me to realize how lucky I am to be with someone who greatly values our relationship, because it is really hard to find someone you can really trust nowadays.
Kind regards,
Jeremiah
Julie,
thank you so much for your eye-opening comments! I can certainly empathize with not having enough time in your life for romance.
It is truly easy to get caught up in the everyday things in your life and suddenly you don’t remember what it feels like to feel cherished.
My first bit of advice would be to remember to be gr8ful for your husband, your children, and the jobs that unfortunately keep you apart a little too much.
Sometimes in life it is the most difficult things that make the simple things so precious.
Secondly, make sure you remember that your husband probably does still cherish you even if he doesn’t take the time to tell you or show you. It takes effort to have a strong relationship, and sometimes that effort is the first thing to go when life gets hectic.
I think your idea of sending your husband an email during the day to let him know that you are thinking about him is a GREAT idea.
Expect him to be surprised if this is something that you haven’t done in the past, and expect it to take some time before he reciprocates.
If your husband is very technologically conscious, it might be a bit easier to get him involved in your plan. If not, it might take some coaxing.
I think I would begin by not telling him what you are up to; it will be a pleasant surprise for him if he isn’t expecting it, and that might be all it takes to help get things back on track.
If he doesn’t respond or he doesn’t respond positively, DON’T GIVE UP! Or, in the positive: KEEP COMMITTED & GOING…
Remember that things that are new can feel uncomfortable and as he gets used to it, it will likely be easier for him to play along.
My last bit of advice is to stay true to who you are in the emails and texts. If you wouldn’t consider saying the words out loud that you are writing to your husband now or when you were very romantic with each other, it might be a good idea to choose a different way to say what you mean.
I think you want your husband to know that he is still desirable to you, and that you still love him, so sending him a message that doesn’t ring true could make him suspicious instead of flirtatious.
I wish you the best of luck; please let us know how things are going.
Kim
Hi Julie, I can feel your pain. My husband and I, as I mentioned yesterday, have been married for fourteen years. We have two boys whom we both love very much. A couple of years ago we were in a situation that was similar to yours in that the romance was gone and we were simply roommates sharing the responsibility of raising two children. Our situation was different than yours in that my husband had decided that he no longer loved me and wasn’t sure if he could ever love me again or whether he wanted to remain married. I’m sure you can imagine that I felt like the bottom had dropped out of my world. I began doing everything I could think of to remind him of why he fell in love with me in the first place. That was a very scary and empty time in my life, but I always had faith that it would work out in the end. It took several months, more than a year actually, before we were well on our way to recovery. I was able to keep the faith in us because I knew that it was the romance that was missing and that it could be rebuilt. My husband is still not an email user, but he has used text messaging for a few years, so I sent him a message almost every day telling him that I loved him or I appreciated what he did for our family. It was frustrating at times because he didn’t reciprocate for a long time. He gave the excuse that he wanted out and why should he work at our marriage if he didn’t want to be married?
I am here to tell you that if you are not in that place, you can probably get the romance back a lot easier than I could, but I have some other things to share with you that I think helped us. First, it is crucial that you find time to spend alone together. I know you don’t have any family where you live, but do you have friends that could babysit for you every other week, and maybe you could trade off and take their kids on your off weeks? Even if you don’t have the money to go out for dinner or spend much money, you can go for a walk or a bike ride, or go to a coffee shop and have a cup of coffee. Without any time as a couple, you will stay co-parents. Also, even though we as women might not mind if the sex goes away, most men do mind. It seems that men and women are wired differently when it comes to this aspect, so even if you aren’t that excited about it, make sure your husband is satisfied sexually. I know this may come across as a bit antiquated, but the bottom line is that both men and women have needs that need to be met, and if you begin meeting his needs, he will probably be a lot more likely to meet yours.
Thank you for this entry, Kim. The part of it that hit me was when you said “Be creative. Instead of ‘I love you,’ you could say something like ‘my life is incredible, thanks to U.’” My spouse and I get along fine, and we send “I love you” messages all the time, but it is funny how they can begin to seem bottled and stale when you are always saying the same things. For a flirty, sweet message to sound sincere, you can’t simply say the same thing again and again. It becomes part of going through the motions so you are holding up your end of the bargain, but after awhile it is hard to feel cherished when you know there isn’t any effort or much thought going into the other end, so you start slacking off on your effort and thought as well. I am going to share this with my fiancé tonight and talk to him about it so we can get back on track before we are in a place where all of the romance is gone.
Jaime
I found this blog to be very insightful. It turns out that men are capable of doing things that are thoughtful and sentimental. My concern lies in the quote you shared from Carnegie Mellon University. You stated that your soul mate was breaking all the rules in a fabulous way which is great for you and others who have significant others like him, but what about men who don’t break the rules?
I, for example, wouldn’t be able to get my boyfriend to put his thoughts and feelings in writing or in print even if I offered him season tickets to the Dallas Cowboys. It seems that we are the stereotypical man and woman that were alluded to in the quote. On the other hand, I am able to get him to talk to me if I let him know that it is important for me to hear his feelings. I think it is important for everyone to remember that what works for one person or for one couple may not work at all for another. It is hard enough trying to make a relationship successful in today’s world without the added pressure of “doing it right.” Of course there have to be some deal breakers, like abuse for instance, but other than that, if two people are happy with each other and they meet each other’s needs by email, text message, love note, or face to face conversation, I don’t think we can judge them for it.
Wow, Kim. It sounds like you found the elusive perfect man. Does he have a brother? J Isn’t it funny how these things happen by chance or even by accident? What would have happened if you had never responded to that email? My guess is that nothing would have happened. Maybe I am being negative, or maybe I am tired of waiting around for something to happen, but I often wonder how many great opportunities I have missed just by chance. Your blog has inspired me to begin taking a few more chances in my life. I think I have fallen into the trap of waiting for Prince Charming to ride in and sweep me off my feet, but isn’t it true that the reason we are interested in the Prince Charming stories in the first place is because they rarely if ever happen in real life and we like to spend our time dreaming about them? Really if we want a Prince Charming, we have to be willing to take a chance and not sit around and wait for a chance to take us. Don’t get me wrong, I am not about to go and jump out in front of a bus in hopes that someone will save me, but maybe I will send a cute friend of a friend a message on facebook, or maybe I will give out my phone number to someone who asks for it. The bottom line is that if I wait around waiting for a guy like Matthew McConaughey in The Wedding Planner, I will be waiting for a long time, like forever. So, I am going to be willing to take some chances. Thanks Kim.
Helaina
I loved this blog entry, but I am a little confused. I am thrilled for you that you met your soul mate because he emailed you via your personal website. But what about those of us who don’t have the name recognition you do or our own website where people come just to read what we say? I’m just saying that there aren’t that many great ways to meet men if you don’t want to spend time at a club every night and risk having something slipped into your drink or meeting someone who is a raging alcoholic or worse. What can I do? I am not an avid churchgoer, and if I was, I think I might be a little too wild for a good church boy to handle. ;-)
As someone who has had relationships come and go, I am ready to settle down, but I am finding that the men I meet are interested in nothing more than sex. Where have all the good guys gone? Are they hiding in inconspicuous places like on your website? If so, can you start a forum for people to meet? I realize we might be all over the United States and the world, but what if it’s right? Is there a distance one wouldn’t go when it’s meant to be? This reply is probably coming off as whiny and I apologize, but I am frustrated with the lack of opportunities to meet people. How can it be fixed?
I must say I am a bit offended by Suzy’s implication that in order to get your husband to love you, you have to give him sex whenever he wants it. I don’t feel that it is my job to cater to his every whim. I do my best to keep my husband happy; I cook, I clean, I take care of the kids, I do the laundry, I work, I make sure the bills are paid, and it seems like the only thing he appreciates is the television. I too love my husband, or at least the man that I married, but I resent the idea that I have to do one more thing (that he could really take care of for himself) in order to get him to love me back. Honestly, I am not a bit attracted to him when I have been bending over backwards all day to make sure our household and family runs smoothly and not only does he not ever mention it, but he also never offers to help. I am exhausted; I don’t feel sexy, and I don’t feel loved. I don’t share a bed with him because I am his sex toy but because we committed to each other “’til death do us part.” I feel he isn’t living up to his commitment and I am. What can I do to fix that?
If you couldn’t tell, I am very bitter about the whole situation. I have tried to talk to my husband about my feelings, but he avoids these discussions like the plague. He might flirt with me once in a while, but his flirting is grabbing my butt or other body parts, and I don’t find that endearing. We seem to be living in two different worlds. I really want to recapture what we had in the beginning, but I feel like I am doing more than my share and he is not meeting me halfway. If only I could get him to talk to me…
I can really relate with what both Julie and Suzy said. My husband and I found ourselves in a place a few years ago where there was no love, at least not the kind of love that married couples should have. We had become parents, our son overtook our lives, and we were thrilled to have such a precious child, but there was just nothing there between us anymore. We were friendly, but we both needed more, and we didn’t want the temptation of looking elsewhere, so we decided to take action before it came to that point. We began to see a counselor; neither of us wanted a divorce, but we were both miserable and unwilling to stay that way. Counseling helped us tremendously. The first thing that we learned is that we were by no means unique. Many, many couples have marriage difficulties when their children are small simply because they don’t have time for each other. We found great hope when the counselor told us that as children get older and don’t depend on their parents for everything, spouses often find their way back to each other. Of course our counselor didn’t tell us to just wait until our son got older and things would get better, but he offered some of the same advice as Suzy gave above with the exception of the sexual aspect because that wasn’t really a problem for us. He said that it was vital that we spend time alone together on a regular basis. When we were with our son, we were parents, but when we were alone, we could be a couple. Even if the time spent is after your kids go to bed, make sure you do it; it was our saving grace. We started talking and got to know each other again. Oh, I forgot to mention that our counselor also told us how important it was to have conversations about something other than our son and the household. We began talking about things we had in common before we were parents, and we fell in love again.
I don’t want anyone to think that we had a magic wand and we fell in love again and it just magically stayed that way. We still both have to work at it. Our son is older now, and it is easier for us to find alone time, but we still both make a conscious effort to do something little every day and to talk to each other each evening. Our magic combination might not work for everyone, but we worked at it until we found what succeeded for us, and I think that is the key: keep working at it until it starts working for you.
sending emails should be use properly especially with business matters.
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