Sex is Not a Bargaining Chip

How often have we done this when we were dating someone? If I don’t get what I want, then neither will you. We have all done it. But, just the thought of using sex as a pawn in a game can be more destructive to the overall relationship.

When you are in a relationship with someone, sex comes along eventually as a natural occurrence. After you say “I do” many partners feel like they have hit the mother lode because they can have sex whenever they want as if there was some sort of governor limiting them beforehand.

We all have different perceptions about sex but there is one thing that we must agree on. It is an expression of deepest intimacy between two people. It links them on more than a spiritual or physical plane. The sexual bond is one where love and acceptance meet in its rawest form.

So, how can something that is supposed to mean so much be thought of in such a carefree manner when we get angry and withhold it? You are saying something detrimental to your partner when you do this. Here are some of the deeper seated meanings behind the use of sex as punishment:

·         You are being physically rejected by your partner

·         One partner is in control of what happens in the bedroom

·         Being intimate with you is not as important as getting the household chores done

Something else is wrong

Using sex as a bargaining chip is a way of avoiding other problems in the relationship. Your intimacy may have nothing to do with the issue at hand. It is being brought in as a way of making one partner stand up and pay attention to the other. When one partner wants sex more than the other, it can be very effective and, in addition, destructive.

Take a step back and look at what is really going on. There is a lack of communication elsewhere that is not being addressed at all. Before you bring the bedroom into the problem, talk to your partner.

Discussing feelings is not always easy in a relationship. To avoid awkwardness, get to the point. Say what is on your mind and go from there. If he doesn’t help out around the house, then say so. If she spends too much money, then say so.

The problem will continue to manifest itself as a wedge between you until you meet it head on. Now, you can work towards a solution.

Sex is an integral part of your union. If you feel like you are losing a grip in other areas of the relationship, deal with them as soon as possible. Then, you are free to be intimate without any strings attached.

Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything.

-          Unknown

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Love means…Walking a Mile in Someone Else’s Head

Have you ever wondered what it must be like to be someone else? When you look at your spouse or significant other you usually aren’t wondering this in a good way. But, learning to see things from their perspective once in a while can help you to better understand each other.

Men and women think differently. Women have known this for years but it is an actual fact. Each processes information in a dissimilar way. For instance, a woman can come into the house and see little messes everywhere that need to be picked up. The man can walk into the same house and only zero in on the clean space on the couch to sit down and kick up their feet.

It is frustrating and that tension can lead to difficulties in the relationship. But, you say, if we think differently, how can that tension be broken? The answer lies in what we are willing to do for the person we say that we are devoted to in order to understand them better.

Many times in your relationship love will be put to the test and this is one of them. A connection that moves below the superficial and the physical towards the spiritual begins with sacrifice. For once, you are going to take a look at situations from the point of view of someone else. And, you won’t be alone. Your other half can do it too.

Taking a Step Back

It is easy to blow up and yell when you come home and the house is a wreck but your partner is sitting blissfully in the middle of it all. Before any words are spoken, realize two things:

• You are tired, and 
• You are seeing things through your own eyes 

Most loving partners want to know how to please each other in their everyday life. When you don’t see eye to eye it isn’t always on purpose. It’s how we are hardwired. But, there are a few things you can try to bridge the gap.

1.Talk to your partner – Ask them what they see when they walk into the house. Many men aren’t as familiar as their female partners when it comes to household tasks. At work, they can multitask all day but at home, they need some help. Guide them by asking them to do certain things instead of thinking that they will automatically do them.

2. Be patient – It won’t be easy to get your spouse to think along the same lines as you do. It will take some gentle training on both your parts. Don’t be afraid to ask them more than once.

3. Show gratitude – When they do it right, thank them. Appreciation goes a long way in a relationship. When someone receives positive feedback, they will want to try harder and strive to please you more. This is the ultimate goal for both of you.

Want to know what your partner is thinking? Spend some time in their head and discover how they think. It could lead to a better understanding and a deeper love connection.

Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that.

- Michael Leunig

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Let me Count the Ways…I love myself

It’s a famous line from a sonnet by Elizabeth Barrett Browning. Today we are using it not to speak about loving someone else but yourself. Can you count the ways that you love yourself?

The topic of loving oneself rarely comes up. We talk about love in relation to how others make us feel or how we affect them. But what about Numero Uno?

No one wants the spotlight turned on but we are going to do just that. Loving yourself is the most basic form of love that you will encounter. It is actually where things begin for you in your relationships. Essentially, if you can’t learn to experience this emotion within yourself, then it will be hard to translate it with others.

How do you love yourself?

The question now is how do you know that you love yourself? The quickest way would be to ask someone you trust. They can tell you what they see. A person who loves themselves will:

• Have a healthy respect for themselves and others
• Expect the best from themselves and others
• Forgive themselves for mistakes
• Learn to trust themselves
• Accept who they are and encourage others to do the same

The types of relationships that we have say a lot about who we are and how we feel about ourselves. It’s almost like the Law of Attraction. If you are constantly getting involved (romantically or otherwise) with people who disrespect you, think negatively, are abusive or have no ambition, you might want to take a step back and reevaluate your feelings for yourself.

The revelation may come as a shock to you. You have an unhealthy love-hate relationship going on that needs to be addressed. Lots of people have this issue. The difference is that you are now about to find out how to change it and your life.

Here are some pointers to help you get to know who you are again. Think of it as a courtship.

1. Let go of past issues – Many of us see ourselves through lenses that are colored by past incidents or the negative reinforcement of others. “You won’t amount to anything.” “You are ugly.”"You won’t be able to do that.”
2. Replace negative thought patterns with positive statements – To begin seeing yourself fin a more positive light you will need to speak that into your life. Post positive affirmations on your mirror, on the refrigerator and at your desk. Speak them until you believe them and they take over your thoughts.
3. Keep a journal – List the things you like about yourself, your strengths, weaknesses and the things you would like to change. Identify what characteristics and traits you have that make you feel comfortable and own them no matter what anyone else thinks. Also set goals to begin achieving the changes you desire to see happen.
4. Focus on someone else – We are talking about volunteering and bringing joy and kindness in the lives of others. Your feelings of self-worth will increase as you see your kindness reciprocated.

How you feel about you is important for the health of all of your relationships.

In every living thing there is the desire for love.

-          D. H. Lawrence

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Fostering Openness in your Relationship

We know that men are from Mars and women are from Venus but can the two ever meet on neutral territory? Open and honest communication is important between partners but how can you get there?

 A History Lesson

Historically, we have lived in a patriarchal society. Men have made the rules and women were viewed as second-class citizens. Even in the Bible, the apostle Paul made a reference to women remaining silent in the company of men (1 Corinthians 14:35, KJV).

Men are seen in specific ways. They are the providers, showing bravery, courage and stoicism in the face of danger and tragedy. Even as children, boys are told not to cry and show any kind of emotion. It is considered a weakness.

Women are just the opposite. Viewed as the “weaker sex” they are allowed to sympathize. Showing emotion is acceptable for them since they are not given positions of power where it can interfere with rational thought.

It is this disparity in cultural practices that has led to some of the problems with how men and women communicate. Men see it as a sign of weakness to discuss feelings. They’d rather do anything else but that. Women feel that their feelings are taken for granted or overlooked by their partners.

Coming into the 21^st century

The good thing is that men and women are not one dimensional. No one totally exemplifies the historical stereotype of what male and female roles should be. We have evolved to accept that both genders have brains in their head and something to say. Maybe all along men and women were trying to communicate behind closed doors.

Gone are the days (or they should be) when we keep silent in relationships, allowing things that irritate us to pass unnoticed.  No longer are matters simply “understood.” Dialogue has to happen so that everyone is on the same page.

Honesty is important. It is hard to be completely intimate with another person if you can’t trust that they are not keeping things from you. On some level this is subjective. Couples decide for themselves what needs to be shared. We are not talking about admitting that you cheated on a test in the fifth grade, but issues that are germane to sustaining your relationship.

Here are a few tips to help you foster honest and open communication with your partner:

1. Make time to talk – With kids, work and social commitments it is hard to find a point when you can just talk. Discuss your individual dreams, your future together, your sex life and anything else that occurs to you. Stick to talking about yourselves to get to know each other even better.
2. Stay open minded – Hear each other out when making decisions. Don’t just dismiss a suggestion out of hand because you don’t agree.
3. Tell the truth – Even if it hurts. You are feeling undervalued so say so. Holding it inside won’t solve the problem. Your partner can’t read your mind so they won’t know what’s wrong until you tell them.

It is not easy to stay open and honest, but it is worth the investment of time for the sake of your love.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.

-          James Baldwin

Experience Love…Everyday

What is love? This might be the most sought after answer in history? Everyone might have a slightly different perspective, but what does love entail?

The Big Three

We are not talking about Larry, Moe and Curly although you might love them. We are talking about philos, eros and agape. These refer to brotherly love, physical or erotic love and unconditional love, respectively. You may have heard the terms used before. While all love is not the same, they do share the one thing – the giving of yourself to another.

Philos – This is how you feel about someone that you are close to, like a friend. Friendships offer support and a sense of purpose. According to a study done at UCLA published in 2002 on friendships among women, friendships fill the gaps in our life and shore us up in emotionally hard times. People (men and women) with friends can cut their risk of death by 60 percent over those who have no friends to speak of.

Feelings of this type can compel someone to help a stranger in need. People rush to the aid of those trapped in a car or offer food to those who have none. Helping your fellow man because there is a human kinship also falls into this category.

Eros – When people speak of love they automatically think of this type. But, many people find these love relationships to be one of the hardest to maintain. We are so much harder on the person that we know or want to know intimately than we are on our friends or even strangers. Sometimes love can come with so many conditions: Are they tall enough thin enough, pretty enough, rich enough, influential enough, smart enough and sexy enough? We often feel inferior in these relationships because we don’t believe we measure up to preconceived standards.

Agape – A parent and a child often experience this relationship. It is the unconditional type of acceptance that we all crave from at least one person in our lives. It grounds us and can give us a sense of purpose. In essence, these connections are the “home” we can return to when things get rough.

Finding Love Everyday

To experience these types of love in your life on a regular basis, look around. Identify those who exemplify each kind for you and spend time enjoying that experience.

Spend time cuddling with your partner. Being sensual is more than just making love. It is experiencing a moment with that person using all of your senses.

Visit with a friend. Hang out and talk a bit. Share a common interest and have a good time.

Find time to spend with family each day. Kids grow up fast and will be living their lives before you know it. Get to know them and accept them for who they are.

These are just a few ways that you can love and be loved each and every day of your life.

A day without love is a day without life.

-          George Van Valkenburg

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