Pounds, Smounds – I Still Love you: A Lesson in Enduring Love

No one ever looks better than they did the first time that you fell in love. The only time that can rival that is the wedding day. But, ten or twenty years from now, can you still say, I love you?

Before you cringe, the title is just an example of what someone might say to a lover or a spouse after many years together. We are not specifically targeting weight in this post.

The point is that we have stars in our eyes when we meet the person who we choose as our mate. It’s not just because of physical appearance although that is what we see first. Personality, beliefs and actions all play a part in helping to solidify that feeling at the beginning.

But, how many of us know that true love is more than a feeling? Time and chance happen to us all and as time passes, life will happen. We will get older. Bodies will change but so will attitudes and situations in our lives. Tragedy is not an uncommon companion for many of us as we travel along in this world. Anywhere along the line, we can be changed forever.

The question is: Can your love stand the changes that will come? That will all depend on the basis of your relationship. It was once said that John Derek (film director) met and married his famous pinup wife Bo because he thought she was beautiful. But he was also known to have said that when her looks went, he would go too. He stated his truth, but we all know that looks are not enough to sustain a relationship for life. No one can stop the aging process forever.

Ingredients of an Enduring Love Relationship

Think of it as making a successful fruitcake. We know that they last for years on end so you’ll want your love to be as endurable as one of those but filled with fresh and good things so it is still appealing.

• Respect – You are individuals who have decided to live as one. But, that doesn’t negate who you are separately. Value each other’s opinions above other people outside the relationship.
• Laughter – Laughter is medicine. When we laugh, endorphins are released in the brain. These chemicals promote a feeling of positive well-being better than any supplement or drug. If you can still find something to laugh about together, you are on the right road.
• Acceptance – This doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior, but acknowledging and being realistic about the changes that can happen over time – physically, mentally and spiritually. We are not the same as we were five years ago. We evolve as experiences change.
• Intimacy – Yes, intimacy is important. If you can still desire each other and connect on that deeper level, you can weather many storms in life.
• Inner light – Have you ever looked at someone and not seen the outside but the inside of them? You have learned to see who they really are. This is the hope that we cling to when our mate gets sick or endures a tragedy that threatens to change or break their spirit.

Life and love promises us one thing: There won’t be a dull moment. Can your love stand the tests of time?

“Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.”

-          Pauline Thomason

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Be a Friend to Gain a Friend

Am I my brother’s keeper? This question has been asked throughout history. Brotherly love has always been something of a mystery. Let’s search it out.

Philos

This is the Greek word for brotherly love. This is the relationship formed between two people who care for each other deeply but there is no sexual component. But, be warned. The connection between two people in this type of relationship can be just as passionate and possibly volatile when tested.

But, we digress here. What you want to know is how to cultivate brotherly love. The relationships between siblings is the most common example of this but that is born of birth and not choice. They enhance our lives but what about when there is no blood relation? Having a group of girlfriends to share good times or going out with the guys adds value to your life.

Finding Brotherly Love

Seeking out friends is similar to finding a partner. It is highly uncommon that they will just appear on your doorstep. You have to be in the best place to find people.

First though, define the traits that you look for in a friend: kindness, level-headedness, outgoing nature, common interests. Opposites do attract but it is the things you have in common that bind you together at a deeper level. Opposition makes the relationship interesting.

What type of person are you? In order to find what you seek, you have to give off that same vibe. Sound familiar? Think of the Law of Attraction. You may not believe in it but it does have some merit. Smile; learn to carry on a conversation; learn to listen to others; be yourself.

Know if you can be a friend to others. It may take you some time if you are introverted, but you can still find good solid friends you can trust. Remember to be as discerning when choosing your friends as you are when choosing a mate. There are bad apples in every bunch.

So, how do you find these friends, given your interests and personality? You will have to put yourself out there. Unless you talk to people, you won’t get to know them. In worst cases, they could think you are standoffish and avoid you.

Here are a few places to run into your new mates:

• Work – Get to know the people you are around for most of your waking hours each day.
• Sports – Join a gym or a local athletic league to play your favorite sport and be around people with similar interests.
• Volunteer organizations – When you come together to assist others, you can develop a kinship with people who find satisfaction in doing the same.
• Church – The environment is already friendly and inviting, you just need to put yourself out there.

Brotherly love enhances your life in ways that sexual love cannot. Learn to be a friend in order to have cherished friends for life.

“But friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life; and thanks to a benevolent arrangement of things, the greater part of life is sunshine.”

-          Thomas Jefferson

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Desperate Love: Don’t settle for less

“There aren’t many more shopping days until Christmas.” “The biological clock is ticking.” “How many cats do you have?” These sayings seem unrelated, but they all have probably been said to someone who wants romantic love but just hasn’t found it yet. Don’t let others push you into a desperate love relationship.

Love is many things. It can feel like dancing on air or sinking into the darkest ocean. You can thank God one day for that person lying next to you and which you had never laid eyes on them the next. And this occurs in committed relationships!

You would think that love would be easier to find since it has so many recognizable faces. But, for some, it has become the elusive stranger who you only see in shadows but never full on.

The goading of others and our own thoughts can lead us to grab for anything that even resembles a love relationship. This is bad in so many ways.

Hold On

Isn’t it just the way that things happen? When you are denied something, you see it everywhere. It doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day for you to notice every couple on the face of the earth. It seems that love is in the air for everyone but you.

It’s enough to make you cry all the time but don’t lose hope. True love is not something you can pick up at the corner store. It takes time and the right person to make it work. A good number of those people you saw holding hands will be single again in less than a year. Everyone is not looking for a lasting relationship but you can’t tell that from watching cuddling couples on the street.

Love can elude us when we try to find it. It’s interesting but it usually sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Why?

People can tell when you are desperate. It’s like an unpleasant pheromone. Potential mates will run for cover. It’s not that they don’t like you, but desperation can send the wrong message and scare them way.

A desperate love situation can be bad for you too. People pray on those who will accept anything that looks like love so they can make a connection with someone.

Turn the Tables

Instead of desperately looking for love, cultivate the qualities in yourself that you want in a potential mate. Sometimes, the best course is to ignore your heart’s longings and learn to love yourself first.

This seems like a trivial point but consider the Law of Attraction for a moment. You attract to you what you give off. If you are stingy or mean, you will attract the same kinds of people. If you want love, learn to show love for yourself.

Work to stretch yourself. Become emotionally available if you are not already. Learn to be social and get comfortable with yourself for who you are. When you like who you are, others will too. And, you want to find someone who loves you for you.

Love will find you one day. In the meantime, love on yourself.

“Be careful what you set your heart upon – for it will surely be yours.”

-          James A. Baldwin

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I’m so glad we had this time together

Carol Burnett always ended her show in that lyrical, graceful way. If you have decided to end your current relationship, can you do the same? They say that love means never having to say you’re sorry, but you might have to give an explanation.

What has brought you to this point?

In many relationships a breakup can come as a surprise. You think everything is okay and then the other person drops the bomb. Sound familiar? Unfortunately, this is a common tactic used by men when they want to upgrade to a newer model. But don’t think that women can’t also employ such if they feel they can get away with it.

But, typically, people who love each other want to make a better break than that when the situation warrants it. Even in love, things can run their course. Getting out of a hard relationship is not always as easy as falling into one.

Guys – Keep it Personal

This is for the men who are notorious for trying to remain aloof as they say good-bye to their current love. Technology is a wonderful thing in many respects but it should not be used to end something that was once so personal.

The experts say that verbal communication is only about 7 percent of the equation. That still leaves about 93 percent that comes from somewhere else – mostly body language. It can be hard to portray this over the phone or in a text message. You can try to read tone of voice but even that can be misinterpreted.

If you really care about this person whom you say you love, show them the dignity they have earned by showing up and facing the situation together. There will be questions and may be some tears but it needs to be done. Now you can make a clean break with no misinterpretations or regrets.

Girls – Say What you Have to Say

As women, we are often more sentimental in relationships. We try to prolong things by fudging over what we want to say. Before you meet for the “big talk” get yourself together. Stick to your guns if you really feel that the love is gone.

Some say that departing the relationship where you began it is therapeutic. For women, this may be just the ticket to give you the strength to see this thing through. Above all, keep your self-respect. Your mate may try to persuade you to change your mind, but don’t lose your resolve.

Avoid assigning blame. This can inflame a bad situation. Make eye contact as you say what you need to say to make your position plain. Don’t mix signals. Touching and caressing (even just hands) can confuse what you are saying.

Ending love is an intensely personal situation. It can’t be handled properly over the phone or with a text message. Leave on a good note so you both have a positive outlook on future relationships.

“If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go.”

-          Source Unknown

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Sex or Intimacy: Which would you choose?

Sorry, but the title is a bit misleading. You can have them both, but do you know the difference between the two because there definitely is one. And if you haven’t realized that yet, you are truly missing out.

A Manner of Speaking

When we think of sex, we speak of it in terms of making love. Many have debated whether they are having sex or making love. It may seem like simple semantics but perception is a large part of how we live our lives. Sex is imagined as base and primal. If you are ripping each other’s clothing off then you are having sex. Or, if you are prone to casual relationships, it is sex.

On the other hand, making love is referenced in committed relationships. There is another component at work besides just physical attraction. A deeper connection seems to be the difference in the same action between a man and a woman. Maybe more deliberate movements and a gentler caress are also involved.

Anyway, we said all of that to show that perception is a big part of love and the mechanics of expressing it. So, we know, more or less, what it means to have sex. It is a physical action that involves hormones and a bodily response to your attraction for this person.

Intimacy: Yes or No?

Now it’s time for something different. Many couples don’t explore intimacy because they aren’t sure what it is or involves. It incorporates more than sex.

Think of it as the difference between relaxation techniques and enlightened meditation. You reap the benefits of meditation such as lowered blood pressure and a calmer mind under stressful situations. But, with enlightened meditative techniques, you are transported to another plane of consciousness. The mind and body becomes one. In Sanskrit, it is referred to as prana. The spirit and breath unite.

So it is with intimacy. You are getting to know your partner and excite them in ways you never knew existed or could matter. For instance, surveys have shown that men will not turn down sex no matter how tired or irritable they may feel. It is more of a physical response for them. That is biological. For women, we need an emotional connection to get the body to respond in kind.

Intimacy takes both people to a different level so that both are united in body and mind for a better sexual experience. It involves many other components besides the actual physical act. Intimacy involves sensuality – turning any moment into an erotic encounter. It doesn’t have to lead to sex right away but sets the groundwork for it more often.

Heard of the Kama Sutra? Intimate moments involve light caresses, eating in a sensual way, massaging your partner, soft whispers in the ear, smells and even the way you talk to each other. A strong gaze can be sensual even.

There are levels that couples can reach that they didn’t even know were possible. And, all before the physical act ever takes place. Sex and intimacy: Learn the difference and then embrace them both.

“So enjoy present pleasures as to not mar those to come.”

-          Seneca

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