Is this the Beginning or the End? Let’s Talk about Dating

There are many ways to date these days: speed dating, online dating, blind dating and the old-fashioned way of “by chance” dating. But, how can you increase your chances of the first meeting being the beginning of something new and not the end of an already doomed encounter? If you’re lost, we’ll help you out.

“My name is ____.”

First dates can be awkward, but so can second and third if one person feels a connection that the other can’t find. Dating in and of itself hadn’t changed much over the years, just the method by which people are meeting each other. Busy schedules, children and other responsibilities have necessitated the need to “think outside the box” when it comes to meeting the love of your life.

Have you often heard couple’s say that they didn’t like each other at first? It can happen. But, there is also something that makes you come back to that person and form a lasting bond. The trouble today is that many people don’t have or make the time to take a second look at someone who didn’t make a good first impression.

You can try and avoid that with a few tips to always be ready if a person of interest enters your field of view.

Successful Date – check!

1. Look your best – Some partners complain that the other stops caring about the way they look after the first few dates. Make it a practice to take pride in your dress. It can lift your attitude and confidence and catch the eye of the person you want to go out with.
2. Have fun – Choose a location for a date that will inspire you to have a good time. Tradition says go out to eat or to a movie, but if that is not your speed, suggest another venue and activity for the evening. As a matter of fact, try an afternoon outing instead.
3. Be honest – This trait is often lost on online dating candidates. Don’t think that a prospective date won’t spot you a mile away as not matching your picture and turn tale and run. Honesty goes a long way throughout a relationship, but especially at the beginning. You can find out if you are really going to be compatible on a basic level before your heart gets involved.
4. Be open to new things – Dating is about exploring new relationships and finding out about yourself. We are not talking about going against your ethics, just broadening your horizons.
5. Stay positive – Every moment of a date won’t be wine and roses. But, don’t let that sour your mood for the rest of the evening. Keep working to see the upside of the situation, if you can.
6. Stay safe – Always meet in a neutral location. You are interested in this person but you don’t know them yet.

Dating can be a wondrous adventure if you stay open and honest.

“Come live with me and be my love, and we will some new pleasures prove, of golden sands, and crystal beaches, with silken lines and silver hooks…”

-          John Gregory Dunne

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Iceberg Right Ahead: Handling Disagreements in Relationships

If you live long enough, you will have a disagreement with someone that you love. Specifically, we’re talking about romantic relationships here. Keep the fighting “above the belt” if you want to preserve the relationship.

What is it about humans and fighting? As far back as Homer’s Iliad (8^th century B.C.), humans have been engaging in pugilism (boxing, to us modern-day folks). They were contests meant to test strength, honor and ability. It was high fashion to be a fighter in the arena.

It seems that many relationships have adopted that same concept: to the victor go the spoils. But, what are the spoils when you fight with your partner or spouse? In fact, everybody loses, especially if the fight is not on the level. There are places where fighting is not a good thing, and a disagreement between couples is one of them.

Danger Ahead

As the title implies, you could be heading for disaster if you treat your disagreements like prize fights. It is not a battle to the death or a championship bout. Both of you still have to function together as a couple after each conflict.

Many couples set themselves up for danger with preconceived notions. We’ve all had them: “I can love him enough to change him,” “We’ll never have a fight if we love each other.” Sound familiar?

Here’s a newsflash: Conflict is a part of life and it will be a part of your relationship. Thinking anything to the contrary can leave you feeling blindsided when the first harsh word comes out of your partner’s mouth. After the shock wears off you’ll be ready to fight. And, we all know how that will end: one person crying and hurt; one person brutally victorious.
When you start slinging mud, it’s bound to go everywhere and splatter everyone. Once those harsh words are spoken, there is no way to retrieve them. They have been heard and felt. It could be a deal-breaker in the end for your relationship. Does that sound like love or fair fighting to you?

Stay above the Belt

Disagreements will occur, so plan for them.

1.      Know your partner – Each of us has individual quirks that drive our partner crazy. Know what they are and address them when they become a problem.

2.      State your case clearly – If you feel like there is an issue with something your partner has said or done, let them know as soon as you can. Waiting only encourages more harsh feelings than there needs to be. Also, use words like “I” and “me” instead of making general sweeping statements about your partner that are derogatory and don’t get at the heart of the dilemma.

3.      Talk about what is really going on – Have you ever noticed that some fights degenerate quickly into past history? If you are arguing about a recent purchase, don’t drag last year’s financial troubles into the conversation. That should have been resolved then. Now, it only muddies the waters.

4.      Conclude it – Come to a conclusion and leave it at that. Don’t bring it up later.

Disagreements in a relationship can leave everyone feeling a bit frosty at times. Use fair tactics to end an argument amicably.

“Pleasure that is obtained by unreasonable and unsuitable cost, must always end in pain.”

-          Samuel Johnson
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Love, Honor & Cherish: Honor?

Marriage vows are thought to be sacred, but that is of no consequence if you don’t apply their meaning in your relationship. So, what does it mean to “honor” your spouse and are you doing it right now?

Honor?

The word comes from the Latin, “honos” or honoris,” meaning a quality of worthiness and respectability exemplified by someone. You mostly hear it mentioned in conjunction with military service. A person who is honorable is often viewed as above reproach, trustworthy, faithful and just in all respects. It is only an ideal and one that is often hard to live up to. It can describe fairness and honesty when dealing with others.

It is that last line that interests us as we discuss marriage. Many of us have never thought too much about how we would honor our spouse. Mostly it’s because that was part of the line in our vows that we didn’t make up or ask to be included. Still, it is there for some reason. It must be important to relationships.

Honor is often like integrity: the measure of it is best seen in what you do when no one is looking. With honor, it’s seen when your spouse isn’t around.

Ways to Honor your Spouse

We want you to make good on that vow you made. So here are some suggestions for ways to do just that.

1. Speak well of your spouse in public – Don’t say anything about your spouse that you wouldn’t say to their face. For instance, talking to a colleague you may remark, “My husband can’t fix a toilet to save his life.” It seems like a harmless statement, but how would your spouse respond if he heard it? Usually people are saying much worse or more embarrassing things about their significant others. Any faults should remain between you and your spouse. Remember they are not the only one who has some.
2. Speak truth to your spouse – If you have a concern about something, tell your spouse the truth. There is a way you can say things, that reflects tact tempered with love. But, don’t sugar-coat your words.
3. Consider your spouse’s opinion – When making decisions, consider what your spouse has to say. They are the other half of your partnership. Show that you value their opinion.
4. Respect your spouse – Have you ever seen a friend speak rudely to another friend’s wife or husband without a word being said to counter it? Your spouse is a part of you. Demand respect from your friends and others when it comes to how they speak to and about your spouse.
5. Show gratitude – Just because they are your spouse doesn’t mean they don’t want to be thanked for what they do for you. Thank them in word and deed privately, plus affirming them in front of others.

Treat your spouse as you would want others to treat them.

“Love is a fabric that never fades, no matter how often it is washed in the water of adversity and grief.”

-          Source Unknown

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Love, Honor & Cherish: Cherish?

Some vows say “cherish” and some say “obey”. They are just words until you act on them. Before you say them, we are going to help you know what they mean. If you have already said them, you can learn how to live up to the oath you took.

When you cherish something you usually set it in high regard. We cherish our prized possessions. For some men, it’s their car. You keep it looking good and take care of it. Whenever anyone else is around it, you make sure they know how you like it cared for.

People cherish many things in life, but many are inanimate objects. What about cherishing people? That is what wedding vows are asking you to do. In this day and age, the word may be outdated but the sentiment is not.

Treat each like you want to be treated

The Bible had it right. One of God’s greatest commandments, mentioned in St. Matthew 22: 39, is to love others as you love yourself. In the sanctity of marriage that means treating your spouse as you treat yourself.

So then, cherishing your spouse is a direct reflection of how you feel about yourself. If there are issues with where you stand in your relationship, take a look within. How are you treating your spouse? Often, if we don’t feel “cherished” we won’t likely show our spouse that level of respect.

It all starts with you. Put the shoe on the other foot. Can you honestly say that you would be happy if you were talked to or shown appreciation the same way that you demonstrate it to your spouse? If the answer is no, then you have some soul searching to do.

Many couples take each other for granted and that leads to hard feelings that turn to granite over time. Cherishing another is not about giving them material things but about the actions you perform that money can’t buy.

Cherishing your Spouse

1. See the bigger picture – We can all say things out of anger or annoyance from time to time. Maybe you snap at your spouse because you’ve had a bad day at work. Instead of snapping back, ask what the problem could be since the action is probably uncharacteristic for your husband or wife. That can lead to a healthy discussion about what is truly wrong instead of a shouting match about the snapping incident.
2. Reduce temptation – Whatever it may be – financial, sexual or otherwise – you are less motivated to give in when you think of the feelings of your spouse. You may also be less tempted to deal dishonestly with your spouse when you hold them in high regard.
3. Nurture them – Nurture can go a long way to improving the life of a person. You can nurture their interests to help them grow in social ways and in their career. It brings about mutual growth in a relationship to know that your partner believes and is willing to support you.

Cherishing your spouse involves giving them what they need to survive and thrive.

“Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.”

-          Sarah Bernhardt

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