The Reason for Girlfriends: The Role of “Gal Pals” in your Life

Having girlfriends can enhance your life. We are not talking about a man with many female partners, but women who have other female friends in their life. If you don’t have a lot of friends, there are ways to find more.

The Love Factor

There are three types of love. We’ve discussed them before: Eros, philos and agape. Brotherly love is represented by philos. It is essential to mankind that we be “brothers in arms.”

Friendships can last longer than relationships because they are built on different parameters than a love relationship. For instance, a friend is often seen for who they are and not who we want them to be, unlike a love interest. Friends are also varied in their character traits. A wide variety of people around you can broaden your ideals about life.

A friendship can develop into a bond that can sustain you through a lot of life circumstances. Friends usually know more about us than anyone else. And they meet a need in our lives at different times.

A study conducted at the Center for Aging Studies at Flinders University, Australia, alludes to the fact that people who have a large number of friends live about 22 percent longer than those who don’t. Having a social support system that includes friends can increase survival rates when faced with conditions like cancer. A 1989 Stanford University study showed that women suffering from breast cancer lived almost twice as long as those who didn’t engage in social activities with others.

Finding Gal Pals

How can you find more girlfriends to hang around with? Here are a few suggestions for you.

• Church – Get involved in women’s groups, the choir and volunteer for other duties to meet new people.
• School – Many lasting friendships are made at college. Keep in touch with the girls you connect with here.
• Volunteer work – Get out in the community and meet other women who are helping to do the most good.
• Work – Is there anyone you are close to here? Consider meeting socially to get to know each other.

Reasons to Have Girlfriends

Gather ‘round. Or rather, gather your friends around and see how much better they make you feel.

1. Confidante – Girlfriends can share their most intimate secrets and find acceptance.
2. Advice – This extends from fashion to relationships. A true girlfriend will tell you what you need to hear and not what you want to hear.
3. Motivators – Friends can give you that boost you need to start a new self-improvement project or make a change in your life.
4. Love and support – When you need a shoulder to cry on, they are there for you. That talk in the middle of the night on the phone or a meeting for lunch can make all the difference when you are hurting.
5. Laughter – It truly is the best medicine. And when you can talk over old times and make new memories, you can live a little freer.

Girlfriends remind us who we are and also help us become who we’ve always wanted to be.

“Our friends interpret the world and ourselves to us, if we take them tenderly and truly.”

            -Amos Bronson Alcott

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Over There! Over There! – Surviving a Military Relationship

In wartime and peace, military personnel protect and defend our country on these shores as well as in foreign locations. While we are grateful for their service, it can be a long and hard wait for their loved ones at home. Maintaining a military relationship is not easy.

There have been wars across the globe throughout the 20^th century. Recently, the war in Iraq and deployments to neighboring countries has left many military families without one or both partners.

With the growth of technology, long distance relationships are on the rise. In 2005 alone, as many as 3.5 million people in the U.S. were involved in them. And this was usually due to the circumstances of the couple getting together: meeting at university, on vacation or at out-of-town meetings for work. About one-third of that number included military deployments. In more recent years, that number is probably higher.

All of this means that people are learning to live and love better at greater distances. But, what makes a military relationship different? For one, the distance is dictated by work but often in dangerous areas and with limited communication. And, it can last for a year or more.

Life doesn’t stop for military families. They have the same issues as regular families: bills, medical care, child care and the daily grind, but without the help of their partner. In many cases, the military pay isn’t all that great and spouses have to work and take care of the family. It can be a hectic life.

Keeping the Home Fires Burning

It won’t be easy, but military couples can make their relationship work with a lot of help and strength.

1. Have a strong support system – If you live in off-base housing, it can get lonely if you are in an area with no family around to help. It is a plus, but if not, join local groups for military spouses. Form a network that can benefit everyone involved as a way to vent your frustrations but also to assist each other when you need it. It may be worth considering a move closer to your family while your spouse is away.
2. Talk to your spouse or partner as often as you can – Use the telephone, video conferencing and email. When you just want to see their face, a video link can satisfy your need to make sure they are okay.
3. Deal with your feelings – It’s easy to blame your spouse for being away and then feeling guilty for doing so. Instead, find ways to relieve your stress like exercise, a movie or even daily meditation.
4. Visit when you can – This can be a goal to look forward to. All of your hard work will be rewarded when they come home, but a surprise visit in the interim can be icing on the cake.
5. Stay involved with others – Widen your circle of support and friends through volunteer work and church activities. It can keep your mind off of the distance.

Mutual love and trust can be bolstered by the above advice to help your military relationship stand the test of time.

“Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.”

-          Benjamin Franklin

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Reading your Partner’s Body Language

Sometimes, the impression you give has more to do with what you don’t say than what you do say. Body language is an important part of the cues we give each other as couples. Tuning in to the way the other moves, can help you head off a lot of problems early on.

What is he/she really saying?

In order to know how to respond to your partner it is necessary to know a little about body language. Often we are slow to voice our feelings, especially men. But, it is not weakness to express how you feel to the one you love. Besides, body language can help you gain brownie points with your spouse. Here’s how:

• Noticing her chilly reception, can prompt a male partner to ask how her day went and offer to listen if something is wrong.
• When he sits on the other end of the couch, a female partner can ask him if something is wrong or what she can do to make him feel better.

It’s nice to have someone “sense” your mood without having to tell them that something is wrong. It can even be seen as a sign that you are getting to know each other pretty well. Partners appreciate that kind of attention.

So, let’s get down to it. What are some of the signs that things are not as they seem?

Body Language Hints

1. Crossed arms – This is a classic sign that you are closing yourself off from others. It doesn’t have to be something that they have done. Maybe you are not ready to speak about a certain topic. Your partner can respond by tabling the discussion until later. On a first date, the other person could be protecting themselves emotionally until they are sure you are right for them.
2. Sitting posture – When you are listening or talking to someone, it is normal to sit with your knees and legs facing the person. If the other person is distracted or not interested, they will turn their body away.
3. Head and eye movement – This is one that people always talk about. We want you to get it right. When you ask someone a question, they may look up and to the right or up and to the left. According to scientists, looking up and to the right signals that the person is recalling a past memory. Looking up and to the left signifies that they are lying; in effect, making up the response they are about to tell you. Also, answering someone with your head hung low and eyes averted could signal a measure of guilt, lack of confidence or fear concerning the topic you are discussing.
4. Rigidity – When a person goes stiff when you hold their hand or try to hug them, they don’t particularly want to be touched at that time for whatever reason. Follow the action up with discussion about what the problem might be.

Even if we don’t voice how we are feeling, the body says it all.

“She walks in Beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies,

And all that’s best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes…”

-          Lord Byron


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Love, Honor & Cherish: Love?

We use these words in our wedding vows but do we really know what they mean? Love is a many-splendored thing, but how can you convey it for a lifetime to your spouse?

Love and all its funny affects

What is love really? People have written about it in poems, plays and novels. Usually it is expressed as a feeling. Unfortunately, it is that feeling that has led to many misunderstandings about love.

Just think about the differences between a younger couple and an older one. A younger couple might listen to some of the stories from the older two and scoff. “I’d never stay around if that happened.” “That’s not really love.”

We all have preconceived notions about what constitutes love and marriage. And, we vehemently stick to them no matter what anyone else says. Often, it is these same notions that can end the relationship as well unless you widen your view of love.

Couples that have been and still are in love after many years will likely tell you that it is not about the feeling but what it compels you to do. The feeling is just the beginning of your existence together. True love is a choice.

Honoring that choice means a lot of things. You will invest time in making the relationship what you both want it to be. This can mean putting the needs of your spouse before your own as well as making sacrifices. That line in the vows, “for better or for worse; for richer or poorer; in sickness and in health” can be a doozy.

The Testament of Love

The testament of love is in the “test” that it is often put through in a marriage. Throughout it all, try to remind each other that you are still there. How do you show your love for your partner?

1. Tell them – Words are highly useful and underrated. Just saying “I love you” each day and meaning it can help your partner bear the weight of whatever they face outside your door.
2. Speak their language – According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages. Learn the one that pertains to your spouse and use it. As you show love to them, it will encourage them to also discover and use your chosen way of feeling appreciated. 
3. Spend time with them – A “disconnect” can occur when we spend time with everyone and everything else but our spouse. Snuggle on the couch and watch a movie; take a shower together; cook dinner together or take a walk together. Small moments add up to big feelings.
4. Speak the truth in love – Your opinion carries a lot of weight with your spouse. Use your words wisely and not to hurt but uplift.

There is more to “love” than just a feeling.

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.”

-          Franklin Jones

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