After I focused my last couple of blog entries on electronic communication between romantically involved couples, I feel compelled to write about the importance of communicating with each other without those forms of convenience . . . with real conversation between two people. As I mentioned, I met my soul mate via email, and I feel
gr8ful every day to have him in my life. However, if we would have continued to make electronic communication the foremost way we spoke to each other, I have no doubt we would be in a very different place today than we find ourselves. Everyone has heard that communication is one of the keys to a successful, strong, happy relationship. However, there is a big difference between chatting and deep and meaningful communication. You can talk to your partner all day and never really say anything that will help your relationship; this is sometimes referred to as “idle-chit-chat.” On the other hand, if you communicate in an effective way with your partner, it can make your relationship stronger and help you feel more in tune with what is happening in your partner’s life. According to helpguide.org, a “trusted non-profit resource” for challenges in life, “when people stop communicating well [in relationships,] they stop relating well, and times of change or stress can really bring out disconnect. As long as you are communicating, you can work through whatever problem you’re facing.”It is important to note that even when you are talking to each other that men and women still communicate differently, so it is really important to be sure that you know what your partner means by what he or she says. After you have been together for a while, you begin to know your partner well enough to understand what they are thinking or what exactly they mean when they say something, but make sure that you are really listening to and understanding what they are saying instead of assuming you know what they are talking about when you might be a bit confused. In other words be sure to clarify when you aren’t clear. This could mean the difference between a really interesting conversation and a disagreement. During a discussion with your partner, it is much more important to listen than it is to talk. The more you listen, the more you will learn, and the more your partner will feel cherished.
When two people don’t communicate effectively, there can be some really negative consequences including withdrawing from each other, saying things you don’t mean, and eventually separating if the issues aren’t resolved. I want better than that for you, so please keep a few things in mind when you are talking to your partner. It can be difficult to discuss important issues such as money with your partner, but if you want to find a resolution for your relationship issues, it is very important to keep talking when you want to stop the most. Also, remain respectful of each other. Even though you might not be seeing eye to eye on something, only say things that you will not regret later. When he asks you if you want to break up, you might hope you never see him again at that particular moment, but in two hours you will definitely change your mind, so be careful that something you say now won’t be something you regret later. Next, what is in the past must stay in the past. Something that your girlfriend did six months ago is not a subject that you should bring up again during a discussion today, particularly if she was under the impression that it had been discussed and solved. Finally, be fair to your partner. Say things that won’t hurt him or her. When you are very familiar with someone, it becomes really easy to push their buttons and say things that you know will be upsetting to them. Please do your best to avoid this; because if you avoid it today, it will keep feelings from being hurt, and your partner might choose to do the same in the future, sparing you both some hurt feelings.
I don’t want this blog to sound like it is all about disagreements. Far from it! My main goal in writing this entry was to help you have meaningful conversations with your partner. So what is the key to having meaningful conversation with your partner? Honesty, of course. When I say honesty, I don’t mean “Honey, does my butt look fat in these pants?” honesty, I mean honesty about your feelings, hopes, dreams, goals, and mostly who you are. Do you remember the movie Can’t Buy Me Love with Patrick Dempsey? The main character, Cindy Mancini, couldn’t talk to Ronald Miller despite being one of his close friends when they were younger because once they got to high school she was “Miss Popularity.” Associating with someone like Ronald wouldn’t have been good for her image. Well, when he offered to pay her $1000 to date him for one month, he suddenly became good enough, at least to pretend to date. Over the month, of course, they fell in love, but neither of them was honest enough to tell the other. A lot of chaos and trouble ensued that could have been avoided if they were just honest about their feelings and who they were all along.
This might seem like a strange movie to demonstrate the importance of honesty, but lying about who they were inside is what got Cindy and Ronald in trouble in the first place. If they would have been honest from the beginning, they would have all been friends, and no one’s feelings would have been hurt. That is why it is important that you are honest about your true self from the beginning of a relationship. Don’t try to be someone you are not just to please your partner (or anyone else, for that matter.) If you are meant to be with someone, they will love you whether you would rather spend your Sundays watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians” reruns or watching football or hiking. You owe it to yourself to be who you are; you won’t be happy being anyone else. According to California State University at Long Beach’s Health Resource Center, people in relationships must “be capable of feeling confident, [honest], direct, and clear when discussing realities about their past, present, and future. If one cannot share ideas about themselves with their partner, they are not allowing themselves to heal, get closer, or make a real commitment.”
Over the past several days, I have written a lot about communication. It is obviously very important in any relationship, and if it were easy, there would be no reason to talk about it so much. It takes effort to be successful at communicating via any medium, but it will be in your best interest to make the effort. I hope you see the fruits of your labors, and you have a relationship to be gr8ful for every day.
The less you open your heart to others, the more your heart suffers.
Deepak Chopra
We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.
12 comments:
I still believe that honesty is the best policy. I agree that there has to be honest feelings expressed to one another if the relationship is going to be a lasting one. You bring forth much insight with this post and I thank you for writing it. Have a blessed week!
Hi Kim, I just wanted to share a little trick I have used when I am trying to remember to communicate fairly during a disagreement with my fiancé. Sometimes it is really hard to bite your tongue during a fight when you are in a heated discussion and you come up with a really good comeback and the person you are fighting with is saying some really mean things. This often seems to be the case at this point in my relationship, but I am determined to help both my fiancé and I learn to fight fair. I must say, I have often failed in the past, and we have said some really mean things to each other, but I read something somewhere about fighting fair and tried to think about how I could keep myself from saying things I shouldn’t. I still fail on occasion, but I really do try to be nice. I don’t think anyone is perfect and can’t be expected to say exactly the right thing every time, but I do try. The trick I use is, I try to imagine what I would say if my mom or his mom were in the room with us. I most generally fight fair when I use that trick. There are definitely things that go through my head that I should never ever say because as you say, I won’t mean them in two hours. If I can collect my thoughts enough when a disagreement begins to picture one of our parents in the room with us, I can usually fight really fairly. As I mentioned, sometimes I fail, and it is after those disagreements that I inevitably have something to apologize for. When that happens, I feel worse after the argument than I do during it, so I have really made a habit of trying to be fair. I have even shared this idea with my fiancé, but he isn’t quite on board yet. It’s hard to say things that hit below the belt so to speak when the person you are disagreeing with is fighting fair. We fought very unfairly for three years before I started this approach, so I expect that it will take some time before my fiancé starts to change his ways. I am very confident that he will though, when he realizes that he doesn’t have to say mean things to get his way in an argument.
Deb Jackson
Hello, I read this blog hoping to find out how to get my husband to open up to me. I hope you can help me further. I talk to him and share my feelings with him all the time, but he seems to always be closed for business. Honestly, I don’t know how I ever learned enough about him to marry him. We have never had a really open line of communication, he is not a man of many words, but I find that even when something is really important to me, I can’t get more than a one word response. I guess I always thought things would change over time and they haven’t. When I ask him why he won’t talk to me, he says that he gets tired of talking ALL THE TIME. The thing is, I do all of the talking and he might be listening, I really don’t know because he never responds. WE are never talking; it is just me waiting for him to respond. I often wonder if I talk too much, but I have tried to be silent, and he still doesn’t talk, and what’s worse, he doesn’t ask why I’m silent. I am starting to wonder if I can live the rest of my life virtually alone, talking to myself all day. I always swore that I would never get a divorce, but I don’t want my daughter growing up watching my relationship with her father and thinking that it is some sort of ideal. I certainly want better for her. Is it too much to ask to get a response other than “whatever” when I ask him what he wants for dinner, how his day went, whether he would like to see a movie, what he wants to get his mother for Christmas, and on and on? I feel like I live with one of those birds that is only trained to say three phrases. Grrr! What can I do?
Hi Marty, first of all, don’t give up! It is clear to me that you are having a tough time communicating with your husband. You say that your relationship has always been this way. I am concerned for you. I would like you to try a couple of things. First, remember what it was like when you first met your husband. What made you fall in love with him? Some of those same qualities must still be inside him and appealing to you. It is really true that life changes, and when a couple has children, their communication tends to change dramatically. It is very important, especially if your daughter is little, to take time to recapture what you had before you had her. Of course she is a blessing, but it is sometimes tough to remember what you had as a couple before your lives were centered on your children. As I have mentioned before, spend some time alone together even if it is just going out for dinner for two hours. Hopefully in two hours you can both tune out the things that distract you every day and have a conversation.
Is there anything that your husband likes to do? Does he listen to music, watch football, read books, hike, bike, run, etc.? Ask him a question about something he likes and try to get him talking. If you are successful in that, it might be easier to move the conversation to more personal relationship topics.
The next thing I would like you to try is to ask him what you can do to get him to talk to you, and then wait. He may not respond right away. If he doesn’t, tell him to think about it, and when he has an answer to let you know. Hopefully he will do so. If you wait for a few days and he still hasn’t responded, ask him in a kind voice if he has given any thought to your question. During the time you spend waiting, remember to be gr8ful for what you have. Many people overlook life’s little joys because of the problems life throws their way. If people learn to have an “attitude of gratitude” life’s problems become much easier to bear. Keep in mind that when you ask if he has a response to your question, he may not. DON’T LET THIS DISCOURAGE YOU! If he has no response, then continue to wait, show interest in what he likes, ask him questions that have to do with his likes, and I think he will begin talking to you. It might take some time before you can get to a point that will allow you to have the deep, meaningful conversations that you are craving, but with patience and (maybe a lot) of effort, I have no doubt that you can do it!!
~Kim~
Hi I'm KAren!
It is really funny that I read this blog today, because it made me think of how sometimes there are people who are in a relationship that is a train wreck coming from day one, and there is nothing we can do to stop it despite telling our friends (in a kind and supportive way, of course) that they need to cut ties. I have a friend who is in train wreck number three (that I know of) right now, and I don’t know if they ever have a meaningful conversation. Her boyfriend has other girls over at his house all the time, and instead of talking to each other like civil adults, they wait until they have both been consuming some sort of inhibition-altering substance, and then they fight. I think she could be the poster child for what not to do as well as what not to put up with in a relationship. The thing is, I have told her and told her in each of these relationships that she could do better. It doesn’t take a scientist to determine that neither of them is healthy for the other.
I just don’t understand; my friend is kind and generous, and she is cute. She seems to be a loser magnet. I do my best to help her through these situations, but when I hear the same story for the thirteenth time, it is a bit frustrating. Today I put it to her in plain terms. I said “He has hit you, he is likely cheating on you, he never wants to spend time alone with you, you never have sex, he isn’t willing to listen to your concerns, he doesn’t care about how much some of his emotional behaviors hurt you, and you have somewhere you can go. So GO! Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and run, don’t walk. She didn’t seem to hear me, because soon after that she left for a fantasy football league draft at his house. I know my approach may not be the healthiest most supportive way I could have handled the situation, but I have tried being the silent, supportive friend, and that doesn’t work either.
It is so obvious from the outside that the two of them don’t communicate on any meaningful level, and that they both seem willing to live with that. I wonder why so many people are okay with relationships of this nature?
Just as the text messaging and email blog were, this entry was also close to my heart. It seems that no matter how much you work at it, communication is never what you want it to be. My husband and I are on pretty good terms, but we have a bit of a chasm between us when it comes to communication. I feel like in some cases he has no idea who I am, and in other cases I can’t be who I am because the real me is not who he wants. We tend to be a little bit like oil and vinegar; we are two VERY different people. I have recently come to the conclusion that things won’t ever be fabulous between us, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting them to be. I can relate with Marty in that my husband is a man of few words, and I can’t really get him to talk to me. When he does talk, I always feel like he is holding something back. I think I pretend in some cases to be different than I am because I think that I would be a better person if I was different. This begs the question, who are we really, and how much does everyone pretend? Are we ever really real with everyone or is there a little bit of Cindy Mancini or a little bit of Ronald Miller in all of us? I believe there is, and I don’t think it is our significant others that make us only partly real. I think that the pressure that society puts on people to be a certain way is more to blame. In his heart of hearts, my husband might know just who I am and choose to ignore it, or choose to make me feel badly about it because that particular facet of my personality doesn’t fit the idea that society has convinced him that his wife should be. Before communication can improve completely for society as whole, incidents that are sensationalized in today’s media (like Chris Brown and Rihanna or Charlie Sheen and all of the women he has abused) have to be stopped. It will only be then that healthy, fair communication will be the ideal that people feel they should live up to.
The importance of talking to a person face-to-face can never be replaced by the convenience of technology. Seeing a person's reactions, smiles, and gestures is still better that merely hearing someone's voice. Relationships need these kinds of interactions.
Hi Kim, I am all about open and honest communication, and I am honest with my girlfriend almost always. However, there is something in my past that I feel would hurt her more than help her if she knew, and I don’t know how to reconcile my feelings of guilt about not telling her with the feelings of guilt I would have if I told her. When I was a teenager, I had a serious girlfriend, and we were planning to get married. Well, she ended up pregnant, and we made the decision for her to have an abortion. I have lived with guilt ever since we made the decision. I wonder what would have happened if we would have had that baby. I am quite sure we would not be together today, and I am meant to be with the girl I am now with. But what would my son or daughter have been like? Would they have looked like me? Would they have had her eyes or nose?
The trouble is that my new girlfriend is Catholic and completely against abortion which I completely respect. If the same thing were to happen today and she was pregnant, I would never even consider abortion, and I didn’t really want to back then either, but I understood the reasoning behind my ex’s opinions, and agreed with her that abortion would be best. I don’t think my new girlfriend would break up with me if she knew, but I do know that she would be deeply hurt. I am committed to my decision not to tell her. There is no way she will find out; my family doesn’t know, and we live on a different continent than my ex, so I feel guilty, but I know I am making the right decision.
I just wanted to throw in my two cents and say that sometimes it is better not to tell because you could do more harm than good. Thank you.
I for one think all the communication has gone. I often hear it said “I don’t know what I did before I had my cell phone or computer, or whatever.” I know what you did, you talked. Before you had cell phones and computers and Tivo and Kindles and movies on demand and you could travel across the country in four hours, you spent those lost hours together and you talked. Talked about the weather, talked about the news, talked about what your neighbors were doing, talked about the bills, whatever! When you don’t have anything else to do, you talk. Isn’t that sad? What has this world come to?
As much as I dislike reality TV, there is one thing that I find interesting about shows like Big Brother and Survivor. They don’t have any of the technology we are “blessed” with today while they are on those shows, and they talk. They might be playing a game of pool, or soaking in a hot tub, or on the beach, but they talk, and they get to know each other. By the time those shows are finished (in less than a month and a half) they know each other very well. They know all about each other’s families and friends, their likes and dislikes, basically anything to do with each other’s lives.
Even though these shows are part of the growing personal communication problem in this world (or should I say lack of personal communication,) watching them interact with each other is an eye-opening thing if you are looking for it. I have pretty much outlawed TV in my house on school nights, but that is mostly for homework purposes. Now I am thinking that we should outlaw it altogether because we might actually get to know each other. Isn’t that a novel idea?
Thank you, Kim! I just had to respond and say that I have been in relationships that reflect both ends of the spectrum that has been described. I had a relationship about seven years ago in which there was no communication. Whenever we talked about anything serious, it ended up being a screaming match in which we both said unfair things that couldn’t be taken back. After a while we were both irretrievably broken, and we had to break up before we broke each other anymore. I came out of this relationship crushed, but I have found something that is so much better than what I had before. I don’t have any ill will toward my ex-boyfriend, but I am so much happier now that I have found someone that is as excited about me as I am about him. We still stay up talking all night sometimes, and we have been together almost five years.
After my last relationship ended, I went to counseling for a long time and learned about communicating fairly and giving your partner what they need and asking for what you need. It helps to have something in common with your partner as well, but as long as you are willing to try new things, you really don’t even need that because you can become interested in things that your new partner likes, and they can do the same for you. It really is true that communication is the key to a good relationship.
Communication is important. The way to keep in touch with the people you know especially when they are far away. To be honest and true to your self will surely set you free, but sometimes we need not to tell all if it is for the sake of goodness.
Hi. I just finished reading your blog, and I have a question. You mention that you shouldn’t bring up things that have been hashed over and resolved in the past because it isn’t fair to your partner who thought the issue was resolved. What should I do about an issue that has been hashed over and resolved but is still a problem. My boyfriend and I have had problems in the past because he doesn’t help me around the house…at all. We talked about it and decided that we would make a list of chores and split them up in a way that was acceptable to both of us. For a while things were good, he was doing his chores, and I was doing mine, but now I am stuck doing everything again. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he accuses me of nagging at him and says he will get to his stuff when he gets around to it. I don’t want to be a nag, but I feel like I have tried everything. I have been doing all of the chores around the house again for about three months. What can I do to solve this once and for all? We can make lists all we want, but if we both don’t live up to our ends of the deal where do we go from here?
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