Of course it feels differently for everyone, but there are clues as to whether what you have is great and unfortunately clues that maybe greatness lies elsewhere. According to Ellen Berscheid and Elaine Walster, there are two main types of love. The kind that partners in a romantic relationship have is called “Passionate love” and “involves continuously thinking about the loved one and also involves warm sexual feelings and powerful emotional reactions.” The other kind is called “Compassionate Love” and is characterized by “having trusting and tender feelings for someone who is close to you.” This would be the kind of love you have for your parents, children, friends, siblings, etc. After a time of dating someone and growing closer to them the initial passionate love evolves into a kind of compassionate love that also includes intimacy.
There are some things that a relationship should have if it is healthy and what you deserve. First you should feel comfortable being who you are; your partner should value your personal qualities and love you whether you are wearing makeup or not and whether you gain or lose ten pounds (or even fifty.) In other words you should feel accepted and free from insecurities. Your relationship should be balanced; you should be both getting out of it what you want and need. Each partner needs to learn to give and take. In addition to spending valuable time with each other you need to retain some independence so that you are comfortable spending time apart. It is important to nourish all of the other relationships in your life with your family and friends.
Another important quality is honesty and openness. You should feel comfortable communicating your true feelings to your partner without worrying about any repercussions. You should both maintain a sense of humor about life’s little speed bumps as well. If you work through them as a team, they will be much easier to manage.
In my opinion one of the most important qualities in a relationship is friendship. This includes working as a team on every part of your relationship, being supportive of one another in your life’s goals, and enjoying spending time together. It is true that opposites attract to a point, but do you have any friends with whom you have nothing in common? Whether it is a hobby, a set of opinions, a value system, morals, or anything else, there has to be something that you can build a relationship on, or you will be building your foundation on sand so to speak.
With all of this said, if you feel comfortable, accepted, and happy the large majority of the time, then your relationship is very likely a great one, and you should work to keep it that way. If you find yourself on the other side of this coin, it does not mean that you don’t have a relationship worth fighting for, only that you might have to modify the way you are trying to make sure your partner is comfortable and feels accepted, and the way you let them know that you want them to be happy (this might require some compromise from both of you.) This should be a two-sided deal, you shouldn’t have to work on your relationship alone, but you might have to start on the right path to get your partner to follow.
Unfortunately, there are circumstances in which a relationship should be let go. If you don’t feel safe, if you have been physically abused, emotionally abused, or purposely estranged from your family or friends, then you should lean on your family and friends who can help you be strong while you get out as quickly as possible. It might be difficult to get out of a situation that is not healthy, but in the end your safety, happiness and sense of self worth are the most important things.
“To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.”-David Viscott
We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.
14 comments:
Hey Kim, it’s nice once in a while to read things that we know to be true to remind us of the straight path when things might be going astray.
Jess
Hey Kim, It's great post and wish all the best for u.
Thank you for this entry Kim. I am glad that you said that love doesn’t have to be perfect to be worth fighting for. As I have mentioned, my husband and I have gone through some really rocky times, and while I am sure we will make it through, we are struggling to remain connected right now. It is so funny how you get married to live your lives together, and then it is the little things in life that in essence end up tearing you apart. Getting the kids here and there, maintaining friendships outside your marriage, and following your dreams all seem to cause distress in a marriage. I often joke that I am going to move to Siberia, but I don’t need to move to Siberia to reconnect with my husband. It feels like we play for different teams. If I am on offense, he is on defense and vice versa. The truth is, the way to reconnect and get your relationship back on track is unique to each couple. I can’t imagine that any other couple has the exact same issues that my husband and I do. I would imagine most of them are similar. What is the old saying? Something like when marriages fail they fight about money, sex, or the kids? I think that is probably true with a few exceptions. We also fight about my friends. (I like them and he doesn’t, but that’s not my problem. When he has valid complaints, I take them into consideration, but if he is competing for my attention, I don’t let him have all of my time; I need friends too.
You touched on this a little bit, but I think it is so important to have friends outside your marriage because if you depend on your spouse for all social interaction, it’s a recipe for disaster. Maintaining friendships with people other than your spouse will allow you to talk to someone else about your problems. You need to have things to talk about with your spouse, but you can’t depend on them for everything. The thing is, this is a lot easier to say than it is to do. Balance is elusive in a lot of marriages, and mine is no exception. Because we both tend to believe that the other will be there for us no matter what, it is really easy to take each other for granted. Maybe in the future you could do an entry about not taking things for granted. I think you can be grateful for things in your life and still sometimes take those same things for granted. I am very thankful for how hard my husband works, how hard he tries to provide for our family, and the way he fathers our children, but I often look past those things and focus on the things that he doesn’t do that I want. I know this is selfish, but it is difficult not to do so when you have needs that aren’t being met. So, how do we strike a balance?
Hi Suzy,
Thanks for the suggestion. I can certainly talk a bit about gr8fulness and balance in the future. That might be a great topic for my next entry. Best of luck to you and your husband, and thank you for your comments on this entry and the others as well.
~Kim~
Kim,
I enjoyed reading about the two different types of love. I guess I always knew they were there, but I had never given them enough thought to understand why love is so much different at the beginning than it is after you get to know each other well and feel comfortable around your partner. When the breakneck speed of your heart slows down a little bit, and you feel comfortable instead of jittery, I think that is when the companionate love grows in addition to the passionate love. I have always wondered why things that are charming and cute in the beginning can turn into burdens when “the honeymoon is over.” This makes a lot of sense. Thanks.
Hello, I think it is great that you didn’t put any definite yeses and nos in your advice except for the abuse, not feeling safe, and being estranged from your family. I think in most cases, relationships can be worked out if there is real love involved in them which is to say no abuse, no estrangement, and no reason to feel unsafe (as you said.) The thing is in situations like this, both partners have to want it to work and be willing to work on it. I have found in some past relationships that my partner or I say we are willing to work on our issues, but neither one of us will actually do the leg work. The hard part in that situation is letting go. I think it is because you know you could have something great, but if you are both unwilling to do the work to make it great, is it worth it to stay in a relationship that could be great but in reality is miserable? I think this could have been added to your list of “deal breakers” as Dr. Phil would say. If neither of you care enough to make the effort it will take to make your relationship a good one, then you should probably let go because you will both be miserable otherwise. I don’t know about anyone else, but I would rather be alone than miserable with someone, and maybe there is a reason neither of you are willing to work on it. The trouble is how do you decide which you have? What makes you willing or not willing to work on it? Is it because you know deep down it’s not right, or because you don’t want to be the one to give in and make an effort?
That is a great question, Erica, and it is also one that I think everyone has to answer on an individual basis. I would love to tell you that your relationship is worth saving, but without knowing you and your partner, I have to leave that call up to you. I do believe that a relationship between two good people who care about each other is generally worth fighting for, but for me to tell you that you have to fight is not what I am here to do. I am here to hopefully make you feel good about your relationship and the decisions you make, and maybe guide you to a place in your life where you can feel more gr8ful for the things around you. However without knowing your specific situation well, and without being a trained professional, I don’t feel qualified to say yes or no. Following what your instincts tell you will probably make you happier in the end.
This was a great blog. Thanks for sharing!
I love how you put feeling comfortable being who you are. It is so easy to get caught up in a relationship and trying to change who you are for the person you are seeing. There is that old saying about women trying to change men, and that it doesn’t work. It’s true; it doesn’t work. I have caught myself in situations with someone who I think is want I want, only to realize a few months into it that I am not acting like myself at all, only to please her, so I go back to being myself and the relationship suffers a complete meltdown. If I can’t be myself with someone whom I am supposed to love and who is supposed to love me, when can I be myself? If I can’t be myself in my relationship, does she truly love me? And finally, if I can’t be myself, why would I want her? It is a painful process to go through, and it’s one that I’ve been through several times in search of the perfect mate. The first feelings that this might be it that eventually lead to realizing that I have let go of myself and that I can’t continue. This is to say nothing bad about the ladies with whom this has happened, but I am going to hold out until I find someone that will allow me to be all of me.
I love your blog. Keep up the fabulous work!
Kim, I can relate to the part your blog that talks about your partner loving you for who you are even if you gain ten (or 50) pounds. When my fiancé and I had our daughter, I gained a lot of weight with the pregnancy. My daughter is now 18 months old, and I still weigh about 60 pounds more than I did when I got pregnant with her (more than when I delivered, actually.) I don’t feel great about myself, but what’s worse is that my fiancé is always after me to lose some weight. He doesn’t call me names or make fun of me, but he gets after me when I am eating junk food because he says he wants me to be healthy. I am skeptical that it is all about my health; I think it has a little bit to do with my appearances as well. He has stopped telling me that he likes the way that I look, and it is apparent that he isn’t happy with me physically when we go to bed if you know what I mean. I know that I used to look better than I do now, but I am tall, and I was underweight when I got pregnant, so even though I gained 60 pounds, I am barely overweight for my height.
I do want to lose some of the weight, but not more than 30 pounds because I want to set a good example for our daughter. I don’t want her to grow up and think she has to look the way that I used to look to be attractive. The truth is that I was too thin, and I can be healthy without being rail thin. Am I being too self-conscious, or does he really want me to be healthy?
Hi Sierra, I am sure that you are still as beautiful as you were before you got pregnant with your daughter. It might be in a slightly different way now because you aren’t waif thin like you were before, but after a woman gives birth, her body changes. This is not to say that you can’t lose the weight if you want to, or that you shouldn’t be concerned about your health, but it seems that you feel pretty comfortable in your skin. If you want to lose 30 pounds, you need to do it because it is something that you want to do, not because your fiancé wants you to do it.
With that said have you talked to your fiancé about this? I am big on good communication in relationships, and I wonder if you have communicated your feelings to him about how it makes you feel when he doesn’t compliment you anymore, and how he reacts to you when you are in the bedroom. If nothing else, this should help you understand his true feelings. Maybe it is as simple as him not wanting to compliment you because he is afraid that will make you think he is no longer concerned about your health. (Remember that men think differently than women.) I am saying that you need to talk about this and get to the bottom of his reasoning for his actions. If it is all about your health, then maybe you could create a plan together to eat healthy and exercise. This would be a way for him to show his support of you and your journey to become healthier. If it’s not about your health, then you deserve to be treated with respect and love and your fiancé needs to know that. As much as you should be gr8ful for the things in your life, he should be gr8ful for you too. You know what your needs are in a relationship, and you deserve to have them met. Make sure you give your fiancé the credit he deserves, and communicate with him before you assume that his motives aren’t in your best interest. You also have your daughter to think about; consider what is in her best interest as well as yours and your fiance’s.
~Kim~
I am at the end of my rope. I have read all of your blogs about communication and now this one about how love feels. I am so frustrated. My boyfriend and I talk a lot, and we even talk about important issues in our life/lives. We seem to have no problem letting each other know what we want and hearing what each other want. Sounds good so far, I know. The problem is that we have such different ideas about the future that I don’t feel like we are on the same team; sometimes we aren’t even on the same field. It seems like my dreams and his dreams are so totally different. I want to see the world and maybe even live in different parts. He is content to stay in the same place, the same house, the same job (that he hates) just because he doesn’t want to move and has been at his job for several years. He says nothing is any different anywhere else, and no one is any different either. He acknowledges that there are things to see that he would like to see, but he says that is what vacations are for. I don’t comprehend how he can flat-out refuse to make a change in a life that is decidedly less than appealing. I am educated and want my horizons to grow, and he is not graduated past high school and seems to love to tell me how stupid he is because he doesn’t understand me. I don’t think he is stupid. I have always told him that there are different kinds of intelligence, and though I have book smarts, he has mechanical intelligence that I can’t begin to comprehend. Even though we talk about our issues, we don’t solve anything. How can it be helpful to keep beating the same horse and never having anything change?
We love each other, and I don’t see us breaking up, we are very committed. But how can we learn to communicate to solve problems instead of going around in circles?
Bekka T.
Hi, Kim. I want to thank you for talking about how you should feel comfortable to be who you are in a relationship. I haven’t always been in relationships like that, and now that I am, I believe that everyone deserves to be treated the way I am treated, and they deserve to know it. Be who you are, or you will never be satisfied.
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