In my past several blog entries, I have written about communication between partners in a romantic situation. There have been several responses about many different situations in personal relationships. From these responses one point that I feel I need to make is that the only person for whom you can be responsible is YOU. This is the case in any human relationship, but today I will be focusing on the romantic aspect. Ultimately, you can only control your behavior in a relationship: how you react to things your partner does, whether you choose to be gr8ful for what you have or long for that which you don’t have, whether you do things just because you know it will make your partner happy, or whether you do things just to push his or her buttons. Several people have commented in past entries that my life seems like it’s perfect, some even questioning whether I am being truthful in my descriptions of my relationship. I am here to tell you that my life is wonderful because I have chosen to make it that way. I choose to be gr8ful for the love I have in my life, for the sky being blue, for the rain watering the flowers, for the smell of coffee in the morning, for the sunshine on my face. Is my life perfect? No, probably not, but I choose to look for life’s perfections, not its imperfections. It is a choice I make when I wake up every morning. I live a life of gr8fulness simply because it allows me to be happy and it releases me from wondering how something someone else does will affect me - because it won’t.
From reading the responses to my latest blog entry in particular, it seems many people are feeling unappreciated in their relationships. The question I want to ask is whether the issues these couples are having can be solved by the “hurt” partner being irate and unkind, or by being optimistic and loving? It is my true belief that nothing can be solved with anger, so I want to challenge you now to try a new attitude for your life if you often find yourself angry about little things that are happening in your life or angry at the people in your life, especially your partner. When you feel anger, stop yourself and think about what you might have to be gr8ful for at that very moment. In the beginning, it might be tough to see the good things in your life through the anger, but trust me when I say it gets easier the more you do it.
Dr. Phil McGraw wrote a book called “Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Spouse,” and his very first piece of advice to his readers, before the first chapter even begins is “to get real about you. And when I say real, I mean one hundred percent, drop-dead, no-kidding real. No defensiveness, no denial—total honesty.” He goes on to say that if you become defensive and unbendable and argumentative that “you will lose for sure.” I still truly believe that at your best you are the perfect you, you should be able to stay who you are in any relationship; I only want you to think about how you approach things. I understand that Dr. Phil’s advice is probably different than the way you generally think about your relationships, but there is a lot of truth in what he says. You are a great you, but at the end of the day, you can talk to your partner and hope that he reciprocates openness to you, you can be the friend of the person who is in an a dysfunctional relationship and hope that they make a healthy choice, you can control how you communicate with your husband who only wants the “meat and potatoes.” The responsibility for the other person in the relationship is theirs alone. So, you continue being the perfect you, focusing on things that make you feel gr8ful, and leave the other person’s behavior up to him or her.
According to Sociologist Catherine Kohler Riessman, most of the women she interviews state lack of communication as the reason for their divorce but few of the men do the same. This is proof that men and women ultimately view things in very different ways. You can help the communication in your relationship by doing some of the things that I have mentioned in earlier entries (and many other things that have been recommended by countless professionals who have done extensive studies on communication between partners,) but in the end, go to bed at night knowing you are responsible for yourself alone and being gr8ful for all of the great things in your life.
From reading the responses to my latest blog entry in particular, it seems many people are feeling unappreciated in their relationships. The question I want to ask is whether the issues these couples are having can be solved by the “hurt” partner being irate and unkind, or by being optimistic and loving? It is my true belief that nothing can be solved with anger, so I want to challenge you now to try a new attitude for your life if you often find yourself angry about little things that are happening in your life or angry at the people in your life, especially your partner. When you feel anger, stop yourself and think about what you might have to be gr8ful for at that very moment. In the beginning, it might be tough to see the good things in your life through the anger, but trust me when I say it gets easier the more you do it.
Dr. Phil McGraw wrote a book called “Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Spouse,” and his very first piece of advice to his readers, before the first chapter even begins is “to get real about you. And when I say real, I mean one hundred percent, drop-dead, no-kidding real. No defensiveness, no denial—total honesty.” He goes on to say that if you become defensive and unbendable and argumentative that “you will lose for sure.” I still truly believe that at your best you are the perfect you, you should be able to stay who you are in any relationship; I only want you to think about how you approach things. I understand that Dr. Phil’s advice is probably different than the way you generally think about your relationships, but there is a lot of truth in what he says. You are a great you, but at the end of the day, you can talk to your partner and hope that he reciprocates openness to you, you can be the friend of the person who is in an a dysfunctional relationship and hope that they make a healthy choice, you can control how you communicate with your husband who only wants the “meat and potatoes.” The responsibility for the other person in the relationship is theirs alone. So, you continue being the perfect you, focusing on things that make you feel gr8ful, and leave the other person’s behavior up to him or her.
According to Sociologist Catherine Kohler Riessman, most of the women she interviews state lack of communication as the reason for their divorce but few of the men do the same. This is proof that men and women ultimately view things in very different ways. You can help the communication in your relationship by doing some of the things that I have mentioned in earlier entries (and many other things that have been recommended by countless professionals who have done extensive studies on communication between partners,) but in the end, go to bed at night knowing you are responsible for yourself alone and being gr8ful for all of the great things in your life.
To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.
We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.
11 comments:
I read Dr. Phil’s book at a time in my marriage when I thought we were going to split and not by my choice, and his point that I could only be responsible for my own behavior was really eye opening to me. I was one of the people that justified being rude to my husband because he was being rude to me, but Dr. Phil made me realize that that type of behavior wasn’t going to save anything, especially our marriage. After I read that, I was considerate if not loving to my husband even when he was disrespectful to me. It has been several years now, but the trust that was broken between us is still mending, and I think I am a little more cautious about being dependent, but in the end when I chose not to return the disrespectful behavior just because that is what I was receiving, things changed. I guess even though I had to bite my tongue a few times, I would rather be happy than right. I have learned to let some things go because they don’t really matter. If something really matters to me, then I still talk to my husband about it, but I am very careful not to be disrespectful and push his buttons on purpose. Clearly I know where they are, I used to make a practice of pushing them every chance I got, but as the quote says, hate never fixes hate, only love can fix hate.
After reading this, I know that I need to do some work on myself before my relationship can heal. I am a button-pusher. Every chance I get, I push by fiancée’s buttons. I know her insecurities, so I use them to make her dependent on me because I don’t want her to leave me. I have been divorced, and I was really hurt by it, so I don’t want it to happen again. When she is being too dependent on me, I get angry because she doesn’t trust me, which is probably something I created in the first place. I didn’t even consider that I might have some issues to work on before I could ever expect her to work on anything. I know that once I change my attitude about things, that maybe she will change hers too. I am a great me, but sometimes “me” makes mistakes (yes, a man just said that), and she is a great “she.” I don’t know why people can’t just let their partners be who they are and everyone has to go around trying to change everything about their partner. There was obviously something there in the beginning that worked. Where does it go and is it coming back? I hope that if I make some changes I can find it again in my relationship.
I can totally relate to this post because I'm in a relationship right now and I was once made a mistake with my girlfriend and I really regret it.
So for her, we talked and came up with one decision. From that day I let her decide everything to prevent resentment. But now, I feel like it's too much for me. It's like I need some time for myself. So I told her to just trust me and stop doubting me because I love her so much. she said yes but in one condition, she maid me promise not to do it again or else our relationship will end.
Thanks Kim,
Andrew Williams
Kim, when you say “You are the perfect you,” but consider being more grateful and changing the way you look at things for a better relationship, how can the two reconcile? If I am the perfect me, then why do I need to change? I like who I am, and when I do push my husband’s buttons, I feel justified because of all the button pushing that he has done to me. We love each other and we get along pretty well, but we have our issues, one of them is the button pushing and capitalizing on each other’s weaknesses. I understand that this isn’t healthy and know that it needs to stop. I wonder though, why do I have to change first? Why can’t it be him, or why can’t we do it at the same time? I always thought that a relationship was supposed to be 50/50, so if we both acknowledge that there is a problem shouldn’t we work on it together?
Jade, when I say that you are the perfect you, I mean it. I think everyone on Earth should be who they are and they were made to be just that. What I mean when I say to change your attitude about the good things in your life and be gr8ful for the blue sky or other things that you love about life, I don’t want you to change who you are, I just want you to think about things in a different way. For example instead of thinking about how much you dislike your job, think about how thankful you are that you have work. I hope that clarifies. I want you to stay just who you are, but I also want you to think about the wonderful things you have been blessed with in your life. They are there. When you catch yourself having a negative thought, turn it around and consider for what in that particular situation you could be gr8ful.
When you say you feel justified in pushing your husband’s buttons, I can certainly understand that, but think about whether button pushing is a behavior you want to engage in at all. Remove your husband from the situation, and think about whether doing or saying something to someone because you know it will hurt them/make them insecure is something you want to do at all. If he is pushing your buttons when you argue and it is to ever stop, one of you will likely have to stop first. If he isn’t as concerned about it as much as you are, should you be the one to take a new path? That decision is yours alone, but your husband may well quickly jump on your bandwagon if he sees that you have stopped pushing buttons and started discussing things that are important to growing your relationship.
I had to respond because I love Dr. Phil’s TV show, and while his approach is definitely different than yours is, Kim, he is always good for a dose of real whether it is harsh or not. I think the two of you complement each other well because he says it just like he sees it whether it makes the person he is talking to cringe or not. I love that you aren’t like that and you put a positive spin on everything, and I am trying to be gr8ful for everything I have. I really struggle sometimes, and there are definitely times that I slip. I want to thank you for showing me that even when things are rough and going exactly opposite to how you might have planned them, there are beautiful things in your life even if it is only the smell of coffee in the morning. Sometimes there isn’t even coffee, and you have to be thankful that you got out of bed one more time. It’s not much maybe, but when things are really tough, it is definitely something.
The thing you said about making a choice every day when you wake up is so true. I was diagnosed with breast cancer about 6 months ago and have had a bilateral mastectomy. I am now going through my second round of chemotherapy, and some days I wish I would just die because I feel so sick and I hurt all over. My husband is great, there is no trouble there, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I have been reading your blog anyway because I think it is interesting and at times funny. I loved the “Pretty Woman” comparison. Some days I am so scared that the cancer is growing inside me instead of dying I nearly worry myself crazy. It is on these days that I have to work to remember that I am so lucky to have a great medical team that is known all over for being one of the best breast cancer teams in the United States. They will listen when I call, answer any questions I have, and sometimes just put my mind at ease or listen when I feel like I have burdened my husband enough. I am so grateful for the blessings that I have in my life: a great husband, three great kids, a wonderful home, a good job with an understanding boss and management who hasn’t found a way to fire me for getting sick, and a great medical team. This just brushed the surface, and cancer seems like a bump in the road for someone who is as blessed as I am in life.
I have faith that I will get through this cancer, but if I lose the fight, I will die happy because of everything I have to be grateful for.
With that said, I don’t usually feel that way when I wake up in the morning. I wake up thinking “Why me?” and I am very scared and angry because this happened to me. I have to make a conscious effort to be grateful every day. I hope all of your readers think about this because I have to work really hard at my attitude, but if I can do it, so can anyone else.
After reading this blog, I chuckled a little bit because basically, you are saying to follow the Golden Rule. If you treat everyone the way you want them to treat you, everything will be “golden.” (Pun intended.) People seem to have forgotten what common courtesy is, and if they can’t treat their partners well, I pity the other people they encounter throughout the day. I am glad that you take it a step further and talk about being grateful for what you already have and not mourning what you are missing. In our society of instant gratification and materialism, it is a wonder anyone remembers to smell the coffee or look at the sky, or whatever they might value. That is why a lot of people would like to go back to simpler times. Back when we didn’t have all of the crap we have now, people knew enough to look at the stars at night. Now in many cities they can’t see them because so many people have accumulated so much stuff that the lights and pollution drowns out one of the most beautiful things about living on Earth. It’s funny how someone has to write a blog about something that should be common sense and that people seem so surprised by it. Good job, Kim.
I appreciate your point here, but in this world when no one is being held responsible for their own actions why would someone decide to be responsible in their relationship. Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Khloe Kardashian, Caroline Guiliani, Charlie Sheen, and on and on. These people have committed crimes and the charges have either been dropped or the sentences reduced. Ms. Lohan was recently released from her third or fourth stay in rehab after three weeks instead of three months, and she was released from jail after thirteen days of her 90 day sentence. It is no wonder people take a pass on treating each other with human decency. These celebrities did things that should have been punished, but instead the judges on all of these cases showed that you can get away with anything if you have enough money or a good enough lawyer. Take OJ Simpson for example; I have read many books from both sides of that case, and if he is really innocent may lightning strike me, but he got off for killing his wife. Granted, he is rotting in prison right now for other offenses, so maybe karma got him, but there are countless examples of people not being held accountable for their actions, famous and not famous. In this situation it isn’t a wonder that people aren’t nice to their partners, they’ll just break up, divorce, not be friends anymore. Thank you for saying what is right, please keep up the good work.
Thank you for touching on people who have a friend who is in an abusive relationship. I wrote last week about the train wreck, and this last weekend, my friend’s boyfriend actually hit her so hard in the jaw that it left a bruise on both sides of her face. He was under the influence of marijuana, Oxycontin, and she thinks he might have taken a mushroom (whatever that is.) I spoke to her just today, and she was telling me about it, and I kind of gave out the tough love. I told her that she knows it will never get better because she has been in this situation before, that he is trained for combat (he’s in the military too, isn’t that great?) and the injuries are only going to get worse from here she should know because this isn’t the first time she has been in this situation, and that I love her but don’t have the extra brainpower to be worrying about whether he is killing her every minute of every day. I know I might have overstepped my bounds, and I am planning on laying off the tough love from here on out because I know that can push her back to him. This entry helped me to remember that it is her choice to stay and her choice to leave. I will worry about her, but I know that there is nothing I can do to make her leave and nothing she can do to make him stop hitting her. The best I can do at this time is be her friend and take pictures of the bruises in case we ever need them.
I guess communication with your partner would strenghtened evry relationship.Take a good look at what your relationship is about. If you have all the control, it still won't work. The idea behind relationships is for partners to balance control and work together on issues.
Post a Comment