It is a reality in today’s world that the majority of the population occasionally communicates by text message (over 90% of cell phones in the United States are capable of sending text messages.) This includes messages between friends, family, business associates, and significant others. The very first text message was sent from a computer to a phone back in December of 1992. Initially, few people communicated via text message, but today text messaging is used more than any other data service with about 2.4 billion people communicating via text, many of them romantically involved couples. I am here to help you ensure that your text messages say what you mean and to help you avoid the miscommunication that comes with a new-age method of communication.
We all know that men and women look at things differently; John Gray even wrote a book called “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.” Texting can be a great form of communication between men and women as long as both people are able to say and read what is meant. Women, who tend to think more with their hearts, may take meaning from a text message that was not intended because the man who sent it didn’t consider the way she would read it before pressing “send.” On the other hand, men might miss an implied meaning in a text message because they tend to think about things in a more “black and white” way. They read what is written and nothing more. This can definitely lead to some miscommunication between two people who don’t have any nonverbal cues to read, especially because it is difficult to put a thought of any complexity into 160 characters.
According to USA Today “men and women often have polarized opinions about how [text messages] should be used in romantic situations.” Men see texts as a way to trade information in a relationship, and women tend to think of them as another way to share emotions.
The upside of texting is that it allows you to send a quick message in the middle of the day to let your significant other know that you are thinking about them or a convenient way to let them know that you will be late getting home from work. However, please keep in mind the following rules to ensure that text messaging remains a positive kind of communication between you and your significant other.
Make sure that you take into account that the text message is just that, text.
Remember there is no way to hear a tone of voice in a text or to see a facial expression, and you might be reading a message in a way entirely different than how it was written.
(Sarcasm can come across a lot like anger.) On the other side of that coin, you could be sending a message that reads entirely differently than you mean it.
Be sure that any message you send says what you mean and that it won’t be understood to mean something else when it is read.
If there is a possibility the reader might misread it, pick up the phone and call them instead.
When you receive a text that seems offensive to you, make sure you read it again to determine if your understanding is what the sender intended. If you’re not sure, again, pick up the phone.
It would be a shame for a misunderstood text message to be the cause of a disagreement.
Texting should also never replace phone calls or face to face conversation.
Make sure to make time for your significant other so they feel like an important part of your life.
Important conversations should always be had voice-to-voice.
It’s great to tell someone you love them by text as a reminder that you are thinking of them, but the first time you say it, they should be able to hear you.
Essentially what I am saying is that it is very important to make sure that you understand what is meant by a text message you receive.
If you are confused by a message, ask the sender, and be mindful of what you write as well so your words are not confused.
Texting can be a great addition to the communication between you and your significant other.
As long as you follow the rules outlined above to ensure that you use texts to your best effect, the communication will be in the best interests of both of you.
19 comments:
I really enjoyed reading this post and agree with everything that it said. I do see an angle that was left out though. I have a friend who was happily married several years ago and going on about her life when she opened her cell phone bill and noticed that her husband had texted the same number over 4,000 times in one month. The thought that he was cheating never crossed her mind because he was home with her most of the time even though they were having some difficulty in their marriage. She asked him about the number and he told her it was a guy he used to work with. She wondered why he would be texting another male 4,000 times in one month, so she called the number and a girl named Brianna (alias) answered. They had a talk and Brianna told my friend she had been having an affair with her husband for over four months. My friend divorced him, and he now says he made the biggest mistake of his life when he lost her. What bothers my friend the most though, is that she never would have known about it if she hadn’t looked closely at the phone bill.
She recently told me that she believes that the simplicity of texting has only made it easier for people to cheat on their spouses because they can still be present at home and in the relationship while communicating with the “other” by text message.
I asked her what she thought would have happened if she hadn’t looked closely at that phone bill and things would have kept going the way they were. She says she doesn’t know. She wonders if he would have eventually divorced her or if he would have realized (as he says he has now) that he would be making a huge mistake by losing her and broken up with Brianna. She knows she is in a better place now without him, but it is still painful for her that she lost her marriage and texting played a significant part in the break up.
Of course texting someone of the opposite sex isn’t automatically cheating, but it can be a slippery slope into cheating because it is on the sly, so to speak.
In my opinion if someone is truly happy and satisfied in their relationship, they wouldn’t be texting someone else, and if they aren’t satisfied, they should be talking to their spouse and trying to determine the cause and solution, not starting something with someone else.
That was definitely right! It creates relationship complication for a simple misinterpreted SMS. That is why we should have to aware of every text message that would come up with our phone, as what is written in the blog it is very important that we should and we must be satisfied for the relationship we had. Based on my experience, I and my boyfriend relationship had a great foundation with trust, respect, understanding, honesty, loyalty and empathy. We are very much blessed by God. I am so grateful having him in my life. Coz I know I am his first priority, He never makes a move or anything that makes me jealous. He doesn’t want me to cry. He can’t let go sleep unless he knows I am okay. He loves me so much. And I loved him too very much. We always said “No Goodbyes, Only Love, a true love”.
Actually one of my friends is not using a phone anymore, because he really loves his wife. He gave up his phone. My friend and his wife almost separated because some of our friends played a prank text on him and pretending that my friend has a lover and now pregnant, so the wife of my friend was very angry and left him, after a week of searching for the one who is responsible for the message. He explained to her wife that it was just a prank message and he doesn’t have lover, along with him to explain is the one responsible for the text messages.
Eventually my friends’ wife believed them and went back home. But, unfortunately my friend is not allowed to hold his phone unless it’s important.
I had definately been misunderstood with my text messages. Thank you for an informational blog.
Erica J
I was really glad to see that someone brought up texting as a form of booty call because I have seen this happen many times and one person or the other wants nothing more than a roll in the hay. Inevitably in this scenario the other party ends up getting hurt because they wanted more from the booty caller.
When a relationship is new, if booty is not all you are looking for, someone should take the time to make a phone call to their new significant other.
This responsibility does not always fall on the male; I don’t think it matters who makes each phone call, but both sides can take turns.
In the initial post, it talks about making sure that you understand the text message as it was meant not necessarily as it was written, and that you should be sure that your meaning is clear when you send a text. But what if the relationship is so new that you couldn’t possibly know the sender well enough to determine the underlying meaning of something they say? In this case it is imperative that someone makes a phone call. Once you know all of the quirks your significant other has, then there are some conversations that can happen by text and not lead to a misunderstanding, but until then I think it is important to be sure your meaning and the meaning of your sender/receiver are clear.
If you respond to one booty call, you will probably get more. The old adage “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” comes into play here.
If someone can simply send a text message asking someone whom they have been dating if they are available to meet and the date ends with sex each time, the pattern will not change.
Sometimes it is difficult in a new relationship to recognize a booty call for what it is, but if that is not what you want out of the relationship, it is important that you remind yourself that you are worth more than a text message asking for sex, which is what a booty call is.
Obviously, text messaging brings a whole new level of complication to relationships because when before you had a facial expression or a tone of voice to help you figure out just what the other person was thinking, now all you have is 160 characters or fewer on the screen of your cell phone.
I think this would be a good time to mention that texting can in no way replace communication which is the backbone of any relationship.
I enjoyed your blog post, sms is easier to do and I prefer to sms than phone it is cheeper but have often misunderstood ppl which can get confusing ...scarcasm doesnt come across at all in a text :)
A friend of mine met a guy one night while we were out at a club and they exchanged cell phone numbers. They began texting back and forth for a couple of days but never exchanged a phone call. Then, on day three, he sent her a text asking her if she would like to see a movie that evening. She was a little bit offended when the text came, because they had only actually spoken one time at a club. She texted him back and told him to call her if he wanted an answer, and he never called. As far as I’m concerned, text messages are making the population lazy.
Why spend the time and call someone when you can send a couple of acronyms and feel like you made the effort.
If you want to get to know someone, talk to them.
I don’t see a problem with adding in a flirty text here or there or a “How’s your day,” but that is only if you know we’ll talk later.
I agree with the idea above that there is no romance in a text message, and I admit as a liberated woman, I still want ROMANCE! I am happy to reciprocate and watch a football game with my boyfriend and his friends while they drink beer and talk about things I don’t understand, and I won’t even continually ask questions and be the stereotypical annoying girlfriend. If he wants to watch the game without me, that’s okay too as long as when we are together, he is present with me.
With the way the world is going and a large portion of the population saying things like “We need to get back to our core values,” I must say I somewhat agree. I love living in 2010, and am thrilled about the conveniences that today’s technology affords, but there is something to be said for a man calling you for a date and then showing up at your door with flowers.
I am feeling like I sound old fashioned, but is it possible that we can have it both ways? Can we enjoy the convenience that text messaging brings while still enjoying the romance we had before texts?
I found a great list of do’s and don’ts for texting in relationships on about.com. Here is the link. http://dating.about.com/od/rulesetiquette/qt/textingrules.htm. As mentioned above, the first “don’t” is “Don’t guess.” It recommends calling the person on the other end of the text if you don’t know what they are talking about.Texting can’t replace heart-felt discussions in a relationship; if there is a disagreement, you must talk about it face to face. Also, cute, flirty texts can’t replace romance and closeness.What if at the end of the movie Pretty Woman Richard Gere would have sent Julia Roberts a text message telling her he understood and she shouldn’t leave instead of the grand gesture he made when he stopped and bought red roses and proceeded to climb up her fire escape and “rescue” her despite his terrible fear of heights? Would she have stayed, or would she have figured out that he was a complete flake and ran to the bus station? The idea kind of deflates the romantic ending of the movie, doesn’t it?
I love text messaging, and I enjoy getting an “I love you” from my husband when I am not expecting it because it makes me smile, but I would be devastated if he thought those text messages (which he just resends again and again from the first time he typed it in and thus don’t really take any effort at all) became a replacement for telling me in person while he is looking at me. I also like to send text messages of the same kind because I want him to know that I am thinking of him when he is least expecting it or when I think that he probably needs a pick-me-up. I also think it is important to keep in mind that my husband and I have been together for 14 years. A three word text message would simply not do when someone is trying to connect in a brand-new relationship. I, for one, would simply think my new fling was making a booty call and therefore was probably not worth my time.Technology has its good points and bad points as does texting, but I think it is very important not to allow texting to take over conversation in any relationship.
Personally, I don't believe in meeting your perfect partner in Text or mails..
But then I knew a lot of people that they end up being together.
One thing is for sure for me..
God never cut communications to those people who are meant to be.
If God's will, it will happen.
And Kim, yes I agree with you that only communication can increase and deepen the relationship of two people.
And like you, I'm used to use my cellphone and mails to bless other people and impart to them what I have learned in life.
God Bless!
Take Care,
Hannah Linao
I was really glad to see that someone brought up texting as a form of booty call because I have seen this happen many times and one person or the other wants nothing more than a roll in the hay. Inevitably in this scenario the other party ends up getting hurt because they wanted more from the booty caller.When a relationship is new, if booty is not all you are looking for, someone should take the time to make a phone call to their new significant other.
This responsibility does not always fall on the male; I don’t think it matters who makes each phone call, but both sides can take turns.In the initial post, it talks about making sure that you understand the text message as it was meant not necessarily as it was written, and that you should be sure that your meaning is clear when you send a text. But what if the relationship is so new that you couldn’t possibly know the sender well enough to determine the underlying meaning of something they say? In this case it is imperative that someone makes a phone call. Once you know all of the quirks your significant other has, then there are some conversations that can happen by text and not lead to a misunderstanding, but until then I think it is important to be sure your meaning and the meaning of your sender/receiver are clear.If you respond to one booty call, you will probably get more. The old adage “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” comes into play here.If someone can simply send a text message asking someone whom they have been dating if they are available to meet and the date ends with sex each time, the pattern will not change. Sometimes it is difficult in a new relationship to recognize a booty call for what it is, but if that is not what you want out of the relationship, it is important that you remind yourself that you are worth more than a text message asking for sex, which is what a booty call is.Obviously, text messaging brings a whole new level of complication to relationships because when before you had a facial expression or a tone of voice to help you figure out just what the other person was thinking, now all you have is 160 characters or fewer on the screen of your cell phone.I think this would be a good time to mention that texting can in no way replace communication which is the backbone of any relationship.
Yes while texting can be a means of starting communication towards possible forming a romantic relationship, it takes more that texting to actually show one's sincerity. The ease of communication brought about by today's technologies has somehow caused people to to become "lazy" and complacent in showing/realizing what true acts of sincerity are, often thinking that a simple text with an "I love you" or "Take care" is already enough as a form of romantic expression, which is not how things should be. Text messages should never be used as a primary means of romantic conversion and expression.
It takes heart to heart talks, and genuine physical gestures that builds strong/stable relationships, and that text messaging shoull only be used to complement things.
Text messaging also has its inconveniences though, while it may help build a relationship, it can also be a means for easily invoking infidelity among partners, as the ease of text messaging usually allows a person to communicate with more people, thereby increasing chances of infidelity, as flirty messages can be sent easily, and can be denied as a simple/harmless messagesif ever the partner finds out about it.
Talking about all of these, I am grateful I am with the one who understands the limitations and complications that texting and having "text-mates" bring. Because of this, we have forged a stronger bond between us and continually investing on maintaining trust, honesty (which is such as lonely word as everyone is so untrue -- taken from a song yet unfortunately is so true :)), faithfulness and respect, in the end strengthening the love we have for each other.
Kind regards,
Jeremiah
I would like to add some thoughts about texting etiquette. As a recipient of the dreaded break-up text message, I would love to tell anyone out there that they should never, ever, ever do that.
I thought things were going great. We had been together for about two months and were getting along well, we had fun when we went out, the sex was great, and we made each other laugh.
Then I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days so I called him and left a voicemail on his phone. About three minutes later, I got a text message that said “its been fun but i cant hang out with you anymore. Sorry.”
I was devastated, not so much that he had dumped me, though that hurt too, but because he hadn’t had the common courtesy to pick up the phone when I called or, better yet, tell me in person.
I did try to call him to ask what had happened, but then I realized that if he wasn’t man enough to break up with me face to face, he probably wouldn’t be man enough to tell me why he broke it off in the first place.
Just because celebrities have done it, doesn’t make it okay. If someone was worth your time for two months, you owe them the five minute conversation to tell them that they are no longer worth your time.
Just as it is important to tell someone you love them to their face, it is also important to show them the common courtesy of a conversation before you go on with your life without them.
I’m sure it is apparent that I am a little bitter about this situation, but this is an instance where I don’t have closure. I will always wonder what happened to change his mind so suddenly. Did he meet someone else? Was he cheating on me all along? Was it something I said or did? I deserve to know what happened even if the time we spent together was brief. Thank you for writing this blog; hopefully it will enlighten those whose text message etiquette isn’t what it should be.
**Sassy woman**
Thank you so much for this discussion. I am a self-confessed text-aholic, and you have shed light on the potential cost of overusing texting. My fiancé and I live an hour and a half apart, so we text often all day every day, whether we are at work, at home, or at school. Admittedly, we have had arguments because of misunderstood text messages, and as you said it was because I was reading the message with my heart, and my fiancé was sending it with his head. Everything is black and white to him while everything is emotion to me, and I have a hard time remembering that.
Now that I have read this post, I will be sure to try to hear the message in my head in his voice to see if he means it the way it sounds. I think testing the message to see if it is something he would say will be a good measure of his meaning. If I can’t hear him saying the message the way I understand it, I will ask him about it before I get angry and start a fight.
I don’t see myself lowering the number of texts I send or receive, but I will certainly use this new method to make sure that my texts say what I want them to say; I will make sure I think about how the words sound in the voice of the sender before jumping to conclusions or before sending the message if it’s from me.
I love all of the posts thus far, but I think there is a place in our lives for text messages that hasn’t been explored yet. Although the poster above stated that one of her girlfriends had met a guy in club and exchanged texts with him until he had not bothered to call her when it came time to ask her for a date, I think that the way their dialogue began was a great way for two people to begin interacting with each other. I have met people in the past that I am interested in, but I would never just call them the next day to chat. How would I know if we would have anything to talk about? Conversations at nightclubs late at night certainly do not automatically transfer to phone chemistry. No, a phone call is a big risk to take when you just met someone, know next to nothing about them, and are as terrified of rejection as I am. It is much easier to send a quick text message saying that you had fun last night and then waiting for a response. If they don’t respond, then they’re probably not interested.
It is much easier to flirt with a new someone by text than it is to try and be flirtatious on a phone call. There is so much more room for error. If you say something during a phone conversation that they perceive as crossing the line, you are done. That is much more likely to happen when you only have a split second to think of something to say instead of minutes as you do with a text message.
Plus, most people don’t know enough about you in a new situation, so if you say something a little bit off base, I think they are more likely to assume you meant it in the most innocent way possible.
Another reason text messages are great in the beginning is because while a phone call takes a lot of effort and can almost come across as a desperate move in some cases (for example if you call when you get home the same night or right away the next morning,) a text message takes almost no time, so you can make contact with someone you are interested in without coming on too strong. I have sent text messages to a new someone and received text messages from a new someone and I must say that I really prefer to begin things that way with a person whom I know nothing about. It is a great way to find out if we have anything in common, if we would have anything to talk about if we moved on to the phone call, and it is also a good way to find whether you are on the same page with someone intellectually without ever having a conversation with them. If their text messages are full of overused acronyms, you may not want to move the connection forward. Overall, I love text messaging for its simplicity and the lack of pressure it puts on both parties in a new situation.
I agree with the above poster about texts being a low-pressure way to begin a conversation with a new person in your life. There is a line in a new relationship where texting is not as acceptable as a phone call.
Securing a date should ALWAYS be done over the phone or in person. It is not a good idea to ask someone if you can pick them up for a date via text message. EVER. No, not even your wife of fifteen years. Chivalry is not dead, and even though today’s technology has brought convenience, it makes me feel extra special when my husband goes out of his way to do something for me. Sending a text message definitely doesn’t count. I believe there are certain things (other than asking for a date) that should also be avoided through text messaging. We have all heard of drunk-dialing, but it is not a good idea to drunk-text either. You might tell your new someone how hot they looked in whatever they were wearing last night (a minor offense), you might profess your undying eternal love for someone you have been dating for two weeks, or you might even tell them that you absolutely hate that mole on their cheek. None of these are good ideas.
Something else that should be avoided no matter how mad you are is starting a fight via text. It is impossible to convey an entire thought in 160 characters. Wait until you have some face to face time so you can discuss things in a real way. There is no reason to text back and forth until you get so angry with each other you could scream and you can’t get together to actually talk about it until much later. Nothing will get solved by doing this, and a fight started with a text message rarely ends with one. Your significant other will likely feel attacked, and whether your accusation is true or not, you just put them on the defensive because you initiated a fight in a way that makes them feel like they can’t defend themselves. It also takes a lot longer to respond via text than in a conversation, so you will be stewing about the issue while your significant other is so flustered on the other end that they don’t know what to say or how to fit it into 160 characters. In the end the best place for text messages in a relationship is at the beginning when you barely know each other, or when you are very comfortable together and you can send quick “I love yous” to brighten each other’s day.
I was really moved as I was reading this blog, because my boyfriend is always texting his ex-girlfriend. I wonder when the line is crossed between innocent text communications between friends and cheating. I am not comfortable with my boyfriend texting his ex all the time, but I have not said anything to him because I don’t think anything is going on between them, but I still am not comfortable with it. If they fell out of love enough to break up, why do they need to be in contact on a daily basis? Shouldn’t he be spending his time with me? If this was just a female whom he was friends with and had not had any romantic involvement, I think I would feel differently. It is their history that is bothering me. When I read that the wife above never suspected anything because her husband was still spending a lot of time with her, I got a huge knot in my stomach. Even if there isn’t anything going on with my boyfriend and his ex, it is obvious that the potential is there, and I might never even know it. I guess it doesn’t matter where the line is between just texting and cheating because if I feel uncomfortable with it, it should stop.
I now know that I have to talk with my boyfriend and tell him how much his behavior is bothering me even though I trust that there isn’t anything going on between them. Reading all of the entries in this blog have made me think a lot about communication between people who are romantically involved, and I have to be comfortable enough with him that I can be honest with him.
I think the bottom line about text messaging and relationships is that there is a time and a place for them.
Texting your ex-girlfriend at the expense of your current girlfriend…not so much. Sending a text in the middle of the day just because you wonder how your boyfriend’s day is going…great idea!
Text messages cannot replace intimacy.
That is why they are great right in the beginning, or when intimacy has already been established, and flirty text messages let your significant other know that you are thinking about them. I hope that I can explain this to my boyfriend in a way that he won’t take it as an accusation. Thank you everyone who has shared.
Before, I use to text people as my way to communicate with other people whenever I need to inform something or to talk with but a lot of instances and differences between using text and voice calling especially when it is an important matter.
With text - You thought that they read your message or not even if He or She didn't replied because you may think that he/she doesn't have a load.
With Call - you can assure you direct contact with him/her
Text messaging has been a hit in lots of countries and there are lots of people who use it as their main mode of communication. When it comes to cost, it's very cheap compared to the cost of a regular call. You can now send a lengthy message to someone else since before it's limited to just a few characters per send. You can also save text messages as reference. You can save them if they are important or from someone who is important or special. You can also use them as proof that you really sent it or someone really sent it to you. You can also transfer them to you PC (not all mobile phones have this capability) so you could keep it.
I’m not asking you to stay forever in my life, stay as long as you want! No why, no hows, no promises but if you are with me, it’s more than enough.Love Sms
Love Text
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