After reading the responses to my last blog entry, it is clear to me that I need to dig a bit deeper into the communication styles of men versus women. The two sexes obviously communicate in different ways with different expectations, but who knows why?
As a woman I know that when I am communicating with my soul mate, I want to bear my heart, and I want him to bear his as well. We have done a good job of that up until now, and I expect that it will continue into the future. I know that I am not alone in having a relationship to be gr8ful for every day, but reading some of the responses to my last blog have shown me that help is needed, and there are a lot of men who communicate differently than their significant others.
Whether your husband won’t talk to you, or you have been over the same issue again and again, or you have a friend that keeps getting involved in situations that are not healthy for her or her mate, I believe there is help available, and I hope to be able to shed some light on these things for you today.
I am not someone who claims to be able to cure everything, but I hope I can help you.
Of course counselors are available around the country (and all over the world) for issues that can’t be solved with the tips I give here, and I am not trying to replace counselors; I am simply trying to be a shoulder to lean on because I have so many things in my life to be gr8ful for. I want the same for you.
According to the research I have read, the differences in the way men and women communicate emerge very early in life. Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. observed that when girls or boys who were best friends were put into a room and asked to talk to each other, “girls in all age groups would face each other and immediately began to talk, eventually ending up discussing the problems of one girl. Boys, on the other hand, sat parallel to each other and would jump from topic to topic—centered on a time when they would do something together.”
Tannen also observed that men (as adults) tend to “negotiate their status within a group” in order to “preserve [their] independence” while women talk to “negotiate closeness and intimacy.” To read more of Tannen’s work, go to http://homestar.org/bryannan/tannen.html.
Another piece of research I found is on a website called askmen.com. Now, as this blog is written by a woman, I thought it might be nice to get the perspective of a man. I don’t necessarily agree with him, but I think it is fair to include his perspective. According to this publication the issue arises because men say things exactly the way they mean it while women tend to elaborate a little too much. They beat around the bush so to speak while men just put it out there. The first point he mentions is that “women never say what they really mean.” He claims that when women want something, instead of asking for it directly they drop hints and expect the man to know what they want. If the man fails, the author claims, he is in trouble. As a woman, I was a taken off guard when I first read this, but then I realized that in the past I have behaved this way. I have now changed my behavior, and I am unafraid of asking for what I want because I have come to the conclusion that it is the easiest way to get it. It doesn’t always work because good relationships also include compromise, and sometimes your partner’s needs must come first.
Asking for what you want is much easier than expecting a man to know what you want and then getting frustrated when he can’t read your mind.
If you would like to read more of this piece, here is the link: http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/115_dating_advice.html.
I also found some great information on a website called suite101.com, in the communication between men and women section. This article stated that men tend to compartmentalize their thoughts and store them as if they were in a file cabinet inside their heads while women see everything as connected. They give the example of when a woman calls her husband at work and asks him to pick up something at the store on the way home. He will often arrive without the item(s) because when she spoke to him his “work” drawer was open, and he didn’t open his “home” drawer. This compartmentalization and lack thereof is why women provide so many details when they are speaking (everything is connected,) and men tend to give very few details (only one drawer is open at a time.)
If you would like to read more about this article, here is the link: http://marital-communication.suite101.com/article.cfm/communication_amongst_the_sexes.
These items may not be able to solve every problem in your relationship. I understand that I didn’t specifically address the issues that were brought up in the responses from my last blog entry. Those issues are individual to the person/couple who wrote them, and because I am not a doctor, I feel qualified to give general coaching but not a diagnosis.
My point in this entry is that men and women often communicate on two completely different spectrums. Keep this in mind when you are talking to each other. If you are talking to a man, think about how everything is separated in his head compared to how everything is connected in yours.
If you are talking to a woman, be patient with her; she knows what she is saying and feels like the details she is sharing with you are very important to her story. To her, the story isn’t complete if she is asked to leave out the details.
Appreciate the differences between the two of you instead of looking at them as liabilities.
Finally, be gr8ful for each other and remember that if you were both the same, you would get bored very quickly for there wouldn’t be much about each other that you could explore.
“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.
As a woman I know that when I am communicating with my soul mate, I want to bear my heart, and I want him to bear his as well. We have done a good job of that up until now, and I expect that it will continue into the future. I know that I am not alone in having a relationship to be gr8ful for every day, but reading some of the responses to my last blog have shown me that help is needed, and there are a lot of men who communicate differently than their significant others.
Whether your husband won’t talk to you, or you have been over the same issue again and again, or you have a friend that keeps getting involved in situations that are not healthy for her or her mate, I believe there is help available, and I hope to be able to shed some light on these things for you today.
I am not someone who claims to be able to cure everything, but I hope I can help you.
Of course counselors are available around the country (and all over the world) for issues that can’t be solved with the tips I give here, and I am not trying to replace counselors; I am simply trying to be a shoulder to lean on because I have so many things in my life to be gr8ful for. I want the same for you.
According to the research I have read, the differences in the way men and women communicate emerge very early in life. Deborah Tannen, Ph.D. observed that when girls or boys who were best friends were put into a room and asked to talk to each other, “girls in all age groups would face each other and immediately began to talk, eventually ending up discussing the problems of one girl. Boys, on the other hand, sat parallel to each other and would jump from topic to topic—centered on a time when they would do something together.”
Tannen also observed that men (as adults) tend to “negotiate their status within a group” in order to “preserve [their] independence” while women talk to “negotiate closeness and intimacy.” To read more of Tannen’s work, go to http://homestar.org/bryannan/tannen.html.
Another piece of research I found is on a website called askmen.com. Now, as this blog is written by a woman, I thought it might be nice to get the perspective of a man. I don’t necessarily agree with him, but I think it is fair to include his perspective. According to this publication the issue arises because men say things exactly the way they mean it while women tend to elaborate a little too much. They beat around the bush so to speak while men just put it out there. The first point he mentions is that “women never say what they really mean.” He claims that when women want something, instead of asking for it directly they drop hints and expect the man to know what they want. If the man fails, the author claims, he is in trouble. As a woman, I was a taken off guard when I first read this, but then I realized that in the past I have behaved this way. I have now changed my behavior, and I am unafraid of asking for what I want because I have come to the conclusion that it is the easiest way to get it. It doesn’t always work because good relationships also include compromise, and sometimes your partner’s needs must come first.
Asking for what you want is much easier than expecting a man to know what you want and then getting frustrated when he can’t read your mind.
If you would like to read more of this piece, here is the link: http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith_100/115_dating_advice.html.
I also found some great information on a website called suite101.com, in the communication between men and women section. This article stated that men tend to compartmentalize their thoughts and store them as if they were in a file cabinet inside their heads while women see everything as connected. They give the example of when a woman calls her husband at work and asks him to pick up something at the store on the way home. He will often arrive without the item(s) because when she spoke to him his “work” drawer was open, and he didn’t open his “home” drawer. This compartmentalization and lack thereof is why women provide so many details when they are speaking (everything is connected,) and men tend to give very few details (only one drawer is open at a time.)
If you would like to read more about this article, here is the link: http://marital-communication.suite101.com/article.cfm/communication_amongst_the_sexes.
These items may not be able to solve every problem in your relationship. I understand that I didn’t specifically address the issues that were brought up in the responses from my last blog entry. Those issues are individual to the person/couple who wrote them, and because I am not a doctor, I feel qualified to give general coaching but not a diagnosis.
My point in this entry is that men and women often communicate on two completely different spectrums. Keep this in mind when you are talking to each other. If you are talking to a man, think about how everything is separated in his head compared to how everything is connected in yours.
If you are talking to a woman, be patient with her; she knows what she is saying and feels like the details she is sharing with you are very important to her story. To her, the story isn’t complete if she is asked to leave out the details.
Appreciate the differences between the two of you instead of looking at them as liabilities.
Finally, be gr8ful for each other and remember that if you were both the same, you would get bored very quickly for there wouldn’t be much about each other that you could explore.
“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”
Anne Morrow Lindbergh
We at iamgr8ful appreciate you reading & commenting on this article.
11 comments:
Hi everyone, I just had to write after reading this post!! It describes me and my husband exactly! When I am telling him a story, he sometimes interrupts me to say “meat and potatoes.”
That is my cue to stop adding all of the things that he could care less about and get to the point. I always thought that he just didn’t want to hear me talk or didn’t care what I was saying, but now I know that it is only because we are wired differently than each other.
I also often get frustrated at him because he tells me something and as far as I am concerned, he only told half of the story. I am always asking him fifteen questions after he finished telling me something so I feel like I have all of the information.
I often get a lot of “I don’t knows.” Now I know that in his mind he gave me everything I needed to understand the story which is the “meat and potatoes.”
I must say I think women and men are more like oil and vinegar when it comes to communication, not peas and carrots (your title), but oil and vinegar is my favorite salad dressing, so I guess that’s not so bad.
I am going to show this article to my husband and hopefully he will understand where I am coming from when I talk to him.
I began reading the article that you linked on askmen.com, and it took all of about two sentences before I was offended. Who does this guy think he is? Just because a man can tell you what time it is doesn’t make them the gurus of communication. He calls men logical and direct? Why is logical always the best way? And who is this guy to say that to men, women can’t communicate at all. Just because they are too stupid to understand that we want them to share their feelings once in a while, and they don’t bother to ask, the problem lies solely on women’s shoulders? I am surprised you even linked to this blither. This man has clearly been nagged in a past relationship because he didn’t know how to have a meaningful conversation.
Could women converse in the same way that this guy claims me do? Yep. But we choose to have our conversations and by extension our relationships with other human beings a little more substantial than “It’s two PM.” Done. Maybe the place where we got the watch we are wearing was neat, or there was a really good sale. Maybe we think that the person we are speaking with might want to check out said sale if it is still going on, or we think they should check the store. More detail isn’t a liability.
In many careers, like air traffic controlling or the military, more detail saves lives.
I really do understand that it is important to have a man’s perspective included in this blog, but next time, could you find someone who is not so chauvinistic?
Hi Kim, I wanted to write a quick response to this blog entry. I love this blog and have been reading it since you started it. This entry makes sense to me, and I understand that the way women think is a bit foreign to the male population. I like it that way…a little bit. I know how men and women tick differently, and I appreciate that because with more mystery in a relationship, there can be more spice.
My concern is this: what about the times when you don’t want to be on different wavelengths? What about that Marty woman in the last entry who couldn’t get her husband to talk to her about anything? She seemed about ready to throw in the towel. There has to be a way to get through to each other. I am not just saying for a woman to get through to a man because it is fair to say that if a man can’t focus on a conversation that is going in a hundred different directions with its details, it would be considerate of a woman to try to communicate on his level as well.
So, how do we do it? How does this woman tell her mute husband that she will try to communicate on his level and get him to respond? I found myself very concerned about Marty and the kind of environment she lives in. Her daughter is there no doubt seeing her mother in pain every day and there has to be more like her in this world because Lord knows there are worse. I would like to shake Marty’s husband myself and ask him if he cares about his family because it seems to me he might be losing them. This hits close to home for me because my parents were the same way. My mother chose to stay with my father who was emotionally unavailable to her for as long as I can remember, and she recently died a lonely woman. She had me and my siblings to comfort her, but that isn’t the same as being able to tell all of your fears to your significant other and having them respond. Kim, what can we do?
Hi Kris, thank you for asking these questions. As I mentioned before, I am not a doctor, but I am also concerned for Marty. If you have looked closely at my iamgr8ful website you know that I believe everyone deserves to live a charmed life. I will be happy to coach Marty, but I would need her to ask, and I would need much more information.
The first thing someone needs to do when they have a relationship with someone (whether it is a significant other or a family member or a friend) by whom they feel shut out is ask to talk to them. Depending on the response, many things could happen. In the case of Marty, it sounds like her husband might be very shut down, but that is no reason to think their issues can’t be solved. I gave several suggestions in the last entry, but the most simple is to simply go to someone and ask them to talk. I believe there are few times that someone will say no and never change their mind. It is possible that he may initially say no if he is upset about something, but in time he will probably change his mind and at least be willing to sit down with her. When that happens, I ask that anyone keeps in mind who they are speaking to. If it is someone of the opposite sex, please remember the drawers of information that men tend to have and the inter-connectedness of everything that women have. Be ready for them to communicate in a way that is natural to them; it might be frustrating to you, but remember that it is this way from a very early age.
My last piece of advice is DON’T GIVE UP!!! They say that anything worth having is worth working hard for, and I believe that relationships are no different. I don’t mean that you should put up with being treated badly over and again. You deserve to have a great life, and if you and your partner can work together to make your life charmed, then do it. It may take time, but if it is worth it…it is worth it.
~Kim~
For me, Men and Women should be fair to each other. It doesn't matter whether you're a boy or a girl because we are humans and we should love one another.
Hi. I just finished reading your blog, and I have a question. You mention that you shouldn’t bring up things that have been hashed over and resolved in the past because it isn’t fair to your partner who thought the issue was resolved. What should I do about an issue that has been hashed over and resolved but is still a problem. My boyfriend and I have had problems in the past because he doesn’t help me around the house…at all. We talked about it and decided that we would make a list of chores and split them up in a way that was acceptable to both of us. For a while things were good, he was doing his chores, and I was doing mine, but now I am stuck doing everything again. I have tried to talk to him about it, but he accuses me of nagging at him and says he will get to his stuff when he gets around to it. I don’t want to be a nag, but I feel like I have tried everything. I have been doing all of the chores around the house again for about three months. What can I do to solve this once and for all? We can make lists all we want, but if we both don’t live up to our ends of the deal where do we go from here?
I had to laugh when I read this entry, Kim. It sounds just like my wife. I could ask her if it is cloudy outside, and she would launch in to some five minute speech about how it’s cloudy now, but the sun is going to come out later and tomorrow it is supposed to be sunny with a chance of storms. This weekend they are talking severe storms. I love this about my wife. Sometimes though, when I ask a simple question, I would like a simple answer, and in those cases, I politely stop her if she keeps talking and talking. This woman could debate any politician under the table. I am confident that they wouldn’t know what to do when she got a hold of them.
On the other hand, I am the exact replica of the man who gives only crucial information and no fluff. My wife asks me question after question when I am telling her about something. It could be a work story or a family story or something else, and I often can’t answer her questions because it never crossed my mind to ask. This is the problem with communication between men and women. After everyone has decided to be honest, and everyone understands how the other side communicates, we still can’t communicate effectively if we don’t sometimes try to communicate like the opposite sex. The thing that no one has mentioned is that this little bit of effort, asking a couple of questions if you are a guy and being quiet a little sooner if you are a girl are the keys to happy, honest, deep communication. Men and women will always be different, but if we try to put ourselves in our significant other’s shoes once in a while, we will find it much easier to make them happy because we are trying to do things on their level.
Hello, I had to write in as the skeptic. Kim, I have read your blog, and your life sounds too good to be true. You say you met your soul mate, and he communicates with you in a deep and meaningful way; you even say that he bared his soul to you in an email before you had even met face to face. How is that possible? With men in this world that would write the baloney on askmen.com, how is it possible that there is even one man that is as great as yours seems to be? I think my fiancé is pretty great, and we have been trying to keep the spice up; I have stopped sending him the same boring “I love you” text messages, and am saying things like “I can’t wait to see you tonight because I miss looking into your eyes.” We do have it good, and I am grateful, but I guess I never really knew how good it could be. So, I am really happy for you that you have such a wonderful relationship, and I am happy in mine, but now that I know how good it can be, should I raise my standards?
Although I wasn’t quite as offended as Patty was by the askmen.com article, it did bother me a little bit. The thing is I don’t really disagree with him on principle; he was right about most of his ideas. I am forever expecting my husband to automatically know what I want whether or not I tell him. My issue was the way he said it. It was very condescending to women, and I don’t think that is any way for a human to talk about a whole species of humans. It is like persecuting someone because they are exceptionally bright. “Well, you shouldn’t think of things this way because guys do it this way.” The thing that took the cake for me was that these communication differences begin not as adults, not as adolescents in their first romantic encounters, but according to the research you found, in childhood. This makes me wonder if it is nature or nurture. Do we raise boys and girls from such a young age to be tough and to communicate in a very black and white way much the same way we don’t allow them to cry or show other emotions? Do we raise girls from such a young age to be very touchy-feely and needy? Or, is it hard-wired into us before we are even born? I have been thinking about this for a while, and (probably because I can’t come up with a good explanation) I think it is a combination of both. Maybe because men and women are hard-wired to be black and white and touchy-feely respectively, we raise them to reinforce these “ideals.” Who knows? I just had to throw in my outlook on things.
I just finished reading this entry and I found it really informative. There was only one thing that bothered me. When the askmen.com guy was talking about how women expect men to know what they want and if they don’t they’re in trouble, I knew what he was talking about. I am in a relationship right now, and there are times that I expect my boyfriend to know what I want without me having to ask for it. I can do the same for him. Is it the fault of the entire female population that men aren’t observant enough to know their ladies well enough to be able to tell what they want once in a while? When Christmas is coming, and every time I see a certain jewelry commercial I say, “Wow, isn’t that pretty, baby?” and he responds, so I know he hears me, AND I even say “I really want that ring at Jewelry Store X, I wish I could afford it,” and I end up with ginger bath salts under the tree, I get a little upset. I hate to make this comparison, but if people tell their children the same thing 546 times, they really do expect the kids to catch on, why is it unreasonable for me to expect a grown man to catch on when I tell him there is something I want multiple times?
If he says, “Oh, look at that new Buccaneers sideline hat,” I know what I am getting him for the next holiday or celebration. I don’t think it is too much to ask that he do the same.
Hi Kim, this is Marty from the last blog, and I thought that if someone else was concerned enough about me to write to you and ask you for help on my behalf I would write back and let you know what has happened since I last wrote. I did what you asked and tried to remember what it was that I fell in love with in the first place. Although we never talked all night, we did have some conversations, and the silence never seemed to be awkward between us, it was comfortable because we would just lie there and hold each other. So, I went to him after dinner was over and sat next to him and leaned on him. He out his arm around me and actually asked what had gotten into me. I avoided getting frustrated and said nothing, I was just remembering what it used to be like. He actually put his arm around me and we just sat there. It was almost as comfortable as it used to be, but with all of the added stress we have now. I also asked him if I could take him out for dinner. He was surprised, but he said okay, and we left our daughter with a sitter and went out for dinner. Again, there wasn’t a lot of conversation, but we did talk, and that is more than we had before. We are still certainly a work in progress, and I don’t know how long it will take or if it will finally work, but we’ll see.
Thanks Kim.
Marty
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